Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 15




95o: John Goodman / Everclear

The Real World II

Kristen.....Cheri Oteri
Terry.....Mark McKinney
Chloe.....Molly Shanno
Hoagie.....Jim Breuer
Annabel.....Nancy Walls
Chris.....Tim Meadows
Bob Dole.....Norm MacDonald

[ Segment #2 opens on Hoagie and Kristen arguing in the living room ]

Hoagie: Yes, it matters when! Because they're my CDs, and I get to listen to 'em!

Kristen: Listen to you.. quit..

Hoagie: I dn't wanna..!

[ Bob Dole walks past, tires of the argument, and kicks the back of Hoagie's knee, sending him crashing to the ground ]

Kristen: Oh, my God!

[ cut to Chris explaining the living situation so far ]

Chris: Bob said, "No, I can't get in touch with other people." He said he had a fear of intimacy.. and I was just like, "Wow. And you're going to be President?"

[ cut to Bob Dole in the bathroom, practicing speeches in front of the mirror ]

Bob Dole: "I'm President Bob Dole, I'm President of the United States, nice to meet you, Ambassador! [ laughs ] This must be your lovely wife? Assistant? Sorry. Oh, your wife passed on? Oh, I.. I.. uh.. no way I could have known. Rest assured, you have the condolences of the President of the United States, I'm President of the United States, I'm President Bob Dole, I'm President and I live in the White House!"

Hoagie: [ walks in, amazed at the sight before him ] You are pathetic, man..

[ cut to close-up of phone ringing ]

[ show Bob feeding the fish in the tank, as Kristen enters ]

Kristen: Hi, Bob.

Bob Dole: Hello, there.

Kristen: Oh.. Bob, some election guy called for you.

Bob Dole: Who was it?

Kristen: I forgot..

Bob Dole: What do you mean "you forgot"?! What did he say!

Kristen: I don't know.. something about exit polls, and the state being wrong, or something like that..

[ cut to Terry summarizing the scene ]

Terry: We're not being paid to be his secretary, and I'm not his secretary, and I wouldn't be his secretary..

[ return to scene ]

Bob Dole: What state?! Good God, woman, did you get a name!

Kristen: No. I'm sure if it's important, he'll call back.

[ cut to Kristen summarizing the scene ]

Kristen: I think it's safe to say that Bob and I have no communication, where communication is concerned.

[ show Terry and Chris talking in the bedroom in the middle of the night ]

Chris: And then what happened?

Terry: I go up in the bedroom, and there's my boyfriend Joey having, like, hot sex with this other guy..

Chris: Oh, man, that's rough. What did you say?

Terry: I called him "Chicken Hawk", every name in the book.. I called him "Mochachino Boy Slut", and I dumped, like, this KY jelly all over them. But we winded up having this amazing three-way, it was, like, my first..

Chris: Oh, my God.. congratulations.

Terry: Thank you, thank you.

Chris: Are you gonna see him again?

[ camera pans slowly up to see Bob Dole lying at the top of a bunk bed, eyes open wide, petrified at the contnet of the conversation that was woken him out of bed. ]

[ fade to black ]


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