Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 5




96e: Chris Rock / The Wallflowers

The Dark Side with Nat X

Nat X.....Chris Rock
Jesse Jackson.....Darrell Hammond
Tori Spelling.....Cheri Oteri
Mike Tyson.....Tracy Morgan

Announcer: Live, from Compton, California, BET TV - that's Black Entertainment Television - presents "The Dark Side with Nat X". The only show on TV strictly for the brothers, written by a brother, produced by a brother, that’s not a Wayans brother. Now, get ready for a man who's so black, they counted him four times in the million man march. 'Cause here comes Nat!

Nat X: Peace, brothers and sisters. I'm Nat X, and welcome to "The Dark Side", the only 15-minute show on TV. Why only 15 minutes? ‘Cause if the man gave me any more, he would consider that welfare. And I think we all know who the man is. I’m talkin’ about the man who said Sinbad makes bad movies, but then gave Greg Kinnear a three-picture deal. I’m talkin’ about the same man who invented white-out. A tricky substance that only eliminates black letters.

So what’s going on in the news today? Same thing every day: O.J. Black people too happy, white people too mad. I haven’t seen that many mad white people since they cancelled M.A.S.H. Everybody “Hey look at all them black people too happy talkin’ about “Look what we won! We won, we won!” Hey - what we won? I ain’t get nothin’ yet! Every day Nat X look in his mailbox – nothin’ in there. Where my O.J. prize? O.K.? Everybody talkin’ about its about race, it’s about race. That’s a bunch of crap. It’s about fame. ‘Cause if O.J. wasn’t famous he’d be in jail right now. That’s right -- If O.J. drove a bus he wouldn’t even be O.J. He’d be Orenthal the bus driving murder.
[ The White-Man Cam suddenly comes on, zooming in for a close-up of Nat, and placing the image of jailbars in front of him ]
OH! OH! Somebody call Johnny Cochran! Call Johnny Cochran!
[ White-Man Cam cameraman walks away ]
Whooooo! I haven’t had that much fun since I let Rick James braid my hair. Alright, alright. Time for the top 5. Why only 5? ‘Cause the man wants to deprive me of 10.

Tonight – the Top 5 reasons not to see Whoppi Goldberg’s new movie “The Associate”: Reason number 5: “Jumpin’ Jack Flash”. Reason number 4: “Burglar”. Reason number 3: “Sister Act 2”. Reason number 2: “Eddie”. And the number one reason not see Whoopi Goldberg’s new movie: Whoopi’s in it!

And that’s the top 5 for tonight. Let me hurry up with the show before the man replaces me with a Dion Warwick infomercial. My first guest tonight is one of the leaders of the Democratic Party. Please welcome the Reverend Jesse Jackson. [Jesse Jackson enters to Rick Springfield’s “Jesse’s Girl] Sit your Rainbow Coalition ass down. [Jackson sits] Now Jesse, Jesse, Jesse: 8 years ago you was almost President. Almost President! Now the last time I saw ya, you’re playing a crackhead on New York Undercover. What the hell happened?

Jesse Jackson: Who can answer such a speculative question? That’s nearly becoming the position of the day. I only know that your last name...your last name X, is a symbol, of which all African Americans from old Mississippi preachers to the Yankee Stadium bleachers. From the topper down, not the bottom up. Gibbety gibbety. Rat-a-tat-tat. I’m talkin’ about X. X as in great civil rights leader Malcom X. X as in 5-star Las Vegas hotel, Excalibur. X as in X-files, or the show Extra!, which is better than Inside Edition. X as in the movie Exorcist 3. X as in the band X, and not the Brand X. The X man, NightCrawler and Colossus. X as in I’ll..take..Charlie..Weaver...to block!

Nat X: Are you out your mind Jessie? How about X as in excruciating to listen to. How about X as excuse yourself and exit off my show or I’m a put my foot in your X’in behind! My next guest just starred in a TV movie of the week. Please welcome Tori Spelling. [Tori Spelling enters to the theme from Beverly Hills 90210] Sit your rich, white ass down. [Spelling sits]

Tori Spelling: Hi Nat! It’s good to be here, how are you?

Nat X: Look, don’t come here a kissin’ my behind. The only reason you’re here is ‘cause your daddy paid me, O.K.? Now I saw your movie of the week.

Tori Spelling: Oh thanks, did you like it?

Nat X: Did I like it? Let me put it this way: I’ve seen better actin in a [bleepin] whorehouse! Alright? I’ve seen better actin’ in tough actin’ Tinactin.

Tori Spelling: Well well, so what’s with your Afro? You look, you look like Dwayne from “What’s Happening!!”!

Nat X: Don’t you talk about Hayward Nelson. All right Cracker Girl, I’ll tell you what’s happenin’. Hey - this ain’t Beverly Hills 9021-HO! You’re gonna shut up. Get - Scoot over! [Spelling moves over 1 seat] Yeah. Now my next guest is the heavyweight champion of the world, please welcome Iron Mike Tyson. [Mike Tyson enters] Sit your convicted felon ass down. [Tyson sits]

Mike Tyson: [High-pitched voice] [Unintelligible]…Nat, it’s an honor to make your acquaintance.

Nat X: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just got one thing to say: keep your hands off the white girl. You’re gonna get us all killed in here. Now Mike uh… I understand you’re fightin’ Evander Holyfield next week. Any predictions?

Mike Tyson: Actually Nat, I’ve been doing a considerable amount of self-reflection…in an attempt to achieve inner peace for myself. You know what I’m sayin’. You know what I mean? Any individual I fight will be in for a considerable amount of cranium damage. You know what I’m sayin’. You know what I mean?

Nat X: Mike, nobody knows what the hell you’re saying!

Mike Tyson: Don’t make me unleash a pummeling on you Nat.

Nat X: Oh, you gonna hit me? Hey I ain’t no Mitch Blood Green now. Hey - I’ll beat your ass so bad you’ll be the only guy in heaven with a wheelchair. All right we got to go right now, but tune in next week when my guest will be Gene Gene the Dancing Machine! from the Gong Show. Peace! Take care.

Announcer: Guests of the Dark Side stay at Riker’s Island.

[ fade out ]


Submitted by: Diamond Jim


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