Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 22: Episode 3

96c: Bill Pullman / New Edition

Women´s Kickboxing

Hal Mendez.....Bill Pullman
Leslie Ann Smith.....Ana Gasteyer
Ann Manassas.....Molly Shannon
Announcer.....Will Ferrell

(Caption: "Tonight! Tonight! Tonight!" Rock guitar. Footage of different matches of women´s kickboxers, bashing each other)

Announcer: Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Through October 31st, it´s hard core action from the International League of Women´s Kickboxing!

(Sleazy promoter in a tuxedo)

Hal Mendez: I´m Hal Mendez and my American International League of Women´s Kickboxing is the only place where you can see women kicking women...hard!! For money.

(Caption: "Hal Mendez. Promoter I.L.O.W.K." More footage of women kicking each other in slow motion)

Announcer: Mothers, waitresses, lawyers, teachers but mostly part-time strippers kicking each other...hard!! It´s a scientifically proven fact that women kick hard!! (Photo of Einstein) Einstein see ya´, hate to be ya´! (Photo explodes, more slo mo footage of women fighting) Because the laws of physics do not apply when women kick women...hard!!

Hal Mendez: Ya´thought ya´saw kicking before you haven´t seen nothing until you seen women kicking women...hard!! And just when you´re tired of women kicking women, women will start punching each other...hard!! And keep punching each other until you´re ready for women to kick each other all over again!! It´s a non-stop female smorsgarboard of pain!

(Caption: "North Kicks South." Two women kickboxers are back to back posing)

Announcer: This week north kicks south when Buffalo´s Women Kickboxing Champion Leslie Ann Smith (looks to the camera) takes on Florida´s own Ann Manassas. (snarls at the camera) They´ll kick each other so hard that you´ll be glad you came to see them kick each other!

Hal Mendez: If you think it´s disturbing seeing women kicking women, wait until you hear it.

(More footage of women´s kickboxing)

Announcer: Women kickin´women...hard!! Only $24!! Parking included!!

(Leslie, Ann and Hal in the middle pose for the camera)

Hal Mendez: Women kicking and punching women...hard!! It´s real.

Announcer: Women´s kickboxing not considered a real sport.

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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