Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Norm Meets Bob Dole

.....Lorne Michaels
.....Norm MacDonald
.....Bob Dole

[ Lorne Michaels barges into Norm MacDonald's dressing room ]

Lorne Michaels: I see you're still wearing the Bob Dole suit and the wig.

Norm MacDonald: Oh, yeah. I was.. you know..

Lorne Michaels: Look, Norm, we all understand how badly you wanted to play President Dole for the next four years. But he didn't win. You've got to move on.

Norm MacDonald: [ speaking in his Bob Dole voice ] I am moving on! Norm MacDonald is moving on!

Lorne Michaels: Norm, I really want you to see someone.

Norm MacDonald: Oh, you mean, like a shrink, again?

Lorne Michaels: Not exactly. [ calling into the hall ] Senator?

[ Former Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole enters the dressing room ]

Bob Dole: Hi, Norm. Hi, Lorne.

Lorne Michaels: If you two kids need me, I'll be down the hall.

Bob Dole: Okay, we'll be right here.

[ Lorne exits the dressing room ]

Norm MacDonald: Well, how are you, Senator?

Bob Dole: [ laughing ] Norm, Bob Dole knows how much it meant for you play me on the show the next four years. And Bob Dole feels your pain.

Norm MacDonald: Well, you know, it hasn't been easy. But, you know what it's like, you just lost that Presidential election.

Bob Dole: Oh, now don't worry about me, I've got something lined up.

Norm MacDonald: Oh, really?

Bob Dole: Oh, really. I've got a job answering phones down at the Red Cross. My wife pulled some strings.

Norm MacDonald: Wow, that's great.

Bob Dole: Well, it's not brain surgery, you know? [ demonstrating ] "Hello, Red Cross. How may Bob Dole direct your call?"

Norm MacDonald: Well, it sounds like a lot of fun.

Bob Dole: Well, it keeps me out of trouble. You know, trouble like running for president.

Norm MacDonald: Oh, really? So there's no chance of you running for president again?

Bob Dole: No, I don't think so.

Norm MacDonald: Oh, really? Because you know, it would be good for me. Kind of help keep you on the front pages, you know?

Bob Dole: Well, believe me, Norm, running for president doesn't always keep you on the front pages, unless you, of course, take a dive off of a podium.

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, that did get a lot of coverage, didn't it?

Bob Dole: Yeah, and thanks for noticing, here on "Saturday Night Live". I appreciate it

Norm MacDonald: I don't write a lot of this stuff!

Bob Dole: I don't, either.

Norm MacDonald: But, you know, it's kind of frustrating for me. I've got this great Bob Dole impression, but I've got nowhere to use it.

Bob Dole: Well, if it's any consolation to you, Norm, the impression isn't that great.

Norm MacDonald: I see since you've gotten into civilian life, you don't pull any punches there, do you? Really? You don't like my impression?

Bob Dole: No. You're really doing an impression of Dan Aykroyd when he does an impression of me. You know it, I know it, and the American people know it.

Norm MacDonald: Aw, come on now, Senator, it's a great impression. Listen to this: [ speaking in his Bob Dole voice ] "Come November 5th, a lot of people are going to be surprised by Bob Dole, because Bob Dole's gonna win this election!"

Bob Dole: [ shaking head ] Doesn't sound a thing like me. First of all, I don't run around saying "Bob Dole does this" nd "Bob Dole does that." That's not something Bob Dole does. It's not something Bob Dole has ever done, and it's not something Bob Dole will ever do!

Norm MacDonald: Well, okay.. how about this? Listen to this: [ speaking in his Bob Dole voice ] "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night..!"

Bob Dole: [ interrupting ] No, no. You're still not getting it. Now, listen carefully: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

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