Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 22: Episode 5

96e: Chris Rock / The Wallflowers

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

.....Norm MacDonald

Announcer: Weekend Update with Norm Macdonald.

[Wild cheers and applause]

[Norm is surprised at the crowd's reaction]

Norm Macdonald: What a crowd. Oh, my Lord! Thank you. I'm Norm Macdonald. Now the fake news. Our top story tonight:

[Image of Bill Clinton and Bob Dole Caption:Decision 96] yesterday in a dramatic finish to his White House bid Bob Dole began a 96 hour, 15 state, non-stop campaign tour that will take him right through Election day. Political experts are calling the grueling marathon a quote:" last ditch effort". While medical experts are calling it quote:"a suicide attempt".

[image of Bob Dole] At a rally in California this week, Dole urged voters to ignore polls which have him trailing President Clinton by double digits. In addition, Dole asked to ignore newspapers headlines next Wednesday that say "Dole loses in a landslide".

[image of Asian man] Meanwhile a new development in the case of John Wuang, the mysterious Indonesian acussed of illegally raising millions for the Democratic Party. Earlier this week, Secret Service logs show that Mr. Wuang had visited Clinton's White House more than 60 times. But on Friday, an administration spokesman revealed that there are actually two John Wuangs. Furthermore, they stressed that the John Wuang who visited the White House is a different man. He isn't the fundraiser. He is the guy that killed Vince Foster.

[uneasy laughter]

[image of Mayor Giuliani waving with the Yankees in a parade] Well, the New York Yankees are the 1996 World Series Champs [wild cheering] and this week 3 million Yankee fans gather on the streets of New York to honor their heroes. While their fans were of different ages, races and religions they shared one thing in common. They were all standing in urine.

A giant ticket tape parade left nearly 4 tons of confetti on Manhattan streets and sidewalks but New York officials do have a plan for dealing with the confetti. Leaving it there to soak up all the urine. [image of fat dude]

At an emotional press conference this week a now exonerated Richard Jewell spoke of his ordeal as the chief suspect in the Olympic Park bombing. Quote:"I couldn't think straight, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat" he said. Then later he admitted "All right, I could eat. I couldn't sleep though, I had trouble..."

[Caption: Business News] In business news, a British company has announced its intention to purchase telecommunications giant MCI. This after MCI called the British company owner at home 5,000 times.

Ballots will be mailed out next week in the election for President of the teamster's union. With incumbent John Kerry squaring off against Jimmy Hoffa Jr. Hoffa is eager in following his father's footsteps except that last footstep where he dissapeared forever.[Norm explains] That's the last footstep he wants to avoid, just that last one. Otherwise he will....ok.

[image of JFK jr and Caroline Besset] Now that John Kennedy Jr. is a married man, who is the world's most eligible bachelor? Well, when reporters asked JFK jr. himself who he thinks is the world's most eligible bachelor he said: "Actually,[whisper]it's still me".

[image of Disneyland] A French goverment survey finds that Disneyland Paris is the most popular tourist attraction in the country. And the most popular ride? "Women who don't shave their armpits of the Carri-be-an". There's 2 ways--there's 2 ways to pronounce that and I got neither.

[image of O.J. Simpson] At the Simpson civil trial this week, O.J. and Fred Goldman got into an explosive shouting match. Mr. Goldman belted at O.J. "Don't give me that damn look". While O.J. shouted back: "I wasn't even looking at you. You're just mad cause I killed your son".

[image of elderly reporter Mike Wallace] In the December issue of Playboy 60 Minutes reporter Mike Wallace revealed that he has not only smoked marijuana but that it made him sexually aroused. According to Wallace he made this comments in an effort to frighten young people off of sex and drugs forever.

[image of paper headline "Dole: I'm strong enough to handle the pain of losing".] In an interview this week, Bob Dole said he is strong enough to endure the pain of losing the Presidential Election. Although he did admit that the shock of winning will give him a giant heart attack.

In Detroit under a new prison rehabilitation program called "Fresh Start", employers will get a tax break if they hire and ex-convict. Employers who hire more than one ex-convict will get robbed and killed.

[image of Economic Report charts] In economic news, unemployment figures rose slightly for the month of October with decline in the Dow Jones and Nasdaq. The reason for the sudden downturn? You guessed it. Frank Stallone. [photo of Frank Stallone]

[Newspaper headline: Kurt Freund dies at 82. Studied Deviant Sexual Arousal] Fianlly, psychiatrist Kurt Freund, one of the world's leading experts on the study of deviant sexual arousal passed away at the age of 82. Dr. Freund last words were quote: "Whatever happens to me, can someone please make sure that the headline of my obituary doesn't contain the phrase Deviant Sexual Arousal? [Norm keeps milking the joke] Would that be to much to ask from ya'? Ya' dirty bastards. Can you just.... ok. And that's it. Hey, vote for Bob Dole. Thanks folks. Good night.

[WU logo]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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