Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 4





96d: Dana Carvey / Dr. Dre

Russell & Tate Law Firm

Russell.....Tim Meadows
Tate.....Tracy Morgan
Testimonial #1.....Jim Breuer
Husband.....Will Ferrell
Wife.....Ana Gasteyer
Testimonial #2.....Molly Shannon
Testimonial #3.....Mark McKinney

Announcer: If you've been injured on the job, or you are the victim of an accident, you may be entitled to a sizable cash settlement. No one knows this better than Russell and Tate.

Testimonial #1: Russell & Tate got me $27,000. And a new lease on life.

Russell: We're gonna git yo' money.

Tate: Damn straight!

Russell: You can bet your sweet ass we'll git it!

Tate: No bull.

[ cut to Husband & Wife in their kitchen ]

Husband: We wer very concerned after the accident.

Wife: We didn't know who to turn to, so we called Russell & Tate.

Husband: We got a lot of money. $150,000.

[ cut back to Russell & Tate ]

Tate: It's like this: if somebody has your money, we're gonna git it.

Russell: Thay can't have your money!

Tate: That's right. Unless they want a piece of Russell & Tate!

Russell: Oh, yeah!

[ Russell & Tate laugh, and clap their fists together ]

Testimonial #2: I called Russell & Tate, and told them I wanted money.

[ cut back to Russell & Tate ]

Russell: Your money is not their money!

Tate: No, it ain't! You gotta get your money! They ain't supposed to have it! So, we gonna git it, or I don't know what.

Russell: Well, I do! [ they laugh ] Yeah, we gonna git it! You gotta understand - Tate, here, is one very mean brother with a degree from Harvard Law, and he will go crazy academic on your ass if you try to mess with somebody's money!

Tate: Let me rap to them for a minute, Russell. Listen, y'all - you ain't even seen the inside of Hell until Russell comes busting down on you with his big-ass experience as a former editor of the American Law Review!

[ cut to Testimonial #3 ]

Testimonial #3: When I first saw Russell & Tate, I knew that these guys would get me money. I mean, Russell Johnson was my law professor at Harvard, and Tate Witherspoon has argued hundreds of successful Supreme Court cases. Bottom line? They get you your money.

[ cut back to Russell & Tate ]

Tate: $200.. $300.. $2,000, it don't matter, we gonna git it!

Russell: That's right! $8,000.. $17,000.. $400,000, I don't care - we gonna git it all! I wasn't an expert witness in the Microsoft Anti-Trust Case, and a president of the New York Bar for six years so I could sit up on my ass and not get your money!

Tate: That's right, Russell! And I didn't bust my hump doing a federal judgeship, and all those appointments at the Congressional Committee so some bitch could steal your knot!

Russell: No diggity!

Tate: You know what I'm saying!

Russell: Oh, yeah, we gonna git your money!

Tate: Straight up!

Russell: Damn!

Tate: Damn!

Announcer: Russell & Tate. Attorneys At Law.


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