Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6








96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

The Cobras

Dan.....Darrell Hammond
Rob.....Robert Downey, Jr.
Gangleader.....Norm MacDonald
Johnny.....Chris Kattan
Big Jake.....Will Ferrell
Colin.....Colin Quinn
Mark.....Mark McKinney
Little Joe.....Cheri Oteri
Panthers Leader.....Tim Meadows

Dan: You cheated!

Rob: I did not!

Dan: Yes, you did!

Gangleader: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, knock it off! You're both Cobras.

Dan: Yeah, we're both Cobras. [ holds out hand for a shake ]

Rob: Yeah, we gotta stick together. [ stands up and sings ]

"You're a Cobra, boy.
And don't you forget it.
'Cause when you're in trouble,
You won't have to sweat it.
You're a Cobra, boy!"


[ sits back down ] Alright.. so, let's see..

Gangleader: What the hell was that?

Rob: What was what?

Gangleader: You just sang.

Rob: Oh yeah, I did, didn't I.

Johnny: Guys, the heat's on.

Gangleader: What's up, Johnny?

Johnny: The Panthers. They got Rocko, they messed him up real bad.

Gangleader: That's it. We Cobras are gonna fight back. We're gonna hit 'em with all we got.

Rob: [ jumps up and sings again ]

"We're gonna hit 'em with all we got.
And as Cobras, we got a lot."


Big Jake: [ sings also ]
"We're fast and we're strong we're tough.
We'll teach them the meaning of rough."


Big Jake and Rob: [ singing ]
"'Cause we're the Cobras,
So you'd better look ou-ou-ou-ou-out!"


[ Gangleader looks at them inquisitively ]

Big Jake and Rob: What?

Gangleader: How do you come up with a song so fast?

Rob: I dunno, it just.. it just came to me.

Gangleader: It just came to you? What are you talking about? It was perfect! It looked like you rehearsed it!

Rob: Oh.. thank you!

Gangleader: Okay, here's what we're going to do. You go over there..

Big Jake: Hey hey hey! Did you really like it?

Gangleader: What?

Big Jake: The song.

Gangleader: "Did I really like it?" Yeah, yeah, I liked it. Hey, I like another song, too, you know? You know this one - it's called "While You Were Singing, I Got Stabbed In The Head By A Puerto Rican."

Big Jake: Do you know that one?

Rob: No..

Gangleader: Oh, shut up. Look, here's the plan. Get over here, guys. Now, the Panthers hang around at the corner of 32nd and Main. They're pretty juiced by midnight, and that's when we strike. That's when we strike..

All but Gangleader: [ singing and dancing ]
"That's when we strike
We're gonna hit 'em at night!"


Big Jake: "Oooooohhh!"

All but Gangleader: [ singing ]
"When the Cobras are gone, there won't be a one left standing!"

Big Jake: "Oooooohhh!"

All but Gangleader:
So look out, Panthers! 'Cause we're the Cobras!

[ Gang starts doing "Cobra" hand motions ]

Gangleader: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell is this? [ imitates "Cobra" hand motion ] What are you doing?

Colin: We're being Cobras.

Gangleader: Ah, that's it! What is up with you guys?

Mark: What? He started singing, then he started singing, then he started singing, so I started singing. It happens.

Gangleader: No, it does not happen. This was clearly choreographed.

Dan: No. He was dancin', and I saw what his legs were doin', so I kinda copied it, like this..

[ All but Gangleader do ballet moves ]

Little Joe: Guys, guys..!

Gangleader: Don't ask.

Little Joe: The Panthers! The Panthers are comin' to get ya'! I saw them down the street!

Gangleader: Okay, now listen up! Here's the plan. We're going to ambush the Panthers, and here's how we're gonna do it. Johnny, go over there! Big Jake, you get over here! You two, stay behind me!

Little Joe: Ooh, what can I do?

Gangleader: What should you do? Beat it!

[ Little Joe spits, and runs away ]

Panthers Leader: [ enters, followed by his boys ] Well well well, what do we have here? Looks like a little Cobra out on his own! Hey, you don't look so tough without your boys! Panthers, it's time to stomp some Cobra!

Gangleader: Oh, yeah? Johnny!

[ Enters doing ballet moves ]

Gangleader: Oh no, that's not good.. Okay.. Big Jake!

[ Also enters doing ballet moves ]

Gangleader: Oh God, this isn't working out!

[ Everyone else but Gangleader starts snapping ]

Gangleader: Oh no..

[ Group starts doing "Cobra" hand motions ]

Gangleader: What the hell are you doing?

Colin: We're being Cobras!

Panthers Leader: What are you doin'? You call that being a Cobra? Boys, show them what it means to be a Panther!

Panthers: Panthers! Meow!

Cobras: Cobras! Hissss!

Panthers: Panthers! Meow!

Cobras: Cobras! Hissss!

Panthers: Panthers! Meow!

Cobras: Cobras! Hissss!

Panthers: Panthers! Meow!

Gangleader: Oh forget it.. [ exits scene quietly ]

[ Panthers and Cobras start dancing together ]

Cobras: Cobras! Hissss!

Panthers: Panthers! Meow!


Submitted by: Michael Cauley


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