Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 15















95o: John Goodman / Everclear

John Goodman's Monologue

.....John Goodman
.....Elle MacPherson
.....Jim Breuer
.....Norm MacDonald
.....Mark McKinney
.....Tim Meadows
.....Lorne Michaels
.....Molly Shannon
.....Nancy Walls

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen -- John Goodman!

John Goodman: Thank you! Thank you very much! It is great to be here hosting "Saturday Night Live" for -- can you believe it? The 7th time!

[ Cheers and applause ]

John Goodman: Now when you host five times, that puts you in the Five-Timers Club. And that's great! Because you know what that gets you? 50% off at all participating Red Lobsters. And when you host six times, it gets even better! Lorne personally hands you the keys to a brand new Mercedes Benz convertible SL... and then he has you drive him to the opera. But when you host seven times, that's the sweetest!

[ John gives a "sweet life" kiss. ]

John Goodman: Because you don't have to do the monologue. That's right! You can do whatever you want -- like right now, I want to sit down!

[ Dignitary music plays as two stagehands place down a throne adorned with a large "7" on top. Elle MacPherson comes on home base and places a "7" crown on John's head while holding a "7" scepter. ]

Elle MacPherson: Here's your scepter.

[ John takes the scepter. ]

John Goodman: Why thank you, supermodel Elle MacPherson!

[ Elle curtsies and departs. John heads to his throne. ]

John Goodman: She a 10 and I'm a 7! Here we go -- I'm going to sit back and have my favorite beverage -- a Seven & Seven!

[ A crew member hands him the beverage. ]

John Goodman: You know, this reminds me of my film "King Ralph", which, seven people went to go see! Coincidence? I think not. One of the great things about hosting seven times is Lorne gives you access to his secret remote control. Let's take a look, shall we?

[ John grabs a remote control on the throne and pushes a button. ]

[ SECURITY CAMERA POV - THE CONTROL ROOM ]

John Goodman (V/O): That's the control room. Pretty cool, huh?

[ SECURITY CAMERA POV - MOLLY'S DRESSING ROOM ]

[ Molly Shannon's rested on her couch, rehearsing tonight's script. ]

John Goodman (V/O): That's Molly going over her lines.

[ SECURITY CAMERA POV - TIM'S DRESSING ROOM ]

[ Tim Meadows is flexing his muscles in front of the mirror. ]

Tim Meadows: Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

John Goodman (V/O): That's Tim. I don't know what he's doing.

Tim Meadows: Whoo-oo!!

[ SECURITY CAMERA POV - LADIES ROOM ]

John Goodman (V/O): Ladies room! Cool!!

[ A toilet flushes. The stall opens. Nancy Walls emerges and adjusts her hair as she leaves. ]

John Goodman (V/O): That's Nancy Walls.

[ Mark McKinney exits the same stall and zips his pants. ]

John Goodman (V/O): And that's Mark McKinney!

[ SECURITY CAMERA POV - CONTROL ROOM ]

John Goodman (V/O): That's boring. I've already seen that.

[ SECURITY CAMERA POV - NORM'S DRESSING ROOM ]

[ Norm MacDonald's emceeing a cockfight with several Mexican gamblers. ]

John Goodman (V/O): That's Norm getting ready for Update.

[ Back to Home Base. ]

John Goodman: Cool. But the best part about hosting seven times -- I can make the cast do whatever I want! Jim Breuer!

[ SECURITY CAMERA POV - MAKEUP ROOM ]

[ Jim Breuer's getting make-up applied. ]

Jim Breuer: Yeah, John? I'm kind of busy getting ready.

John Goodman (V/O): I don't think so.

[ SPLIT SCREEN BETWEEN JOHN AND JIM ]

John Goodman: I want you to come out here and do that thing you did last night while we were at dinner?

Jim Breuer: What thing?

John Goodman: You know -- that impression of Alanis Morissette singing about Bob Dole.

Jim Breuer: John, we were drunk last night. I don't think -- I don't -- no, I don't want to do it. No.

John Goodman: Lorne...

[ Lorne Michaels is watching the monologue on a monitor under the bleachers. ]

John Goodman (V/O): Is Jim doing it?

[ Lorne nods. ]

[ SPLIT SCREEN BETWEEN JOHN AND JIM ]

John Goodman: See you soon!

[ Jim is pissed. ]

[ Back to Home Base. ]

John Goodman: You see, Jim & I went out last night for St. Patty's Day and had one too many... actually seven too many! And I think combined, we both threw up seven times. Now let's get some production values.

[ Two large Dole for President Posters, plastered with Dole's face, drop down. John gets up. ]

John Goodman: Ladies and gentlemen, in honor of my 7th time hosting and because I want to see it, here's Jim Breuer as Alanis Morissette singing about Bob Dole!

[ John goes back to his throne. Jim enters dressed as Alanis Morissette. ]

Jim Breuer: [ Alanis' Voice ] Hit it boys!

[ INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC: "HAND IN MY POCKET" ]

Jim Breuer: [singing]
"He's wrinkly but rugged
He's grey but his hair is dyed
Liver spots on his forehead, Ba-by!!"

"What is all comes down to, my Republican friend,
Are the delegates on his si-ii-de!?
Because Bob's got one hand in his pocket,
While Clinton's hand squeezing some girl's behind!"

[ John winks to the camera. ]

"He was friend with Bob Hope's dad
He's old but doesn't drool
Okay he drools but not a lot
Not as much as Re-aa-gan!!!"

[ John's swaying to the song. ]

"What is all comes down to, my Republican friend,
Are the delegates on his si-ii-de!?
Because Bob's got one hand holding a pencil,
While the other one's giving a victory sign!"

[ Jim starts playing the harmonica solo on the song. John gets up and claps. Jim exits. ]

John Goodman: Thank you, Jim! Everclear is here! So stick around! We'll be right back!


Submitted by: Cody Downs


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