Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 11





95k: Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos

Tales of Bill Brasky

First Friend of Brasky.....Will Ferrell
Second Friend of Brasky.....David Koechner
Third Friend of Brasky.....Alec Baldwin
Fourth Friend of Brasky.....Mark McKinney
Guy At Bar.....Tim Meadows

[ open on interior, airport bar, group of salesmen laughing and drinking ]

First Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch! Do you fellas know Bill Brasky?

Second Friend of Brasky: Hell yeah, I know Bill Brasky! He's a big fella, goes about 6'4", 280. He loves his Scotch!

Third Friend of Brasky: He does! He's a hell of a salesman!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Third Friend of Brasky: Did you know Bill Brasky is the godfather of my son?

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky?

First Friend of Brasky: He's a big fella!

Second Friend of Brasky: Oh yeah, he's a big guy! Goes about 6'7", 385.

Third Friend of Brasky: Well, anyway.. he shows up at the church in his golf pants, caked in mud. Well, ol' Bill Brasky pushes the priest aside and says, "I'll baptize that piece of calimari!" Then he pours Scotch all over my baby son and says, "There! You're baptized!"

Fourth Friend of Brasky: And your son is blind to this day!

First Friend of Brasky: Yeah, he makes brooms somewhere in Georgia, doesn't he?

Third Friend of Brasky: I have no idea. [ pause ] To Bill Brasky!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Second Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky sold me into slavery?

First Friend of Brasky: Well, if you're talking about Bill Brasky, I believe it!

Second Friend of Brasky: Oh, yeah! He puts me on a ship to Thailand, right? And I'm chained to a pipe. Meanwhile, ol' Brasky, he's back in the States siring three beautiful children with my wife!

First Friend of Brasky: I hate Bill Brasky.. but I respect him!

Guy At Bar: Are you talking about Bill Brasky? I know Bill Brasky!

First Friend of Brasky: Then let me buy you a round!

Third Friend of Brasky: Hey, easy, Hank, easy.. To Bill Brasky!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky showed up at my daughter's wedding? You know my daughter, she's a beautiful girl.

First Friend of Brasky: I tell you, I'd like to have sex with her!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Well, Brasky shows up.. and you know he's a big fella.

Third Friend of Brasky: Goes about 7'8", 530.

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Well, he's standing right between me and my daughter at the ceremony. He's got no right to be there, but he's drunk and he's Brasky! Well, long story short: the priest accidentally marries me and Brasky! [ the guys laugh ] Off! Off! Off! We spend the weekend in the Poconos - he loves me like I've never been loved before!

Second Friend of Brasky: Best damn salesman in the office!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Third Friend of Brasky: You know how Brasky served three tours in 'Nam?

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Uh-huh!

Third Friend of Brasky: Well, I'm in Corpus Christi on business a month ago, and I had this eight-foot tall Asian waiter.. which made me a little curious, so I asked him his name, and sure enough it's Ho Tran Brasky!

First Friend of Brasky: To William Robert Brasky!

Second Friend of Brasky: Oh, yeah!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Hey, you ever go camping with Brasky?

Third Friend of Brasky: Many times.

First Friend of Brasky: I went camping with Brasky, his wife, and his daughter Debbie!

Third Friend of Brasky: Debbie Brasky?

First Friend of Brasky: Debbie Brasky. She's 7-years-old, goes about 3'5", 55 pounds. So, I'm in the back of a pickup with Bill Brasky and a live deer! Well, Brasky, he grabs the deer by the antlers, looks at it and says, "I'm Bill Brasky! Say it!" Then he squeezes the deer in such a way that a sound comes out of its mouth - "Billbrasky!" It wasn't exactly it, but it was pretty good for a deer!

Third Friend of Brasky: That's Bill Brasky!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: I once saw him eat a whole live chicken.

First Friend of Brasky: His favorite movie is "One on One" with Robby Benson.

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky once gave me a videotape of him having sex with my wife, and it was the most beautiful damn thing I ever saw!

Second Friend of Brasky: I have that tape!

Guy At Bar: [ turning around ] So do I!

Third Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky! A ten-foot-tall, two-ton son of a bitch who could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Big Booming Voice: [ from extremely tall figure in upper camera angle ] Did someone say Bill Brasky?

[ the guys get excited and raise their glasses in the air towards Bill Brasky ]

Together: Bill Brasky!!

[ fade ]


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