96e: Chris Rock / The Wallflowers
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
Announcer: Weekend Update with Norm Macdonald.
[Wild cheers and applause]
[Norm is surprised at the crowd's reaction]
Norm Macdonald: What a crowd. Oh, my Lord! Thank you.
I'm Norm Macdonald. Now the fake news. Our top story
[Image of Bill Clinton and Bob Dole
Caption:Decision 96] yesterday in a dramatic finish to
his White House bid Bob Dole began a 96 hour, 15
state, non-stop campaign tour that will take him right
through Election day. Political experts are calling
the grueling marathon a quote:" last ditch effort".
While medical experts are calling it quote:"a suicide
[image of Bob Dole] At a rally in California this week, Dole urged voters
to ignore polls which have him trailing President
Clinton by double digits. In addition, Dole asked to
ignore newspapers headlines next Wednesday that say
"Dole loses in a landslide".
[image of Asian man] Meanwhile a new development in the case of John Wuang,
the mysterious Indonesian acussed of illegally raising
millions for the Democratic Party. Earlier this week,
Secret Service logs show that Mr. Wuang had visited
Clinton's White House more than 60 times. But on
Friday, an administration spokesman revealed that
there are actually two John Wuangs. Furthermore, they
stressed that the John Wuang who visited the White
House is a different man. He isn't the fundraiser. He
is the guy that killed Vince Foster.
[image of Mayor Giuliani waving with the Yankees in a
parade] Well, the New York Yankees are the 1996 World Series
Champs [wild cheering] and this week 3 million Yankee
fans gather on the streets of New York to honor their
heroes. While their fans were of different ages, races
and religions they shared one thing in common. They
were all standing in urine.
A giant ticket tape parade left nearly 4 tons of
confetti on Manhattan streets and sidewalks but New
York officials do have a plan for dealing with the
confetti. Leaving it there to soak up all the urine. [image of fat dude]
At an emotional press conference this week a now
exonerated Richard Jewell spoke of his ordeal as the
chief suspect in the Olympic Park bombing. Quote:"I
couldn't think straight, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't
eat" he said. Then later he admitted "All right, I
could eat. I couldn't sleep though, I had trouble..."
[Caption: Business News] In business news, a British company has announced its
intention to purchase telecommunications giant MCI.
This after MCI called the British company owner at
home 5,000 times.
Ballots will be mailed out next week in the election
for President of the teamster's union. With incumbent
John Kerry squaring off against Jimmy Hoffa Jr. Hoffa
is eager in following his father's footsteps except
that last footstep where he dissapeared forever.[Norm
explains] That's the last footstep he wants to avoid,
just that last one. Otherwise he will....ok.
[image of JFK jr and Caroline Besset] Now that John Kennedy Jr. is a married man, who is the
world's most eligible bachelor? Well, when reporters
asked JFK jr. himself who he thinks is the world's
most eligible bachelor he said:
"Actually,[whisper]it's still me".
[image of Disneyland] A French goverment survey finds that Disneyland Paris
is the most popular tourist attraction in the country.
And the most popular ride? "Women who don't shave
their armpits of the Carri-be-an". There's 2
ways--there's 2 ways to pronounce that and I got
[image of O.J. Simpson] At the Simpson civil trial this week, O.J. and Fred
Goldman got into an explosive shouting match. Mr.
Goldman belted at O.J. "Don't give me that damn look".
While O.J. shouted back: "I wasn't even looking at
you. You're just mad cause I killed your son".
[image of elderly reporter Mike Wallace] In the December issue of Playboy 60 Minutes reporter
Mike Wallace revealed that he has not only smoked
marijuana but that it made him sexually aroused.
According to Wallace he made this comments in an
effort to frighten young people off of sex and drugs
[image of paper headline "Dole: I'm strong enough to
handle the pain of losing".] In an interview this week, Bob Dole said he is strong
enough to endure the pain of losing the Presidential
Election. Although he did admit that the shock of
winning will give him a giant heart attack.
In Detroit under a new prison rehabilitation program
called "Fresh Start", employers will get a tax break
if they hire and ex-convict. Employers who hire more
than one ex-convict will get robbed and killed.
[image of Economic Report charts] In economic news, unemployment figures rose slightly
for the month of October with decline in the Dow Jones
and Nasdaq. The reason for the sudden downturn? You
guessed it. Frank Stallone. [photo of Frank Stallone]
[Newspaper headline: Kurt Freund dies at 82. Studied
Deviant Sexual Arousal] Fianlly, psychiatrist Kurt Freund, one of the world's
leading experts on the study of deviant sexual arousal
passed away at the age of 82. Dr. Freund last words
were quote: "Whatever happens to me, can someone
please make sure that the headline of my obituary
doesn't contain the phrase Deviant Sexual Arousal?
[Norm keeps milking the joke] Would that be to much to
ask from ya'? Ya' dirty bastards. Can you just.... ok.
And that's it. Hey, vote for Bob Dole. Thanks folks.
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel