Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6





96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

A Message From the President of the United States

President Bill Clinton.....Darrell Hammond

Announcer: And now, a message from the President of the United States.

President Bill Clinton: America.. I come before you tonight to thank you for re-electing me. I know half of you didn't vote. But of the half of you that did.. almost half voted for me. And I appreciate that overwhelming show of support. 49% of the less than 50% of you who voted said Yes to Bill Clinton! [ chuckles ] That kind of ground swell tells me I'm on the right track! Less than half of the less than half of the people who voted.. stood up and demanded.. four.. more.. years. That means 1 ot of every 4 of you are.. helping me build that bridge into the next century. And I than every fourth one of you for your unanimous support!

But, actually, when you think about it.. it's not really every 1 out of 4 Americans. because there's, you know, another 30% of you out there who aren't old enough to vote! [ laughs ] But, still.. I am thri-illed by the hu-u-uge support I was given by the half of the half of the remaining 70% of you! Because that is still a whopping 17% of you who enthusiastically supported Bill Clinton! And that is.. [ getting emotional ] ..just really beautiful.. [ chuckles ]

And sure, to be honest, Arkansas shouldn't really count, because that's my home state, and you have to subttract me and Hillary.. I mean, because, obviously, we voted for me.. And, of course, you should take out anyone who depends on my administration for a job. But, still.. that makes 12% of the population who actively wanted me to be re-elected! Truly, that is a mandate from the people!

Then again.. you really can't count women, because who are they gonna vote for? Bob Dole? [ laughs ] Yeah! That's just silly! Anyway, that cuts the number in half, making it 6%. And then after taking into account people who are incarcerated, the number drops to 4% - an overwhelming 4% of you standing proud and saying "Bill Clinton, we want you back!"

Then.. subtracting voter error, voter fraud, mechanical error, people who are abroad, people who are hospitalized or unconcious while the polls were open, and our brave men and women in space.. that makes the total number of people who honestly and actively wanted me to be President of the United States.. onw guy - Steve Bilson.

[ show image of the loserly Steve Bilson ]

Steve, I-I appreciate your support.. and I'm gonna send you this hite House ashtray as a token of my gratitude! [ laughs as he holds up the ashtray ] I mean, it doesn't say "White House" on it, but trust me.. it's from the White House! So, once again, America - I mean, Steve - thank you. And God bless you all!

[ dissolve to Presidential Seal ]

Announcer: This has been a message from the President of the United States.


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