Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

The Streets of L.A.

1st Cop ... Norm MacDonald
2nd Cop ... Robert Downey, Jr.

Announcer: The Streets of L.A. Tonight's episode: "Tea for the Tillerman."

[After a hokey opening montage parodying such 1970s cop shows as "Starsky and Hutch" we dissolve to the interior of an apartment. A bullet shoots through the lock on the door. Two plainclothes cops, with shaggy hair and shirts with wide lapels, bust into the room, guns drawn.]

1st Cop: Put your hands up!

2nd Cop: Somebody's gonna get booked!

1st Cop: It's Book-of-the-Month Club time!

[But the room is empty, the suspect having fled out an open window.]

2nd Cop: He got away.

1st Cop: Well, I think he'll be back.

2nd Cop: And why's that?

1st Cop: He forgot something.

2nd Cop: Well, what is it?

1st Cop: Smack. [holds up a plastic bag] Man, can you imagine someone so messed up they need this crap to get through the day?

2nd Cop: No, I can't. [takes the bag] People who play with this junk make me sick. They're the scum of the earth.

1st Cop: Yeah, they sure are.

2nd Cop: Anyone who would use this drug should be rounded up and caged like an animal. It's trash like this that's ruining this country.

1st Cop: Well, let's get back to the station.

2nd Cop: I'm not done yet. If I could lock up every junkie in this great country of ours, I'd be the happiest man on earth. Drug users are bad. Period. Don't ever be sympathetic to them.

1st Cop: Okay, well, I won't be.

2nd Cop: Even if they do put themselves into rehab and are honestly committed to quitting, you still shouldn't forgive them. And don't buy into that "I-can't-help-it-it's-a-sickness" crap. Drugs are always wrong. They are the worst thing on the face of the earth.

1st Cop: Hey, go easy, Wade. This kid probably had a rough break in life. He comes from a poor neighborhood.

2nd Cop: No, I betcha he was a rich kid, had everything handed to him. You know what? It doesn't matter if the user is a plumber, a lawyer, or a hot shot actor who's been nominated for an Academy Award for playing Charlie Chaplin.

1st Cop: What the hell are you talking about, Wade? We never busted nobody like that.

2nd Cop: Well, we should have. 'Cause in my book, if you do drugs, you go to jail, and you stay there. You don't go to a cushy rehab center and take a week off to fly to New York and host a comedy show.

1st Cop: Hey, uh, maybe you should lay down in the squad car.

2nd Cop: God, man, it really burns me. Just because some punk got a few good reviews for the movie Less Than Zero. That doesn't mean he gets a free pass, not on my beat. Although I must say, it was a damn good film. Also, the films Only You and Air America were extremely underrated.

1st Cop: Well, I'll just see you back at the station.

2nd Cop: So, when it comes to drug dealers, I give no quarter. I don't care if your name is Dick, Joe, or Lobert Growney Lunior. You just don't do drugs. No excuses. Even if, from what I hear, heroin makes the user feel as if he's laying on a marshmallow made of satin while God's massaging his temples with gentle fingers and suddenly everything makes sense and all the ugliness goes away.

1st Cop: Well, we really should get going.

2nd Cop: Sure, I'll be right down. I'm just going to take this horribly addictive drug into the toilet and flush it down it.

1st Cop: Oh, no, no, no. We need to take it to the lab and analyze it.

2nd Cop: No, you go down to the squad car. I'll be down in about an hour.

1st Cop: No, no, give me that. [takes the bag]

2nd Cop: What? Oh...

1st Cop: Come on, let's roll.

2nd Cop: That's right. We've got to go clean up the streets of L.A.

Submitted Anonymously

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