Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 6







95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid

Self-Punishment

Tommy.....Jim Breuer
Miss Keller.....Laura Leighton
Mr. Kaufman.....Mark McKinney

[ FADE IN: ]

[ INT. FIDELITY MUTUAL -- DAY ]

[ Company executive MISS KELLER is seated at her desk. Her client, MR. KAUFMAN, is across from her. ]

Miss Keller: Mr. Kaufman, I want to thank you for banking with Fidelity Mutual. Now, what Iím going to do is take you step-by-step through the investment process.

Mr. Kaufman: Oh, great! Sounds like fun.

[ Enter TOMMY. ]

Miss Keller: Oh, excuse me.

Tommy: Hi, Miss Keller.

Miss Keller: Hi, Tommy. Listen, Tommy -- did you get around to mailing that package to the Dunlap firm this morning?

[ Tommy pounds a closed fist against his forehead a couple of times. ]

Tommy: Oh, dammit, dammit, DAMMIT! What is wrong with me?

Miss Keller: As long as itís out by the end of the day, everything will be fine!

[ Tommy pounds his closed fist against his forehead one more time. Mr. Kaufman squirms in his chair. ]

Tommy: Oh, Iím so sorry. Iím such an idiot.

[ Tommy departs. ]

Miss Keller: Donít worry about him; heís really a sweet kid. So, did you get a chance to look over the paperwork?

Mr. Kaufman: Yeah, I did. But, my lawyer said that there was a document missing from the fax you sent us?

Miss Keller: Okay, um

[ Miss Keller presses the intercom button on her phone. ]

Miss Keller: Tommy? Can I see you in here again for a second?

[ Tommy briskly enters. ]

Tommy: Yeah?

Miss Keller: Tommy, thanks for faxing off the document this morning. But I need you to do it again.

Tommy: Okay, sure!

Miss Keller: Okay. But this time, make sure all the pages go through, because they didnít get them all this morning.

Mr. Kaufman: Yeah, we were missing the A1-P2 form.

[ Tommy starts breathing in a labored manner. ]

Tommy: Oh!

[ Tommy grabs the back of his hair and begins slamming his head against Miss Kellerís adjacent filing cabinets. ]

Tommy: Always wrong! Always wrong! Always wrong! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!

Miss Keller: Tommy, stop it!

Tommy: CANíT I GET ANYTHING RIGHT!?!?

[ Tommy picks up Miss Kellerís desk lamp and smashes it into his skull. Miss Keller gets out of her chair. ]

Miss Keller: Control yourself, Tommy! Now, listen to me: there is no reason carrying on like this!

Tommy: I know, I know, I know

[ Tommy pounds his closed fists against his forehead at an accelerated rate. ]

Tommy: Thereís just no reason for STUPIDITY!

[ Mr. Kaufman is frozen in his chair. ]

Miss Keller: Tommy, you really need to get a hold of yourself. Youíre scaring the client.

Tommy: Oh, am I scaring you!?

[ Mr. Kaufman nods his head in fear. ]

Tommy: Oh, I shouldnít be scaring him!!!

[ Tommy slams his head several times on Miss Kellerís desk. Both the jaws of Miss Keller and Mr. Kaufman are on the floor. ]

Tommy: Itís just ALL WRONG!!!

[ Tommy is out of breath. ]

Miss Keller: Maybe you should take a little time off.

Tommy: Oh, no, no, no -- I know what youíre trying to say. You wanna fire me but you just donít have the heart to!

Miss Keller: Oh no, no! Iím just saying--

Tommy: Hit me! HIT ME! CíMON!!! HIT ME!!!

[ Mr. Kaufman unbuttons his shirts sleeves and rolls them up. ]

Mr. Kaufman: Alright -- Iíll hit him!

Miss Keller: Mr. Kaufman, please!

Tommy: Oh, no -- IíLL DO IT MYSELF!

[ Tommy throws one brutal punch after another onto himself. ]

Tommy: Well, if I had done things right, I wouldnít have to do this to you myself!

[ Tommy grabs his bangs and subdues himself against Miss Kellerís filing cabinet. Finally, he stops. ]

Miss Keller: Tommy? Stop hitting yourself.

[ Miss Keller gives a slight scream as Tommy starts to position his fists against himself, but he lowers them. ]

Miss Keller: Tommy, can we talk about this later? But for now, can you just leave? Please?

Tommy: Okay. Iím sorry, Iím sorry. Iím leaving.

[ Tommy makes his way to the door. Yet, his right hand goes behind him and grabs his shirt collar. ]

Tommy: Oh, no you donít -- that doorís for people that get things right! YOU ARE GOING THIS WAY!!!

[ Tommy races towards and lunges himself at Miss Kellerís closed window. Glass shatters everywhere. His screams become more and more faint OFF-SCREEN. ]

Tommy: Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

[ SOUND of a SPLATTERED BODY hitting a parked vehicle. CAR ALARM goes OFF. ]

Miss Keller: Well, Mr. Kaufman, where were we?

Mr. Kaufman: Well, we were --

[ Cheers and applause. ]

[ FADE OUT ]


Submitted by: Cody Downs


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