Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 10

95j: Christopher Walken / Joan Osborne

Connie Stinson Talks

Connie Stinson.....Christopher Walken
Jodie.....Will Ferrell
Crystal.....Nancy Walls
Darnell.....Tim Meadows
Cheryl.....Cheri Oteri
Tom.....Fred Wolf
Tiffany.....Molly Shannon
Young Man in Audience.....Jim Breuer
Man in Audience.....David Koechner

Connie Stinson: Hello, and welcome to "Connie Stinson Talks". Today I talk with men who are considering dumping their lovers, because they've gained weight. Okay? [ camera focuses on Jodie ] Jodie says, "My girlfriend gained 75 pounds, and I ain't gonna take it any more." Let's meet him. Jodie, tell us about your girlfriend.

Jodie: Well, when I met her, she was already a little overweight..

Connie Stinson: She was fat! But she got fatter. And you said, "Uh-uh, no way. Hasta la vista, fat hog!" Right?

Jodie: I just thought she should go on a diet.

Connie Stinson: You wanted that fat hog to lose weight, and one way to achieve this would be to sew the fat hog's mouth shut. Is that what you thought?

Jodie: Good God, no! I just thought she should limit her intake of sugars, or something.

Connie Stinson: Okay, so you said, "Hey, Hog, stay away from the Chunky Chews."

Jodie: [ confused ] I guess.. sure..

Connie Stinson: I'm sure she has something to say about that. Let's meet her. [ Jodie's overweight girlfriend struts onto the stage and sits next to him ] Her name is Crystal.. and I think she looks pretty good. [ audience members whistle ]

Crystal: I weight 179 pounds, and I've never looked better, and no man can tell me otherwise!

Connie Stinson: Jodie says you're a fat hog! He says, "I don't want to sew the fat hog's mouth shut. I just want you to eat less sugar." Crystal, let me ask you this: Shouldn't love be less superficial?

Crystal: Yeah. It should. I don't need no man who can't see past the surface to the girl within!

Connie Stinson: Go, girl! You're saying, "I may be a huge, steaming hunk of fat hog, but that's me, take it or leave it, buddy!" Right?

Crystal: Uh.. sorta.. [ audience claps ]

Connie Stinson: Okay. Let's meet Darnell. [ camera focuses on Darnell ] Now, you told us earlier.. "I like a woman with a little meat on her bones, but lately it's been getting ridiculous." Right?

Darnell: Yeah! I like something to hold onto, not drive around the damn golf course! [ audience boos him ]

Connie Stinson: Uh-oh! I see fireworks coming! Let's meet her. Cheryl, come on out. [ Darnell's overweight girlfriend struts onto the stage and sits next to him ] Hey, Cheryl? Welcome to the show! So, tell us, how do you think you look?

Cheryl: Well, I eat a lot, I'm not denying it.. But, hell, you don't see me complaining about his gut, man! [ points to Darnell's stomach ] Looks to me like he should wear a t-shirt that says "Baby on Board"! What about it! [ lavishes the audience's support ]

Connie Stinson: Darnell, what do you say?

Darnell: Well, you know.. I married a girl, not a planet. You know, when I roll over on top of her, I feel like I'm Neil damn Armstrong! [ audience boos him ]

Connie Stinson: Darnell, it sounds like the audience does not agree with you. They're saying, "Hey, sure, we're mindless hyenas, worthless white trash, no-account colored people.. but we still know when a guy's got his head up his ass." Right? [ audience is stunned and silent ]

Cheryl: [ interrupting ] Hey. Hey. Hey. If Darnell don't like me, he can put his tired ass on the next bus out! Go Greyhound, baby! Go Greyhound! [ audience cheers her ]

Connie Stinson: More power to you, girl! Love yourself the way you are. Just look in the mirror and say to yourself, "Fat, stinking hog, I like you!" Would you do for me, honey, huh?

Cheryl: [ speechless ] Uh.. I.. I.. suppose I could..

Connie Stinson: How about a hand for her, folks? [ audience claps ] That's one brave hog! Okay, let's meet Tom. He's different from other men.. [ camera focuses on Tom ] ..aren't you? He says, "Although my wife is fat now, I'd like her to be even fatter." Tom, explain that.

Tom: Well, I'm kind of skinny, you know? So, psychologically, it's weird.. but if my wife would add a few more pounds, I'd love her even more. [ audience coos ]

Connie Stinson: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute! So, you say, "Hey, I'm a skinny puke. So, I'm glad my wife's a fat slice of hog meat. But, because I'm half-a-fag, I'd like her to be even more of a stinking hog." Is that it?

Tom: I don't know.. it sounds different when you say it.

Tiffany: Let's meet her. Tiffany? Honey, come on out. [ Tom's overweight wife struts onto the stage and sits next to him ] Ouch! Look at you! You're a mountain! Even so, Tom says he wants you to be an even bigger stinking fat hog!

Tiffany: Yeah? Well, any food that I eat is less food than makes it to his skinny ass!

Connie Stinson: Go, girl! Say it loud: "I'm a hog married to a fruit, and I'm proud!" Okay, audience, any questions? [ pulls a young man out of the audience ]

Young Man in Audience: Yeah, this is for Cheryl - I just want to say that if your man dumps you, he's stupid, because I think that you're beautiful! [ audience cheers ]

Connie Stinson: Darnell, let me just say something here. It sounds like other men don't have a problem with your greasy hog wife. Now, why should you? [ gives a man in the audience a chance to speak ]

Man in Audience: Yeah, I got something I want to say. The guys up there, they must be crazy.. 'cause any one of these beautiful girls can come to my house anytime, and I'll make them feel like a woman! [ relishes the audience's cheers ]

Connie Stinson: Wait a minute. Ladies. Okay, this is the point. Did you hear that? He just said, "Hey, big fat, gross hogs.. my face is leaving town in five minutes. Be on it!" Isn't that right?

Man in Audience: [ appalled ] No.. I've changed my mind.. never mind. [ bumper reads: "Changed his mind. No longer wants big gross ho on face." ]

Connie Stinson: Guys, guys.. wait a minute.. wait, wait.. We're at the end of the show. I think this audience is trying to tell you, "Look past the mounds of gross, fat hog flesh, and see the beauty within." Folks, that's our show. As Baudelaire said, "Beauty is for those who only see. Real beauty is for those who feel." Now.. if you're a fat piece of stinking hog, you should like that one. Join me tomorrow for more idiots and freaks.

[ fade ]

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