Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 6




95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid

Home For The Holidays

Time-Life Operator.....Nancy Walls
Steve.....Mark McKinney
Daughter.....Laura Leighton
James.....Jim Breuer
Bobby.....Fred Wolf
Mom.....Molly Shannon
Dad.....Will Ferrell

Time-Life Operator: Hi, I'm Cindy, Time-Life operator! Steve is going to tell you all about our new holiday offer, and then I'll be back to take your order! See you soon!

Steve: Thanks, Cindy. Yes, the holiday season is here, and many of us head home to be our families. But to those of us who just can't make it home this year, Time-Life is offering a video collection of all the incredible family fights you'll miss out on. Yes, these tapes contain all the strained conversations, dysfunctional couplings, and plain old meltdowns that we come to expect during holiday get-togethers. The first video collection contains ten family fights, like these:

[ supers of each one scroll up the screen as Steve reads them ]

"So, tell me, how is sitting in a tent in Peru going to make me feel good about the seventy grand I spent putting you through college?"

"Dad, quit talking to her so much, she's my girlfriend."

What made you think you could bring that black man into my house. I don't give a god G*d damn if he does hear me."

And this holiday favorite: "Feeling Tipsy."

[ cut to a Dramatization of this holiday classic, set around the dinner table ]

Daughter: What are you grinning at, James?

James: [ tipsy ] What?! I'm just happy!

Bobby: Yeah, try stoned..

Daughter: Look at you, you look like an idiot, grinning like a jackass. You're drunk again, aren't you?

Mom: Alright, who took my cooking sherry?

Dad: [ quiet until now ] That's it! [ flips his dinner plate and jumps out of his chair ] F**k this! I'm leaving!

Steve Voiceover: And others, like:

[ supers scroll up the screen ]

"We don't care about the sixties, Mom, the sixties are over! Now you're all just sad."

"I'm sorry I, I didn't mean, I'm sorry I didn't mean, I'm sorry I didn't I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it just slipped out."

"You'll eat every bite of that dinner your mother cooked, and if you vomit it up, you'll eat that, too."

And, "Not Good Enough."

[ cut to another Dramatization ]

Dad: [ yelling at James ] You screw up everything you put your hands on! You scratched my car..!

James: It was Bobby!

Bobby: [ mimicking ] It was Bobby!

Dad: You're both pathetic! What's the point? What's the damn point?

Daughter: Dad, you wouldn't know the point if it bit you in the ass.

Dad: That's it! [ flips his dinner plate and jumps out of his chair ] F**k this! I'm leaving!

Steve Voiceover: Each month, you'll receive a collection from "Home For the Holidays." You can cancel at anytime. But don't miss out, because you'll also get:

[ supers scroll up the screen ]

"I pierced my ear because I like it. I pierced my nose because I hate you."

"I thought you said that you'd take care of this dog? I'll take him out in the backyard right now and shoot him in the f**kin' head."

"It's homosexual, Dad, not faggot. And no, I don't have to live here."

And the classic, "Abrupt Eruption."

[ cut to final Dramatization ]

James: Mom, this turkey is incredible!

Bobby: Yeah, it's great!

Mom: Thanks, boys! Well, it's smoked, that's why it's so tender.

Daughter: Dad, will you pass the cranberry sauce?

Dad: That's it! [ flips his dinner plate and jumps out of his chair ] F**k this! I'm leaving!

Steve Voiceover: Here's Cindy, to tell you more.

[ cut back to Cindy ]

Time-Life Operator: Call the number at the bottom of your screen, and I'll be standing by to take your order!


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