96c: Bill Pullman / New Edition
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
Harry Caray.....Will Ferrell
[Caption:Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald]
Announcer: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald.
[Wild cheers and applause]
Norm MacDonald: Hello, I'm Norm MacDonald and now the
fake news.[Image of American flag. Caption: Decision
96]Our top story tonight,according to a new CNN poll
Republican candidate Bob Dole now trails President
Clinton by 15 points. A Dole campaign spokesman says
that despite this numbers it is possible for them to
reach their ultimate goal, to lose by 7 points.[Laughter]
[Image of President Clinton and woman on the beach]
While jogging on San Diego this weekend President
Clinton was berated by tourist Valerie Parker who
shouted at him quote "You're a draft-dodging,
yellow-bellied liar, you're a disgrace to the office
of the Presidency, to your gender and to this nation"
and then added "I'm still gonna vote for
[Image of Robert Kardashian]
During a recent interview on 20/20 longtime O.J.
Simpson friend Robert Kardashian said he now believes
Simpson may be guilty though he did add that had he
believed O.J. was guilty at the time he never would
have agreed to hide his bloody clothes and
[Image of book cover]
Well Jocelyn Elders new book "Jocelyn Elders M.D."
came out this week. I read it.[Norm makes masturbation
gestures with his fist][Laughter]
[Image of Jerry Hall and Mick Jagger]
This week London tabloids report that model Jerry Hall
has filed for divorce from Mick Jagger ending a 20
year old relationship. Although I'm sure this is a
difficult time for Mick you know, it must be kind of
exciting after 20 years now he finally gets a chance
to sleep with other women.[Laughter]
[Image of Bob Dole]
Meanwhile Bob Dole brought his struggling presidential
campaign to New Jersey, vowing in his words to prove
Yogi Berra was right when he said "It ain't over till
it's over"[Image of Yogi Berra] Reached for comment
Yogi Berra said "It's over".[Laughter]
Well, after a 15 year absence the New York Yankees are
back in the World Series.[Cheers and applause]And some
new yorkers have come up with a novel way of snagging
those hard-to-come-by tickets, murdering guys with
tickets and stealing them.[Laughter]
Well, as I said the 1996 World Series will begin
tomorrow. Joining us tonight on Weekend Update with
his analysis of each team is baseball legend and a
dear, dear, dear friend of mine, please welcome hall
of fame broadcaster, Harry Caray. Hi, Harry.
[Harry Caray joins Norm at the Update desk. He's
trembling, old,wild white hair, thick eyeglasses]
Harry Caray: Hi. Hi, everybody! Harry Caray here! I
got to tell you folks. Its gonna be one heck of a
series. These are 2 fantastic ball clubs with
outstanding pitching. You've got Andy Pettitte and
David Cone for the Yankees and of course the Braves
have 24 game winner John Smoltz and Tommy Glavine.
He's always tough, Norm. These teams are so evenly
matched. Let's start with the Yankees. They play in
New York City. Wow! What a town! This place is
crazy![Hoots and hollering]You people are nuts! I once
saw an Armenian woman give birth to a baby in the
subway. Beautiful, beautiful 8 pound 3 ounce boy named
Tanzu. He's 11 now. We still keep in touch.
Norm MacDonald: OK, OK,well Harry what can you tell us
Harry Caray: Oh, Atlanta is a beautiful city. Many
consider it the jewel of the south. You know, its in
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, that's true Harry but hey, let's
go back to the Braves and the Yankees, buddy.
Harry Caray: Norm, actually I'd like to give a quick
shout out to Gail and Ron Anderson. They run Anderson
Hardware out in Waukegan, Illinois. They're actually
here on vacation. They wanted me to say hi to their
beautiful daughter Colleen who's watching the store.
Norm MacDonald: OK, Harry listen buddy let's talk
about the lineups for both teams, huh?
Harry Caray: Hey, Norm. What about hose hot dogs they
serve in Yankee Stadium. Aren't they delicious?
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, sure, yeah.
Harry Caray: I love 'em so much I once ordered 12.
Norm MacDonald: 12 hot dogs?
Harry Caray: Yeah, I only ate 2. I don't know what I
was thinking. To this day I laugh at the idea that I
thought I could eat 12 hot dogs. You can't do it,
Norm. You can't.
Norm MacDonald: No. I imagine not. Well, Harry I know
you have to run but before you leave hey, let's get
your prediction on who will win the World Series.
Harry Caray: Yankees in 6.[Wild cheers and screams]
Norm MacDonald: Wow! How about that?! That's great
,that's great! So that's your prediction, huh? Yankees
Harry Caray: Or the Braves, Norm. You never know.
That's what makes baseball such a crazy game.
Norm MacDonald: OK, Harry Caray everybody. Harry
Caray. Thank you for joining us, Harry.
Harry Caray: Thank you.
[Shakes hands with Norm]
[Cheers and applause]
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, glad to have you with us. Good
you could drop by.
[Harry Caray leaves]
[Image of paper headline says "Kid-neglect hooker was
The New York Post reported last week that a prostitute
charged with leaving her 4 youngest children alone in
a roach infested Brooklyn apartment had been under
investigation for years as a negligent mother. What's
more apparently the woman was also a really lousy
[Image of a camel]
Last week a buyer in Oman paid $390,000 for a camel.
The highest price ever paid for a camel. Even in the
middle east many are wondering why anyone would pay
that much....[Norm looks over his shoulder to the
camel]Good God, that's a sexy camel! That is a....take
a look at this. I think is its eyes.
[Image of a paper headline that says Virginia]
In Virginia,[laughter from previous joke]police are
looking for a stripper who stabbed a man for telling
her she was too fat to strip. Police warn that the
woman is armed and extremely fat.[Laughter]
[Image of paper headline says "Di's video 'romp'
revealed as hoax"]
In England, a much publicized videotape of a naked
Princess Diana having sex with her lover Captain James
Hewitt has turned out to be a fake. But on the bright
side its still a video of 2 naked people having
In Brunswick Maine, an outbreak of the deadly canine
parvo virus has led to the local Human Society killing
many of its dogs. Gee, I wonder if the Humane Society
would kill off victims of canine parvo if instead of
dogs they were rich old white guys.
[Silence. APPLAUD NOW flashes on the bottom of the
[Image of Madonna]
And finally Weekend Update would like to congratulate
Madonna, who gave birth to a beautiful baby girl last
Monday. The baby weighed in at 6 pounds 9 ounces.
Making it the fourth largest object ever to pass
through Madonna's birth canal.[Laughs and
groans]Congratulations, Madonna! And that is it! Good
night. Good News. Take care.
[Cheers and applause]
[Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald logo]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel