Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 20

95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Jim Carrey's Monologue

.....Jim Carrey
Audience Member.....Adam McKay

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen - Jim Carrey!

Jim Carrey: [ moves his body like a robot, stretches his arms out toward the audience ] People of New York! I mean you no harm! Do not fear me! I come, not to destroy, but to brighten your lives through laughter and merriment! In exchange, I ask nothing more than your unconditional surrender! To "The Cable Guy"! Opening June 14th! And, perhaps, a crack at one of your freaky super models!

Our worlds are similar, yet different! Where I come from, minimum wage is $20 million! Yet, somehow, I manage to make ends meet! Some of your ways I do not undetand. Like the phrase "Over the top." I do not understand this! where I come from, spastic facial contortions are considered the ultimate in artistic achievement! And talking out of one's buttcrack, a sign of personal confidence!

[ the audience cheers, as Carrey lowers his arms and motions to the control booth ]

Jim Carrey: Can we just hold on for a second? Just hold on. Something is bothering me. There's something very wrong here. You know, I've been up here trying to make you guys laugh since I got out here. But there's one guy who's really bothering me, because he's got a stone face, and he's not even smiling, and he's right in the front row!

[ cut to audience member sitting stone-faced in the front row of the audience ]

And it's really starting to get to me, you know? This guy, right here. [ points to the man and steps toward him ] Hey! What's the problem, buddy?

Audience Member: I'm just not crazy about this whole spaceman thing, you know? It's kind of going over my head. Can't you be more like you are in the movies?

Jim Carrey: Oh, I see? A little smart for ya', huh? I know what you want. [ returns to the Home Base ] You want me to come out here and go: "Allllrighty, then!"

[ audience cheers ]

Audience Member: [ laughing along ] I know that! I know that!

Jim Carrey: I bet you'd love it if I just threw out the whole monologue, and went, "Ssssssssomebody stop me!"

[ audience cheers ]

Audience Member: [ laughing along ] I knew it! That's the good thing you do!

Jim Carrey: You want the Jim Carrey who goes: "Le-hoo.. sue-her!" Or: [ spins once ] "Ssssssssmokin'!"

[ audience cheers ]

Audience Member: [ laughing along ] That's what I know! Yeah!

Jim Carrey: In that case.. [ sticks his teeth out wide ] "Let me show you something! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Soundgarden is here tonight, ladies and gentlemen! Stick around, and watch me sell out big time!

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