95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.
[ audience screams and cheers ]
Norm MacDonald: Hi! I'm Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news.
Our top story tonight: In an emotional press conference this week, Bob Dole announced that he was resigning from the U.S. Senate, where he has served for nearly three decades. Dole said he regretted leaving the Senate, but needed to focus all his energies on a goal many had once thought impossible: getting Bill Clinton re-elected.
Meanwhile, the Clinton administration has charged that the new Republican budget contains hidden tax breaks for big business and the wealthy. In response, Republiccan lawmakers said, "Shhhh!"
Arriving back in the U.S., after his week in London, O.J. Simpson was asked by a reporter why he hadn't spent Mother's Day with his children. A visibly annoyed Simpson replied, "Idiot! I didn't spend Mother's Day with my kids because I killed their mother!"
While in England, where he spoke at Oxford University, Simpson had defended actor Marlon Brando's criticism of Hollywood Jews. Later, from his island hideaway, Brando sent O.J. a telegram, which read, "You're not helping!"
According to this week's Star Magazine, Unabomber suspect, Ted Kaczynski, is still a virgin at the age of 53. This isn't too surpising, when you consider that Kaczynski's best pick-up line was "My dirty woodshack or yours?"
At the White House this week, President Clinton officially came out agaisnt same-sex marriages. What's more, the President said he is not too crazy about opposite-sex marriages, either.
According to published reports, M-TV News anchor Tabitha Soren has been romantically linked to journalist Michael Lewis. Soren denies the reports, claiming she doesn't have time for a boyfriend because she's too busy pretending not to be stupid.
It was revealed this week that mass murderer Richard Speck, while serving a lifetime sentence in prison, was videotaped with hormone-induced breasts, snorting cocaine, and having sex with a man. The film was apparently made with prison video equipment, and a $300,000 grant from the National Endowment for the Arts.
Tomorrow night on "60 Minutes", Dr. Jack Kevorkian will sit for his first-ever in-depth interview. According to producers, Kevorkian agreed to the interview only on condition that it be conducted by veteran correspondent Andy Rooney. Wait! Don't do it, Andy, it's a trap! It's a trap!
[ show cover of Vanity Fair, with t-shirt-clad Tom Cruise stretching his arms in front of a huge, flaming fire, with the headline "Cruise on Fire" ]
In an interview in this month's Vanity Fair, actor Tom Cruise attempts to end, once and for all, rumors that he is gay.
While performing in New York this week, to a packed audience, Yoko Ono shocked the crowd by tearing up a bible. Most shocking of all: Yoko Ono performed to a packed audience.
This week, the FDA gave final approval to a device that prevents heart attacks by blasting the heart with a powerful jolt of electricity. If the device works properly, you will not have a heart attack. If it doesn't work properly, you will have a giant heart attack.
Well, more O.J. Simpson news. On Friday, the Juice officially endorsed Bill Clinton for President, adding, "I'd like to help him any way I can." To which the President replied, "Well, there is one thing."
[ cut to photo of Hillary Clinton ]
And, finally tonight, we at Weekend Update salute a fellow journalist on his retirement. John Tesh is leaving his job at "Entertainment Tonight", in order to concentrate on making horrible, horrible music.
Norm MacDonald: And that's the way it is! See you next year, folks, have a good summer!