Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 6





95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid

Laura Leighton's Monologue

.....Laura Leighton
Lucien.....Mark McKinney
Fagan.....David Koechner

Laura Leighton: Well! Here I am hosting "Saturday Night Live"! Let me tell you, this is quite a thrill. And, to think, three years ago I was having a hard time keeping a job as a waitress; I was driving a car iwthout air conditioning around L.A.; and men found me unattractive. [ laughs ] But, then along came a little show called "Melrose Place".

Lucien & Fagan: [ throwing roses to Laura's feet as the audience cheers her program [ Bravo! Bravo! Yes! Bravo!

Laura Leighton: Um.. thank you! Anyway, um.. I play a character on "Melrose Place" called Sydney.
Fagan: Sydney!

Lucien: Yes!

Fagan: Sydney!

Lucien: Yes!

Fagan: Oh!

Lucien: Delicious!

Laura Leighton: Thank you. Anyway, my character, Sydney..
Fagan: Excuse me, yes, yes? We're your biggest fans. Did you recieve our gifts? Er?

[ Lucien and Fagan approach the stage ]

Laura Leighton: Um.. what are you talking about?

Fagan: Er, er.. Lucien and myself, er, Fagan, yes. We sent you a sweater and a cake.

Lucien: A pumpkin cake!

Fagan: Tell us, did they arrive in good order?

Laura Leighton: Oh-h-h.. that was you two. Oh. Well, yes. I loved the sweater, and the cake was delicious!

Lucien: It was a pumpkin cake!

Fagan: Er, pumpkin. Er-her! [ they bow in front of her ]

Laura Leighton: Pumpkin. Right. Um.. you're very nice.

[ Lucien and Fagan are titilated by her statement ]

Lucien: Oh, forgive me, Miss Leighton. But standing on the same stage with the thespian who plays the evil Sydney on "Melrose Place" fills me with such thrilling electricity, that I feel like a weasel on a hotplate!

Fagan: Er, second it! Er-her! [ they bow ]

Laura Leighton: Well, thank you.. I think.

Fagan: Er, may I say, uh.. of all the characters on "Melrose Place", yours stands out like a beacon! Ooh! Yes! Illuminating! Yes! The tempting evil that titilates us to the very fleshiest parts of our bodies! Er-her-hoo! [ they bow ]

Laura Leighton: Uh.. thanks. That's a little more information than I think I needed.

Fagan: Er-her-her! Yes. May I confess a few of my favorite plot twists? Yes? Sydney the stripper!

Lucien: Oh, delicious!

Fagan: Sydney the prostitute!

Lucien: Delightful!

Fagan: Sydney the blackmailer!

Lucien: Oh, the perfect viper!

Fagan: Sydney the astronaut!

Lucien: Blast off!

Laura Leighton: Astronaut? I haven't played an astronaut.

Lucien: It's an idea we have!

Laura Leighton: Ohhh..

Fagan: Perhaps we can speak of that later, yes? Er-her-her..

Lucien: [ holding encanvassed object ] In that you have made every Monday night at eight o'clock a treaure of titilation for us, we offer you this gift.

Fagan: And we reaffirm our pledge to be their every episode watchingyou, praising you, and, as depicted in this photo.. [ unveils photo ]

Laura Leighton: [ grimacing ] Oh, my God! This is how you watch my show?

Lucien: Oh, yes! Bare-assed naked!

Fagan: Yes, it adds a certain spice to the occasion.

Laura Leighton: Yes. Well.. thank you. [ bows to them ]

Fagan: Oh! Oh-oh-er.. [ they bow right back ]

Laura Leighton: Okay, I'll keep that in mind. Well, we've got a great show for you tonight. Rancid is here. Feel free to watch it bare-assed naked! Stick around, we'll be right back!


SNL Transcripts