Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 9

95i: Madeline Kahn / Bush

Giant Bird

Nancy ... Madeline Kahn
Bill ... David Koechner

[Nancy and Bill, husband and wife, are discovered side by side in the clutches of a giant bird's enormous talons, flying high through the clouds and over the countryside. Only the bird's claws are visible -- the rest of the bird is off-camera above Nancy and Bill. We hear an occasional screech from the bird and the steady flapping of its unseen wings. Disgusted and annoyed with each other over their predicament, Nancy and Bill's entire dialogue consists of their contemptuous and sarcastic quoting of one another:]

Nancy: "Hey, Nancy! I've got a good idea. Let's go for a picnic today!"

Bill: "Good idea, Bill! And I know the perfect place! Up by the old nuclear power plant!"

Nancy: "I sure hope the ants don't bother us!" Ants!

Bill: "Oh, honey! Don't bring the gun! Why would we need a gun at a picnic?!"

Nancy: "There's a good spot, Nancy. Up on top of that hill in that big round bowl of hay!"

Bill: "Just pull out - push out those egg-shaped boulders so we'll have more room!"

Nancy: "Oh, look, honey! It's a giant hang glider!"

Bill: "Oh, honey! We're so lucky! It's a bird! And it's coming right toward us!"

Nancy: "Run for the car! And get the camera! Quick! Like a rabbit!"

Bill: "Whatever you do, try not to scare him away!"

Nancy: "Maybe if you hold out a piece of chicken, he'll come and take it -- right out o' your hand!"

Bill: "Honey! Come out of your hiding place! It's perfectly safe!"

Nancy: "Stop running! It can't see you when you stand still!"

Bill: "Trust me! A bird can't open a car door with its beak!"

Nancy: "Hey, look! You can see our house from here!"

[Suddenly, there is a loud fart and a huge amount of bird poop rains down on Bill.]

Bill: [drenched with bird poop] "Don't worry! They can't poop when they're flying!"

[Another fart. More poop. Fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

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