95k: Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos
Mrs. Buckwell.....Nancy Walls
Henry Buckwell.....Alec Baldwin
Voice #1.....David Koechner
Voice #2.....Colin Quinn
Voice #3.....Molly Shannon
Voice #4.....Will Ferrell
[ open on exterior, bedroom window, as the interior lights go out ]
[ dissolve to interior, bedroom, Henry Buckwell and his wife in bed. Buckwell sighs and ruffles his pillow into a more comfortable shape. ]
Mrs. Buckwell: What's wrong, honey? Can't sleep?
Henry Buckwell: I guess I'm just nervous about the election.
Mrs. Buckwell: Don't worry. You're gonna win. You'll be the best governor our state has ever had.
Henry Buckwell: Thanks, sweetie.
[ a crash is heard downstairs ]
Mrs. Buckwell: [ alarmed ] I think someone's downstairs!
Henry Buckwell: [ climbs out of bed ] I'll get the gun.
Mrs. Buckwell: No, honey! Don't!
[ dissolve to darkened downstairs living room, as Buckwell climbs downstairs ]
Henry Buckwell: Don't move, I've got a gun!
[ Buckwell fires his gun, as a light whimper sounds ]
[ the front door opens, as a man enters. Buckwell turns on the light to reveal a bloodied dog lying across the couch. He covers his face in immediate shame. ]
Man: Lassie? Lassie? [ looks down at the couch ] Oh, my God, Lassie! You shot Lassie!
[ Mrs. Buckwell and the kids rush down the stairs ]
Mrs. Buckwell: No! No! You shot Lassie!
Kids: Daddy shot Lassie! Lassie's dead!
Henry Buckwell: It was an accident! What the hell were you doing in hee, anyway?!
Man: She was trying to warn you that you have a carbon monoxide leak! And you shot her! It's Lassie!
Daughter: I hate you, Daddy!
Henry Buckwell: I didn't mean to! [ reaches his hand to Lassie ]
Man: Get away!
[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: "Candidate Buckwell Kills Lassie" ]
[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: "Buckwell Falls To Second In Governor's Race After Shooting Lassie" ]
[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: "Lassie Killer To Debate Governor Tonight" ]
[ dissolve to the governor's debate, as the incumbent governor concludes his speech at the podium ]
Governor: And in conclusion, we need to get poor people pulling themselves up by their bootstraps, or else in prison!
[ the governor gives a knowing glance to his constituents, as they applaud for him ]
Moderator's Voice: And now, we'll hear from the challenger - Henry Buckwell.
[ Buckwell takes his position at the podium ]
Henry Buckwell: I guess I have a little more faith in the people than the current governor. I believe that people want to work, if given the opportunity --
Voice #1: You shot Lassie!!
Henry Buckwell: I believe that we have created a system that excludes certain races --
Voice #2: Shut up, Lassie-killer!!
Henry Buckwell: Yes, that was an accident. But, as I was saying - I envision a state where people have the opportunity to --
Voice #3: -- to kill Lassie!!
Voice #4: You killed Lassie, you bastard!!
[ the crowd starts booing ]
Henry Buckwell: Listen! Please, listen! Listen! It was a mistake, alright! Have a little understanding!
[ a woman holding a baby steps forward and holds her baby up to Buckwell ]
Woman: Kiss my --
Henry Buckwell: [ leans forward and points at his confronter ] Kiss my ASS!! [ covers his face when he realizes he's eye-level with a baby ]
Woman: [ horrified ] I was gonna say, "Kiss my baby!" [ flees the scene ]
Voice #4: He cursed at a BABY!!
Voice #3: He did! He swore at an infant!
Henry Buckwell: I couldn't see who it was! I didn't know!
[ the crowd boos louder ]
[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: "Lassie Killer Candidate Curses Out Baby" ]
[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: "First Dogs Now Babies" ]
[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: "Lassie Killer/Baby Curser Goes To Speak Tonight" ]
[ dissolve to Buckwell speaking before a podium ]
Henry Buckwell: People, there's been some confusion about certain recent events, but I've come here tonight.. to speak to you as an American.
Voice #3: You're a baby curser!
Voice #1: You shot Lassie!
[ the crowd boos, and begins pelting Buckwell with eggs. He stumbles across the stage, then blindly grabs at the American flag for something with which to wipe his pants. The crowd groans, as Buckwell realizes what we has done. ]
[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: "Buckwell Wipes Ass With Flag" ]
[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: "Lassie Assassin And Baby Slanderer Cleans Self With Old Glory And Offers Program To Lower Unemployment" ]
[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: "Lassie Killer/Baby Attacker/Flag Defiler Speak Tonight On TV" ]
[ dissolve to Buckwell speaking before a podium ]
Henry Buckwell: Ladies and gentlemen of this great state, I come before you a humble man, who hopes only to serve other people. And, yes, I've stumbled. I've shot Lassie. I've cursed at an infant. And, yes, I've wiped my ass with the American flag! But don't let that define me. Don't judge me. Because, someday, you could find yourself in a similar situation. You could kill Babe, that lovable pig!
Voice #3: Don't talk about BABE like that!!
[ the crowd again begins to boo and pelt Buckman with eggs. He stumbles across the stage, almost grabs the American flag to wipe himself off, but catches himself and accidentally grabs a woman's baby with which to wipe his pants. The crowd groans, as Buckwell realizes what we has done. ]
Voice #1: He wiped his ass with a BABY!!
Voice #4: Oh, my Goooooodd!!
[ Buckwell quickly stands behind the podium ]
Henry Buckwell: Please! Please! You're missing my point! I just want to serve you all as governor!
Voice #4: That'll NEVER happen!! Everyone HATES you!
Henry Buckwell: Then, I think it's a sad day when a man can't get elected because he shot a dog, shouted obscenities at a newborn, and defiled a flag! And, yes, wiped his ass with a baby! And I ask each of you to look beyond these things, and vote for me! Because, you know something? I think we're gonna surprise some people! [ throws his arms up in a Nixon victory pose, as he begins to weep. The crowd cheers. ]
Announcer: [ over SCROLL ] "And he did. For Henry Buckwell went on to receive zero percent of the vote.
While the incumbent received a hundred percent.
But Henry did go on to be the governor of his own state.
He put a bunch of his daughter's dolls around a hole in the woods and served as their governor for three years.
People would often hear his voice echo through the woods as he yelled, "I'm the Governor! I'm the Governor!
Henry Buckwell now delivers newspapers with a big radio taped to the front of his bicycle so he can let everyone know, "who's winnin' the ball game." ]
[ fade ]