Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 10




95j: Christopher Walken / Joan Osborne

Rita Delvecchio

Rita Delvecchio.....Cheri Oteri
Vic.....Christopher Walken

[ Scene opens in a snowy neighborhood. Camera zooms in and dissolves on an outside shot of Rita Delvecchio’s snow-covered porch, decorated in Christmas lights. Rita steps out of her house ]

Rita Delvecchio: [ addresses a "neighbor" who is offscreen ] Hey, Loretta. Is it cold enough for ya? Yeah, can you believe this? Three sons and I gotta shovel the walk myself. Yeah, yeah, it’s only three o’clock in the afternoon and they’re still in bed. Yeah, they got a whole day of doing nothing ahead of them, so they need their sleep. All right, yeah. All right, doll, I’ll talk to-hey, if you hear a snap, it’s my back. Call 911. Oh! Don’t listen to me, Loretta! Oh, I’m bad. All right, honey. I’ll talk to you later, doll. [ someone off-set throws a sled on Rita’s front steps. Rita comes over and picks it up ] All right, okay? You see this? [ holds up sled ] Okay, you see this? You kids got a hark--a whole park to play in, but you got to slip ‘n slide in front of my house. Guess what? I keep it now. Okay, yeah. [ turns to put sled down ] That’d be good, have your mother come and get it [ turns her head ] I hear ya, smart-ass. [ puts sled away, addresses another "neighbor" who is off-screen ] Uh, hi, Bella. Yeah, twenty-four inches, they said, Bell. Now I know why they call it a "winter wonderland"; I’m "wonder"ing where the frig my car is buried. Bella! Oh, I’m bad. Oh, honey, you know me. Yeah, Mother Nature, right, Bell. Hey, listen, if you see her, send her over. I want to introduce her to the blunt end of my shovel. You set me up, you bitch. Oh, you set me up, Bella! All right, doll. Go inside. I’ll talk to you later.

[ cut to a two-shot of Rita still on the stairs of her porch with the shovel and Vic, a man in a pale bluish-green and purple snowsuit with gold chains and lime green gloves, pushing a snowblower on Rita’s walkway ]

Rita Delvecchio: [ to Vic ] Hey, Vic. Whatcha got there, a rocket ship?

Vic: Naw, Rita. This is my new snowblower.

Rita Delvecchio: [ partially drowned out by the snowblower motor ] Snowblower, wow.

Vic: Yeah, it’s got a 4½ horsepower…Briggs and Stratton motor. All-wheel…drive and fuel-injected carbs, pop-up pistons.

Rita Delvecchio: Vic, Vic, why don’t you put a back seat in and some dice…and we can steam up the back windows, Vic. Oh, Vic!

Vic: Oh, Rita, you’re-you’re an animal.

Rita Delvecchio: [jokingly] Ah, Vic, I’m bad. You know better, you know better than that.

[ A kid with a blue snow shovel approaches Rita’s walk ]

Kid: Hey, Mrs. Delvecchio?

Rita Delvecchio: Yeah.

Kid: Would you like your walk shoveled?

Rita Delvecchio: [to Vic] Vic, my prince has come. [to Kid] All right, baby, [indicates point at which the kid should start] Why don’t you just start on the end-

Kid: [interrupst her] It’s $35.00. $50.00 and I’ll do the driveway, too.

Rita Delvecchio: [in sotto voce to Vic] Did you hear that, Vic? The little Al Capone is trying to give me a break [yells at kid and menaces him with her orange shovel] Get the hell off my property, you wallet-totin’ Anti-Christ!

[ snowballs are thrown at Vic and Rita from offscreen. Rita tries to fight them off]

Vic and Rita: [as they’re getting hit] Hey! Hey! Watch it!

Rita Delvecchio: [brandishing her orange shovel to the offscreen perpetrators] Okay. All right. Okay. All right. Okay, you better run! You better run! I got eyes in the back of my head. Bastards. [to Vic] That sure is a great machine.

Vic: Yeah.

Rita Delvecchio: I’ll tell ya, it looks like it does the work of ten men, Vic.

Vic: Just as long as it does the work…of this man, Rita. That’s all I care about.

Rita Delvecchio: Yeah, I hear ya, Vic. I hear ya. Uh, hey, Vic, why don’t you show me how to work one of those things- [ snowballs are thrown at Rita and Vic again]

Vic: Hey! Hey!

Rita Delvecchio: [runs up the stairs of her porch] Okay, all right. See this? [brandishes orange snow shovel] You cracked-up little bastards! You crack-pipin’, motherless-- [rushes back to Vic] Vic, Vic, did you see this?

Vic: [to the offscreen perpetrators] Hey, guys, come on. No throwing snowballs, huh? Show respect!

Rita Delvecchio: [to Vic] Did you see that? [to the offscreen perpetrators] Keep running! [back to Vic]: Hey, Vic, you know what? I almost forgot to tell ya. Um, yeah. You know I-I made a little too much pasta fagioli last night. Why don’t you, why don’t you, when you’re finished, come up to the house, and I’ll give you some to take home?

Vic: What are you, Rita? An angel…sent from above? I love pasta fagioli.

Rita Delvecchio: Hey, Vic. Hey, Vic? Vic, you know what I’d love? You know what I’d love, Vic?

Vic: What?

Rita Delvecchio: I’d love a clear walkway. Can you help me out?

Vic: Geez, Rita. I’d love to, but I do yours, I gotta do the whole block.

Rita Delvecchio: Ain’t gotta do the whole block, Vic. You just gotta do mines.

Vic: Geez, Rita. I would love to, but-- [someone offscreen throws a red, plastic disc used for sledding on the porch].

Rita Delvecchio: [runs over and picks up the red disk] Oh, okay, all right. See this? See this? Okay. Guess what? Guess who’s got a new-a new-uh, a new one of these things. These little things? Okay? I keep it now. Mrs. Delvecchio has it, has it, yeah! It’s mine now, okay? You happy? Oh, yeah? Go shoot up your hashish. [walks back over to Vic] You heard me. Bastards. Smart-ass bastards. [to Vic] All right, Vic, let’s cut the crap. What do I gotta do to get you to use that humper on my walk?

Vic: You cut the crap; I’ll cut the crap. You want the truth, Rita?

Rita Delvecchio: Yeah, I want the truth.

Vic: I’m never gonna…do your walk. Because every year…you keep your Christmas lights up seven days after Three Kings’ Day. Everybody else takes theirs down. You make the whole block look bad.

Rita Delvecchio: All right. You’re talking out your ass, Vic, okay? Because--because the Vatican extended the removal of house lights until two weeks after the Epiphany--two weeks after the Epiphany.

Vic: [skeptically] Rita, come on. [starts up motor to snowblower]

[Rita and Vic get hit with snowballs yet again]

Rita Delvecchio: Hey, hey! Okay! All right, that’s enough!

Vic: Who threw that? Who threw that?

Rita Delvecchio: [pointing offscreen] Get ‘em, Vic! Vic, go get ‘em! I see ‘em.

Vic: Okay. You rat bastard. Let’s see…how funny it is…when I blow your nose off. [picks himself up and climbs on top of the snow] See how funny it is…when I bury your face…in the yellow snow [runs offscreen]

Rita Delvecchio: [cheering Vic on] Go get ‘em, Vic. Go get ‘em, Vic. That’s it! [the snowblower falls over onto Rita’s walkway. Rita climbs over the side of her porch and tries to pull down her skirt as it rides up, revealing a pair of white undershorts] Oooh, oooh! Vic, it touched my porch. I keep it now! I keep it now. It touched my porch! It’s mine! [climbs off the edge of the porch and gets behind the snowblower] It touched my porch. It’s mine now, Vic…

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Candy


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