Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 3




96c: Bill Pullman / New Edition

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

.....Norm MacDonald
Harry Caray.....Will Ferrell

[Caption:Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald]

Announcer: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald.

[Wild cheers and applause]

Norm MacDonald: Hello, I'm Norm MacDonald and now the fake news.[Image of American flag. Caption: Decision 96]Our top story tonight,according to a new CNN poll Republican candidate Bob Dole now trails President Clinton by 15 points. A Dole campaign spokesman says that despite this numbers it is possible for them to reach their ultimate goal, to lose by 7 points.[Laughter]

[Image of President Clinton and woman on the beach]

While jogging on San Diego this weekend President Clinton was berated by tourist Valerie Parker who shouted at him quote "You're a draft-dodging, yellow-bellied liar, you're a disgrace to the office of the Presidency, to your gender and to this nation" and then added "I'm still gonna vote for you".[Laughter]

[Image of Robert Kardashian]

During a recent interview on 20/20 longtime O.J. Simpson friend Robert Kardashian said he now believes Simpson may be guilty though he did add that had he believed O.J. was guilty at the time he never would have agreed to hide his bloody clothes and knife.[Laughter]

[Image of book cover]

Well Jocelyn Elders new book "Jocelyn Elders M.D." came out this week. I read it.[Norm makes masturbation gestures with his fist][Laughter]

[Image of Jerry Hall and Mick Jagger]

This week London tabloids report that model Jerry Hall has filed for divorce from Mick Jagger ending a 20 year old relationship. Although I'm sure this is a difficult time for Mick you know, it must be kind of exciting after 20 years now he finally gets a chance to sleep with other women.[Laughter]

[Image of Bob Dole]

Meanwhile Bob Dole brought his struggling presidential campaign to New Jersey, vowing in his words to prove Yogi Berra was right when he said "It ain't over till it's over"[Image of Yogi Berra] Reached for comment Yogi Berra said "It's over".[Laughter]

Well, after a 15 year absence the New York Yankees are back in the World Series.[Cheers and applause]And some new yorkers have come up with a novel way of snagging those hard-to-come-by tickets, murdering guys with tickets and stealing them.[Laughter]

Well, as I said the 1996 World Series will begin tomorrow. Joining us tonight on Weekend Update with his analysis of each team is baseball legend and a dear, dear, dear friend of mine, please welcome hall of fame broadcaster, Harry Caray. Hi, Harry.

[Harry Caray joins Norm at the Update desk. He's trembling, old,wild white hair, thick eyeglasses]

Harry Caray: Hi. Hi, everybody! Harry Caray here! I got to tell you folks. Its gonna be one heck of a series. These are 2 fantastic ball clubs with outstanding pitching. You've got Andy Pettitte and David Cone for the Yankees and of course the Braves have 24 game winner John Smoltz and Tommy Glavine. He's always tough, Norm. These teams are so evenly matched. Let's start with the Yankees. They play in New York City. Wow! What a town! This place is crazy![Hoots and hollering]You people are nuts! I once saw an Armenian woman give birth to a baby in the subway. Beautiful, beautiful 8 pound 3 ounce boy named Tanzu. He's 11 now. We still keep in touch.

Norm MacDonald: OK, OK,well Harry what can you tell us about Atlanta?

Harry Caray: Oh, Atlanta is a beautiful city. Many consider it the jewel of the south. You know, its in Georgia.

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, that's true Harry but hey, let's go back to the Braves and the Yankees, buddy.

Harry Caray: Norm, actually I'd like to give a quick shout out to Gail and Ron Anderson. They run Anderson Hardware out in Waukegan, Illinois. They're actually here on vacation. They wanted me to say hi to their beautiful daughter Colleen who's watching the store. Hey, Colleen!

Norm MacDonald: OK, Harry listen buddy let's talk about the lineups for both teams, huh?

Harry Caray: Hey, Norm. What about hose hot dogs they serve in Yankee Stadium. Aren't they delicious?

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, sure, yeah.

Harry Caray: I love 'em so much I once ordered 12.

Norm MacDonald: 12 hot dogs?

Harry Caray: Yeah, I only ate 2. I don't know what I was thinking. To this day I laugh at the idea that I thought I could eat 12 hot dogs. You can't do it, Norm. You can't.

Norm MacDonald: No. I imagine not. Well, Harry I know you have to run but before you leave hey, let's get your prediction on who will win the World Series.

Harry Caray: Yankees in 6.[Wild cheers and screams]

Norm MacDonald: Wow! How about that?! That's great ,that's great! So that's your prediction, huh? Yankees in 6?

Harry Caray: Or the Braves, Norm. You never know. That's what makes baseball such a crazy game.

Norm MacDonald: OK, Harry Caray everybody. Harry Caray. Thank you for joining us, Harry.

Harry Caray: Thank you.

[Shakes hands with Norm]

[Cheers and applause]

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, glad to have you with us. Good you could drop by.

[Harry Caray leaves]

[Image of paper headline says "Kid-neglect hooker was under probe]

The New York Post reported last week that a prostitute charged with leaving her 4 youngest children alone in a roach infested Brooklyn apartment had been under investigation for years as a negligent mother. What's more apparently the woman was also a really lousy prostitute.[Laughter]

[Image of a camel]

Last week a buyer in Oman paid $390,000 for a camel. The highest price ever paid for a camel. Even in the middle east many are wondering why anyone would pay that much....[Norm looks over his shoulder to the camel]Good God, that's a sexy camel! That is a....take a look at this. I think is its eyes.

[Image of a paper headline that says Virginia]

In Virginia,[laughter from previous joke]police are looking for a stripper who stabbed a man for telling her she was too fat to strip. Police warn that the woman is armed and extremely fat.[Laughter]

[Image of paper headline says "Di's video 'romp' revealed as hoax"]

In England, a much publicized videotape of a naked Princess Diana having sex with her lover Captain James Hewitt has turned out to be a fake. But on the bright side its still a video of 2 naked people having sex.[Laughter]

In Brunswick Maine, an outbreak of the deadly canine parvo virus has led to the local Human Society killing many of its dogs. Gee, I wonder if the Humane Society would kill off victims of canine parvo if instead of dogs they were rich old white guys.

[Silence. APPLAUD NOW flashes on the bottom of the screen. Applause]

[Image of Madonna]

And finally Weekend Update would like to congratulate Madonna, who gave birth to a beautiful baby girl last Monday. The baby weighed in at 6 pounds 9 ounces. Making it the fourth largest object ever to pass through Madonna's birth canal.[Laughs and groans]Congratulations, Madonna! And that is it! Good night. Good News. Take care.

[Cheers and applause]

[Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald logo]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


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