Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 3




96c: Bill Pullman / New Edition

AT&T Operators

Karen.....Bill Pullman
Janice.....Will Ferrell
Kelley.....Chris Kattan

INT. AT&T HEADQUARTERS Ė MORNING

[ The office section is filled with six female operators. All are wearing matching blazers, scarves, skirts, and headsets. In the foreground are JANICE and KELLEY; both seated side by side at a computer work station. ]

[ Janice and Kelley are engaged in cross-chatter. Both having grating voices. ]

Kelley: [ to headset ] I wouldnít recommend, but thanks for calling AT&T.

[ Both women look at each other and throw their hands up. ]

Kelley: [ to headset ] Thank you sir for using AT&T.

Janice: [ to headset ] No sir, still holdingÖ No sir, MCI doesnít offer a wide service like we doÖ Well, thank you for calling AT&T.

[ Janice clicks a switch on her headset. ]

Janice: I havenít gotten one all day.

Kelley: I tell you Janice, I have been on this headset for three whole hours and all I got is this man for a referral for a man in Wisconsin and heís not even home.

Janice: Well Kelley, I know youíve been on vacation for the last three weeks, so it takes time to get back in the swing of things.

Kelley: It just doesnít feel Iíve been on vacation. Oh! Iíve got a call! [ to headset ] Hi! This is Kelley with AT&T!

Janice: [ to headset ] Kelley?

Kelley: [ to headset ] Hi.

Janice: [ to headset ] Itís me!

Kelley: I canít believe you just did that!?

Janice: I just want to put you in a good mood.

Kelley: Thatís the craziest thing you ever did do!

Janice: Well, youíve got to keep your sense of humor when you work around here. Can I get you another cup of coffee?

Kelley: I donít want another cup of coffee! I could go for another Cheese Danish, though.

Janice: I think weíre all out, but let me go check with Karen in the back and see if we have anymore.

Kelley: Hey, hey, hey! Get me another toothpick while youíre at it. If it gets stuck on my teeth once, itís going to stick again.

Janice: I know where youíre coming from.

[ Janice gets up and does a ďsix-shooterĒ routine with her hands and makes gun fire mouth sounds to Kelley. Kelley turns around and responds the same. Janice walks to the hallway near the back. ]

Janice: COULD I GET A COUPLE OF CHEESE DANISHES AND A TOOTHPICK!!!

[ Janice goes back to her seat. ]

Kelley: I donít know why you have to yell!

Janice: Well, you have to yell if you want to get anything done around here.

Kelley: You got that right, killer. [ to headset ] Hi! This is Kelley with AT&T. This is a direct line, sir. The only reason you use this is for direct line services. Well, thank you very much for using AT&T!!

Janice: Kelley, Iíve been looking on my computer here and I havenít had an international referral in over three weeks.

Kelley: HereÖ I got two on my list.

Janice: What??

Kelley: I got one for Tokyo and one for South Korea. I canít believe it!?

Janice: Janie in Section 14 once got a call from Greece the other day, I just about fell on the floor.

Kelley: I tell you, Iím so excited! I think Iím about to pee my pants!! I donít think Iíll make it to the bathroom on time!

[ The ladies giggle and almost high-five but refrain. ]

Janice: [ to headset ] Hello? This is Janice with AT&T.

Kelley: Iím going to go check on the Danishes.

Janice: Okay.

[ Kelley gets up and does the same ďsix-shooterĒ routine to Janice, who follows suit. Kelley makes her way to the back hallway. ]

Kelley: WHY DO I GOT TO KEEP YELLING FOR A CHEESE DANISH!?!?!? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON BACK THERE, FOR GOD SAKES!?!?

[ Kelley back kicks the floor. ]

Janice: Would you stop yelling!? Iím trying to help somebody with their long-distance service. Why donít you get yourself another cup of coffee? [ to headset ] Sir, thatís forty percent off your --

Kelley: I donít want another cup of coffee. I want another Cheese Danish, Cheese Danish.

Janice: Well, youíre just going to have to be patient [ to headset ] No sir, Iím not talking to you. [ off headset ] Well, there you go. I just lost the best chance Iíll have all day because you keep yelling ďCheese Danish, Cheese Danish!!Ē

[ Kelley mocks Janiceís mouth movements. ]

Kelley: Yada, yada, yadaÖ Iím going to make one of my international calls. Iím going to call Tokyo. [ to headset ] Konichiwa! This is your friend overseas -- Kelley from AT&T. How are you doing today, sir? Hi, hi, hiya!

Janice: Iím going to go check on those Cheese Danishes.

[ Both woman faintly scream at each other as Janice gets up and heads to the rear hallway. ]

Janice: WHERE THE HELL ARE THE DAMN CHEESE DANISHES!?!?!?

Kelley: [ to headset ] Iím not yelling at you, sir. Why would I be mad at you, sir?

[ Kelley continues to speak in unintelligible Japanese as Janice returns to the desk. Kelley sighs and turns of her headset. ]

Kelley: Well, thank you very much. I just lost the call!

Janice: Iím just so damn hungry! I want the Cheese Danish!

Kelley: Well, thank you very much.

Janice: You donít understand, if my blood sugar drops, I turn into the devil!

Kelley: I keep telling you -- youíre going to wipe yourself outÖ wipe yourself out.

[ KAREN, wearing very similar clothing to Janice and Kelley, saunters in holding a tray of two Cheese Danishes. Her voice is far more intolerable than Janice or Kelley. ]

Karen: Are you the girls that wanted the Cheese Danishes?

Janice: Well, itís about time.

Karen: Well, Iím sorry you donít understandÖ

[ Karen places the tray before the ladies. ]

Karen: I have to serve Cheese Danishes to this entire office. And if Iím late, people start yelling, ďWhere are my Cheese Danishes!?Ē

[ Janice and Kelley cover their ears. ]

Karen: People donít understand thereís a lot of people here and Iím only one woman!!

[ Karen saunters to her exit backwards. Janice and Kelley uncover their ears. ]

Kelley: Sheís got the most irritating voice.

Janice: I know where youíre coming from.

Both: Hi! This is AT&T.

[ Camera zooms out as the house lights come on. The majority of the studio audience can be seen. The camera quickly pans to home base where Lenny Pickett and the ďSNLĒ band are performing. ]


Submitted by: Cody Downs


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