Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 1






96a: Tom Hanks / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

Jay Leno.....Darrell Hammond
Andie MacDowell.....Ana Gasteyer
John Barbary.....Tom Hanks
Mr. Peepers.....Chris Kattan

Jay Leno: And we are back, ladies and gentlemen. We're talking to Andie MacDowell.. [ points to object hidden by cloth ] ..and, I guess, apparently, in a few minutes we're gonna find out what this thing is. Andie, I read somewhere that you live on a farm?

Andie MacDowell: I live on a farm, there's lots of animals..

Jay Leno: That's terrific! Our next guest is a long-time buddy of "The Tonight Show", who always beings wonderful creatures from the wild animal park in San Diego. Please welcome John Barbary! [ John Barbary walks out ] Alright, it's good to see you, John!

John Barbary: It's great to be here, Jay. It's always a pleasure!

Jay Leno: Now, what have you brought this time - some of those African sapphire, you know they make me all, you know, gooey..

John Barbary: No, no.. not this time, Jay. I brought you something that is much, much more fascinating.

Jay Leno: Well, that's a big bulge underneath that blanket, what have you got Dennis Rodman in there!

John Barbary: Oh, no, no. You're too much, Jay! No, what I brought to you may very well be the missing link.

Jay Leno: Whoa, the missing link? What, is Tom Arnold here? [ rimshot ]

John Barbary: No, uh.. here, let me show him to you.. [ removes blanket to reveal a grotesque-looking man-like creature ] Jay, this is Mr. Peepers! Mr. Peepers is 17-years old, and he comes to us from the Amazon rainforest - so he might be just a little groggy right now.

Jay Leno: Right.. and as far as you know, there's only one of these in captivity?

John Barbary: Oh, that's right, Jay! That is correct! And believe me, if there was more than one of these little fellas, I'd be a busy bee! [ Mr. Peepers jumps on John and starts licking him ]

Jay Leno: Boy, I wish my wife Mavis would do that!


John Barbary: Let me tell you about my furry friend here. He has unusually thick hair - very coarse; he has, like a human, man-sized eyebrows; and he has impeccable grooming habits.

Jay Leno: I mean, I bet he's cleaner than Courtney Love!

John Barbary: [ stands Mr. Peepers on the stool ] Mr. Peepers!

Jay Leno: Geez, does he do any tricks, or anything?

John Barbary: Now, I'm glad you asked me that, Jay. Mr. Peepers has a vocabulary of over 5,000 words! Why, he can even say your name, Jay. [ turns to Mr. Peepers, who is dancing atop the stool ] Mr. Peepers - say Jay Leno!

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ claps hands ]

John Barbary: Jay Leno!

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ claps hands ]

John Barbary: Jay Leno!

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ claps hands ]

John Barbary: Jay Leno!

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ claps hands ]

John Barbary: Jay Leno!

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ claps hands ]

John Barbary: Jay Leno!

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ claps hands ]

John Barbary: There you go!

Jay Leno: [ not convinced ] No, no, no.. Mr. Peepers isn't saying anything.

Mr. Peepers: Bak! Bak! Bak! [ stomps ]

Jay Leno: What is he doing now?

John Barbary: Oh, he's just hungry. [ hands Mr. Peepers an apple - Peepers mows it down and spits the bites out machine-gun style ]

Jay Leno: Watch your fingers!

John Barbary: Don't worry, Jay. Mr. Peepers would never bite me. Peepers and I have this great trusting relationship. You know, Jay, people come up to me and they say, "John, is Mr. Peepers more of a man or a monkey?" I tell them I don't know, but one thing's for sure - his heart is all human.

Mr. Peepers: Bak! Bak! Bak! [ stomps ]

Jay Leno: What does he want now?

John Barbary: Uh.. he's still hungry.. No, Mr. Peepers! [ smacks hands ]

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ stomps ]

John Barbary: No, Peepers! [ smacks hands ]

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ stomps ]

John Barbary: No! [ smacks hands ]

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ stomps ]

John Barbary: No! [ smacks hands ]

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ stomps ]

John Barbary: No, Peepers! [ smacks hands ]

Mr. Peepers: Bak! [ stomps ]

John Barbary: No! [ smacks hands ] No! [ Peepers sits and puts his hand in his mouth ] Oh, alright.. one last one. [ gives Mr. Peepers another apple ]

Jay Leno: We're gonna have to go to a commercial now, ladies and gentlemen, but I'm..

[ Mr. Peepers runs amuck, jumping onto Jay's desk, then flops on top of Andie MacDowell and begins to hump her ]

John Barbary: No! No, Mr. Peepers! No! No, Mr. Peepers! No! No, Mr. Peepers! No! No, Mr. Peepers! No!

[ scene fades to black ]


SNL Transcripts