Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 1







96a: Tom Hanks / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

The Ambiguously Gay Duo

Jingle: "The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
They are taking on evil, come what may
They are fighting all crime to save the day.
They're extremely close in an ambiguous way.
They're ambiguoysly gay.
They're ambiguoysly gay.
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!"


Announcer: The Ambiguously Gay Duo! Tonight's episode: "It Takes Two To Tango."

[ open in Big Head's secret laboratory ]

Big Head: ..And once we get this formula into the water supply, Metroville will be mine! [ evil laugh ] Come here, Ratsley! [ rat jumps on Big Head's shoulder, sips some of the evil formula, then vanishes into thin air ]

Thug #1: [ laughing ] You're a genuis, Big Head!

Big Head: Yes! Not even that insufferable duo, Ace & Gary, can stop me!

Thug #1: What's with those two? Do they have a "gay" thing, or what?

Big Head: I think so.

Thug #2: What? You're crazy!

Thug #1: I kind of see it.

Big Head: Look! You asked my opinion!

[ cut to City Hall, the Metroville Commissioner on the phone with Ace ]

Commissioner: We've got Big Head tracked on 24th and monroe! We're counting on you!

[ cut to Ace & Gary's secret lair, Ace on the phone ]

Ace: We won't let you down, Commissioner. [ hangs up phone ]

Gary: [ rises from gym equipment, bare torso ] Can we stop him, Ace?

Ace: If we work together, Friend of Friends. Let's go!

[ Ace & Gary hop into their phallic-shaped supermobile, and zoom off ]

[ cut to Big Head's secret laboratory, Big Head and his Thugs sitting around a table still discussing Ace & Gary ]

Thug #2: I really don't see it..

Big Head: Please.

Thug #2: I thought they were just Super Pals?

Big Head: Look, I don't have a problem with it! That's not what this is about!

[ the wall crashes over them. When the dust clear,s Ace & Gary's car is poking upward from the rubble, as they come tumbling out. ]

Gary: Not so fast, Big Head!

[ Ace & Gary each knock out one of Big Head's Thugs, then Ace shoots a laser beam from his eye and aims it at Big Head's evil formula - Gary catches it ]

Ace: [ pats Gary's ass ] Good work, Gary! They're finished now. [ Big Head and his Thugs wink at each other when they notice the ass-pat ] What's everyone looking at?

Big Head: Nothing! [ to his Thugs ] Get them!

[ Ace & Gary knock out the Thugs again, but Big Head snags them by the pants using a crane. He then hangs them over a pit of vaporizing solution. ]

Big Head: Looks like you're the ones who are finished! [ evil laugh ] In a few minutes, you will be lowered into my vaporizing solution! Ta ta!

Gary: What do we do, Ace?

Ace: We'll pull through, Friend. Grab me, so we can support each other. [ they grab each other's hands, twist their legs around each other's, and try to loosen the hooks from the back of each other's pants, as Big Head and his Thugs watch disdainfully. ] Now, what are you looking at?!

Big Head & Thugs: Nothing!!

Announcer: Will Big Head and his men poison the water supply?

Can Ace & Gary escape the deadly pool?

Are they gay?

Tune in next week, same ambiguously time, on..

Jingle: "The Ambiguously Gay Duo!"


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