Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 1





96a: Tom Hanks / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Mary Katherine Gallagher

Mr. Bartholomew.....Tom Hanks
Mary Katherine Gallagher.....Molly Shannon
Patrick.....Will Ferrell
Student.....Ana Gasteyer
Miss Lopez.....Cheri Oteri

[ EXT. ST. MONICA'S CATHOLIC HIGH SCHOOL - DAY ]

[ INT. ST. MONICA'S CATHOLIC HIGH SCHOOL - DAY ]

[ HALLWAY SIGN: MACBETH REHEARSAL - 3:00 PM ]

[ INT. ST. MONICA'S AUDITORIUM - STAGE ]

[ Two seniors, PATRICK and a FEMALE STUDENT, are dressed in poor man's Elizabethan costumes. MARY KATHERINE GALLAGHER stands in the far back as a guard. The stage is adorned in trees and a brick wall - all made of cardboard. ]

Patrick: Gentle woman, I have watched two nights with you. When was it Lady Macbeth last walked?

Student: Lo you, here she comes! This is her very guise!

Patrick: Hark, she speaks!

[ MISS LOPEZ, dressed as Lady Macbeth, trudges onto the scene chewing gum. ]

Miss Lopez: Out, damn spot! Out, I say! -- then, one, two -- why, then tis' time to do't...

[ Mary Katherine Gallagher inches closer and closer to Miss Lopez and sticks her spear in front of her. ]

Mr. Bartholomew (V/O): Hold it! Hold, hold, hold!

Miss Lopez: Hell is murky!

[ MR. BARTHOLOMEW, bespectacled in turtleneck and suit, races on stage. ]

Mr. Bartholomew: Hold, hold, hold, hold, hold, hold, HOLD!!! Hello?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Hi!

Mr. Bartholomew: Who are you?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Mary Katherine Gallagher!

[ Mary Katherine Gallagher shakes Mr. Bartholomew's hand. He rolls his eyes. ]

Mr. Bartholomew: Mary Katherine Gallagher. Um... yes... um... what are you doing?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I'm the guard.

Mr. Bartholomew: Oh, really?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah, I play the guard.

Mr. Bartholomew: The guard? And pray tell, what exactly is the guard doing over here?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I'm guarding... and guarding.

Mr. Bartholomew: No, no, Miss Gallagher - you are not guarding... but you are... upstaging! If memory serves me right, seven scenes from now, a "Mr. Macduff" is going to storm through that unattended door back there and cut off Mr. Macbeth's head. So, if you have indeed been hired to guard the Macbeth household, I suggest YOU get BACK to your POST!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Ok.

[ Mr. Bartholomew gives hand directions to Patrick. ]

Mr. Bartholomew: Again! Patrick...

[ Mr. Bartholomew takes a seat in the front row. ]

Patrick: Hark, she speaks!

[ Mary Katherine Gallagher fends off imaginary foes in the background. Patrick and the other female student fend themselves as Mary Katherine Gallagher overacts with the spear. ]

Student: Lo you, here she comes! This is her very guise!

Miss Lopez: Out, damn spot!

[ Mr. Bartholomew races on stage. ]

Mr. Bartholomew: Hold, hold, hold, hold, HOLD!!! Hold, hold!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm very sorry.

Mr. Bartholomew: Mary, Mary... Hello, hello, HELLO, HELLO!!!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I... I... I... thought I saw Macduff.

Mr. Bartholomew: No, no, NO, NO, NO!!! You didn't see Macduff! There is no Macduff here. Did anyone see Macduff?

[ The other students shake their heads. ]

Mr. Bartholomew: Patrick, you see Macduff? I don't see Macduff! MACDUFF! DUFFIE!! DUFFIE!!! HEY! HEY! Do you know why no one has seen Macduff!!!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: No.

Mr. Bartholomew: Because ever since 1609, Macduff hasn't been in this scene. Maybe in the first draft in 1608, Macduff made an appearance. Maybe... But we here at St. Monica's High School have chosen to do the later, more popular, final draft of the tragedy of where the guard does not have a scene with Macduff.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I'm sorry. I thought I saw Macduff.

Mr. Bartholomew: Return to your post, Mary! Continue!

[ Mr. Bartholomew takes his seat. Miss Lopez takes a deep breath and starts smacking her gum louder. ]

Miss Lopez: Out, damn spot!

[ Mr. Bartholomew races on stage. ]

Mr. Bartholomew: Oh, come on! Hold, hold... Miss Lopez, I believe the line is "Out, damn'd spot!" and can we please lose the gum. We are playing Lady Macbeth - Not Bazooka Joe!

Miss Lopez: You know... You know, Mr. Bartholomew!? All right! I can only remember one at a time these stupid words, all right!? Ok! And I cannot believe I missed "Party of Five" to do this crap! All right!? All right!? Guess what? I quit.

[ Miss Lopez spits out her gum and exits. ]

Mr. Bartholomew: Well, Lady Macbeth just quit.

Patrick: Uh... Mr. B? The Inter-Catholic Shakespeare Competition is in 2 days. What are we going to do?

Mr. Bartholomew: Patrick -- first rule of the theater is, "The show must go on!" So even if it's just you, this other girl and Mary here -

[ Mr. Bartholomew stops in mid-sentence as he notices Mary Katherine Gallagher holding her digits close to her face. ]

Mr. Bartholomew: Mary, what are you doing?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Sometimes, when I get nervous, I stick my fingers under my arms and I smell them like that.

[ Mary Katherine Gallagher inhales hard from her fingertips. ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: It's awfully gross.

Mr. Bartholomew: Oh no. My... could... could you... just do that again?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Stick my fingers under my arms and then smell them?

[ Mary Katherine Gallagher demonstrates it again. ]

Mr. Bartholomew: Well, how engaging! I cannot turn my head away from you. Miss Gallagher, would you repeat after me...

Mary Katherine Gallagher: What?

Mr. Bartholomew: "Out, damn'd spot!"

Mary Katherine Gallagher: "Out, damn'd spot!"

Mr. Bartholomew: "Out, damn'd spot!"

Mary Katherine Gallagher: "Out, damn'd spot!"

Mr. Bartholomew: "Out, damn'd spot!"

Mary Katherine Gallagher: "Out, damn'd spot!"

Mr. Bartholomew: "OUT, DAM'D SPOT!"

Mary Katherine Gallagher: "OUT, DAM'D SPOT!"

Mr. Bartholomew: Now, just imagined you have just killed King Duncan. You see a spot of his blood on your hands, but it won't come out. "Out, damn'd spot!"

Mary Katherine Gallagher: "Out, damn'd spot!"

Mr. Bartholomew: "OUT, DAM'D SPOT!"

Mary Katherine Gallagher: "OUT, DAM'D SPOT!"

Mr. Bartholomew: "OUT, DAM'D SPOT!"

Mary Katherine Gallagher: "OUT, DAM'D SPOT!"

Mr. Bartholomew: You are a filthy, murderous queen ridden with guilt! "OUT, DAM'D SPOT!"

Mary Katherine Gallagher: "OUT, DAM'D SPOT!"

Mr. Bartholomew: "OUT, DAM'D SPOT!"

Mary Katherine Gallagher: "OUT, DAM'D SPOT!"

Mr. Bartholomew: But the spot won't leave! You cannot rid yourself of it!!! It returns over and over, like the fingers to your nose!

[ Mr. Bartholomew steps aside. ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: "Out, dam'd spot; out, I say. One, two -- why then ‘tis time to do't. Hell is murky. OUT, DAM'D SPOT! OUT I SAY!!"

[ Mary Katherine Gallagher starts jumping around the stage. ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: "OUT, DAM'D SPOT! OUT I SAY!! OUT!!! OUT!!! OUT!!! OUT!!!!!"

[ Mary Katherine Gallagher falls over a table in the background. All scenery and props collapse at once. Mr. Bartholomew helps her up. She strikes a pose. ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Shakespeare!

Mr. Bartholomew: Now, THAT, is Lady Macbeth! That is LADY MACBETH!!!

[ Mr. Bartholomew applauds her over and over as she continues to strike a pose. ]


Submitted by: Cody Downs


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