Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 18



95r: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band

Spartan Cheerleaders

Arianna.....Cheri Oteri
Craig.....Will Ferrell
Gabrielle.....Teri Hatcher

(shows the school with a sign saying: East Lake Math Club Regional Competition, and then kids taking tests and then to the Spartans)

Both: V for Victory! I said V Â for Victory!

Craig: Spread that V!

Arianna: Dot that I !

Both: Rock that C-T-O-R-Y! Whoo Spartan Spirit!!

(erasers are thrown at them from off camera and they both stop cheering to pick them up, then sit back down)

Craig: Ok we'll take a break

Arianna: its an accident. That's all right! Oh My God Craig! I cant believe it! Our Differential Calculus squad is really kicking some tail!

Craig: I know! I'll say! And wait till they get a load of our herkie jump!

Arianna: bad news flash Craig, I cant do the herkie jump today, I've got my friend.

Craig: What??

Arianna: um, I can't go swimming!

Craig: ohh. Hey that's not the only friend you got, and this one wont give you cramps!

(they both hug)

Arianna: Oh My God Ronald's approaching the chalkboard!

Both: Focus Ronald! Focus Ronald!

Arianna: OH MY GOD HE DROPPED THE CHALK!

Craig: pick it up! Pick it up! Ok he's got it! He's got it!

Arianna: Chalk can be slippery!

Craig: I know I know! He's got it. He wrote .35

Both: Is it right?

Arianna: no ones saying anything…. No.

(they pause and look confused for a couple of seconds before they realize its right)

Both: Oh my God! Its right! .35! whoo! Whoo!

(they jump up to cheer)

Both: arf arf arf arf! Chihuahua small dog! Chihuahua small dog! Introduce yourself! ARF!

Arianna: I'm Arianna! The boys are urging but I am proud to stay a virgin!

Both: Arf Arf arf arf! Chihuahua small dog! Chihuahua small dog! Introduce yourself! ARF!

Craig: My name is Craig! I give good hugs! Your not my friend if you do drugs!

Both: arf! Small dog! Whoo! Whoo! Spartan spirit!

(Gabrielle walks in wearing the real Spartan Cheerleader uniform)

Gabrielle: Hi craig. Hi arianna.

Arianna: Oh my God! Gabrielle!

Craig: Gabrielle! Arent you missing the game?

Arianna: I didn't no you liked math!

Gabrielle: Oh I Don't. I'm here on behalf of the REAL Spartan cheerleaders. Tommy Peters has mono and we need your help,

Both: Oh My god! This is it! Now's our chance! Oh my God!

Arianna: Gabrielle, we would be proud to join the real Spartan Squad!

Gabrielle: Not you Arianna, Just Craig.

(Arianna's looks like she is about to cry and she keeps repeating “Oh my god” softly for the next couple lines between Gabrielle and Craig)

Craig: Gabrielle I don't know if I'd feel right --

Gabrielle: Oh well I think you would feel just fine! And besides Arianna doesn't like you like that

Craig: Arianna!

Arianna: The real Spartans need you Craig. Your dream is calling! Pick up the phone.

Craig: Thank you! (and he runs off camera)

Gabrielle: That was for telling everyone about my WonderBra

Arianna: Whatever!

Gabrielle: Whatever! Whatever!

Arianna: WHATEVER WHATEVER WHATEVER WHATEVER!

(Gabrielle runs off camera too, leaving Arianna standing by herself)

Arianna: Oh my God! Ok right! Spirit Spirit! Come on Nathan! Your best utensil is a number 2 pencil! Come on Nathan! Come on Nathan!

(she starts to cry and sits back down. The screen changes to Gabrielle and Craig cheering at the basketball game, They are both cheering but only Gabrielle is moving around until Craig starts to, halfway through the cheer)

Gabrielle and Craig: Steady eddie eddie eddie ROCK! Who rocks the house? The Spartans rock the house! And when the Spartans rock the house, they rock it all the way down!

(Craig starts to repeat the cheer but Gabrielle stops him when she realizing he is doing the cheer moves too.)

Gabrielle: CRAIG! What are you doing? Your supposed to be standing still!

Craig: I just thought I'd throw in a trekking move! You know spice it up! You know when Arianna and I work on routines---

Gabrielle: wait a minute Craig! I make the decisions on this squad! If you don't like it, you can go back to your buddy from planet Freak, Arianna!

(Gabrielle's voice saying "Arianna" is echoed as the camera zooms in on Craig and a 25 second clip of a bunch of previous Spartan skits are shown, after the clips Craig runs off stage and Gabrielle comes running in on the other side and falls down)

Gabrielle: ouch! CRAIG BUCHANAN! YOU ARE DEAD MEAT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SPOT ME! AHH I CHIPPED A TOOTH! Whatever whatever --

( the screen goes back to Arianna alone cheering)

Arianna: Lucy, Charlie Brown, piano playing Schroeder! Your teams like Pigpen cause you got an odor! OPEN A WINDOW! Whoo whoo!

(she starts to cry and sits down again, and Craig runs in from the other side)

Craig: Hey! Who's that Spartan looking so lonely?

Arianna: it's me, It's me. I said whose that Spartan gonna sing with me?

Craig: It's me! Its me!

Both: Let's turn this mother out!

(they turn on Bust a move and exit with the Perfect Cheer)


Submitted by: Kittypuplvr


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Teri Hatcher's Monologue



Teri Hatcher's Monologue

.....Teri Hatcher
.....Will Ferrell
.....Nancy Walls
.....Tim Meadows


Teri Hatcher: Thank you very much! It is great to be here hosting "Saturday Night Live"! A lot of you know me from my TV show "Lois & Clark", where I play Lois. The main difference in this version of Superman is that I, Lois Lane, know that Clark Kent is Superman. [ as if dumbfounded ] I mean, how could you not know? Clark Kent wears glasses, and Superman doesn't, right? I mean, granted it did take me two seasons to figure that out..

Anyway, I had a lot of fun this week. In fact, Will Ferrell sent me flowers before the show, and he gave me the sweetest note. I just want to read it to you. [ opens the note and reads ] Uh.. "Dear Teri-kins.." [ laughs ] That's what he calls me! Um.. well.. you know what? Will should read this. [ looks offstage ] Will!

[ Will Ferrell appears onstage ]

Will Ferrell: Yeah. No problem. [ takes the note, and puts on a pair of reading glasses for improved vision ]

Teri Hatcher: You guys are just gonna love this! [ looks toward Will, but notices a strange man in glasses instead ] Oh, my God..!

Will Ferrell: [ reading ] "Dear Teri-kins.."

Teri Hatcher: [ panicked ] Who are you?!

Will Ferrell: [ confused ] Uhhh.. what's the matter, Teri? I'm just reading the note.

Teri Hatcher: Who are you?! Where did Will go?! Security!!

Will Ferrell: No, Teri! Whoa-oa-oa, look! [ removes his glasses ]

Teri Hatcher: [ relieved ] Ohh!

Will Ferrell: Yeah.

Teri Hatcher: Oh, my God.. oh, Will.. some creep was just up here, I was so scared!

Will Ferrell: Uh.. Teri, that was me..

Teri Hatcher: Oh, no no.. this guy was really freakish-looking..

Will Ferrell: No, no, no.. Teri, just watch. Look, look.. [ alternates between wearing the glasses and not wearing the glasses ] Will. Will. Will. Will. Will.. Will. Do you understand? I'm always Will. [ can see Teri is inable to grasp the concept, lookso ffstage for help ] Uh.. Nancy, could you come up here and help us with something?

[ Nancy Walls steps onstage, wearing a pair of glasses ]

Teri Hatcher: Who are you?

Nancy Walls: I'm Nancy Walls.

Teri Hatcher: Wait.. you're not Nancy Walls.

Nancy Walls: Yeah, it's me.. [ removes her glasses ]

Teri Hatcher: [ relieved ] Nancy!! Ohhh, my Gooood.. oh, you wouldn't believe it - there was just some crazy woman uo here pretending to be you!

Nancy Walls: No, no, no.. it's just these glasses. Here. [ puts the glasses on Teri ] Now, look in the monitor. [ points Teri the monitor they all appear on ]

Teri Hatcher: [ annoyed at the sight she sees on the monitor ] Who is that woman? I thought I was hosting the show tonight..?

Will Ferrell: No no, no no.. you are hosting the show tonight. [ removes the glasses from Teri's face ]

Teri Hatcher: [ relieved ] Ohhh, good! Ohhh, I've been working so hard on it all week!

[ Tim Meadows walks onstage, wearing a pair of glasses ]

Tim Meadows: Hey, guys, what's going on?

Teri Hatcher: [ worried ] Who's this guy?

Tim Meadows: Oh. I'm sorry. [ removes his glasses and smiles at Teri ]

Teri Hatcher: I still don't know who this guy is.

Tim Meadows: I-I'm Tim Meadows.. I've been in the cast for, like, eight years.

Teri Hatcher: What are your hit characters?

Tim Meadows: [ sullen ] I don't.. have any, really..

Teri Hatcher: Ohh.. [ putting him on ] Oh, well, I'm sure you'll get some! [ to the audience ] We have a great show for you! Dave Matthews Band is here! So stick around, we'll be right back!


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