Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Spartan Cheerleaders

Arianna ... Cheri Oteri
Craig ... Will Ferrel
Dawson ... Robert Downey, Jr.

[Exterior shot of a suburban bowling alley called "Bowler City" - the parking lot is full. Dissolve to the interior where a father and son have just returned their shoes to the clerk. Arianna and Craig, two upbeat high school kids who want nothing more than to be cheerleaders, enter frantically, wearing their cheerleading uniforms (with SPARTAN in red letters across their chests) and carrying their gear. They sit together on a bench in front of some bowling balls and a banner that advertises the EAST LAKE BOWLING TOURNAMENT.]

Arianna: Craig, it's the bowling team's first big tournament of the season and we're late!

Craig: Arianna, I can't burn rubber on a learner's permit. Especially in my dad's Dodge Duster.

Arianna: Well, Sammy Hagar can't drive fifty-five, he's gotta go faster. Why can't you?

Craig: Sammy Hagar got kicked out of Van Halen.

Arianna: You're right. Safety first.

Craig: [looking toward the lanes] Oh! Dawson's about to pick up a spare.

Arianna: Oh, my God! They need us.

Craig: Let's do it!

[They rise and go into a cheerleading routine:]

Both: Hey Skippy!
Your lane is made of peanut butter
'Cause all of your balls are stuck in the gutter!
The Spartans show you how to bowl
Like Ike and Tina, we've got soul!
Bowling - Woo!
Bowling - Woo!
Bowling down the river
Doo doo doo doo doo doo!
Woo doo doo doo!
Woo doo doo doo!
Bowling down the river!
Stop spousal abuse!

[Applause. They sit back on the bench.]

Arianna: Craig, did you watch Party of Five last night?

Craig: No, it conflicts with my Nick at Nite Mork and Mindy reruns. Oh! I found a great pair of rainbow suspenders to wear to the Mork and Mindy fantasy convention.

Arianna: You know, some people say I look like Pam Dawber.

Craig: Pam Dawber wishes. Nanu nanu. Uh oh. Alexis alert, lane seven.

[Arianna stands and converses with her off screen classmate.]

Arianna: Hi, Alexis. What's with the dirty look? Yeah, these are your bowling shoes. No, I don't have to take them off. Because you are not the boss of me! [repeats several times, Craig stands up] Why don't I buy you a Fresca so you can wash down your selfish pill? ... I'm sorry, too. Call me!

[Craig and Arianna sit.]

Arianna: Dawson's ball is spinning like a Tasmanian devil!

Craig: He delivers a strike! We're back in the game.

[They rise and go into another cheerleading routine:]

Both: Yeee haw!
We got spirit in our britches, yes we do, yes we do.
We got spirit in our britches, yes we do, yes we do.
We got spirit in our britches
And it really, really itches.
We got spirit in our britches, yes we do.
Flame it, flame it
Funky jam it
Shake it, bake it
Country ham it!

Craig: The Spartans are cookin'!

Arianna: And I helped!

[They both sit.]

Craig: Arianna, you've got a piece of lint.

Arianna: Oh, could you get it for me?

[Craig pulls a white sock out of her collar.]

Craig: [horrified] Oh, my God! Oh, my-- Arianna, you're stuffing your sports bra! Why?

Arianna: [distressed] Craig, please don't judge me. It's just that I'm hot for Dawson -- but he's totally hot for girls who are a C cup or more.

Craig: It's what's in here [points to her head], not what's out here. [points to her chest] What's up here, [points to her head] not down there. [points to her chest]

Arianna: Oh God, Craig, I feel like the Titanic, I've sunk so low.

Craig: Hey, sock it to me.

Arianna: Aw, Craig.

[Arianna pulls out the other sock and hands it to Craig.]

Craig: Oh, Dawson.

Arianna: Dawson!

[Craig and Arianna rise to greet Dawson who enters in bowling attire.]

Dawson: What are you two doing here? Arianna, you look different. What's wrong?

Craig: It's not what's wrong. It's what's right.

Arianna: Yeah, Dawson. My name's Arianna, not "aureola." Look here [points to her head], not here. [points to her chest] Here, [points to her head] not here. [points to her chest]

Dawson: Uh huh. Hey, uh, why don't you give back that sweater to a girl who can fill it out?

Arianna: Craig!

Craig: You take that back! Take that back!

[Craig and Arianna attack Dawson, grabbing him and beating him up.]

Dawson: Take what back?

Craig: Hey, what's an "aureola"?

Dawson: It's a colored ring, sometimes called the vasicola postule.

Arianna: More commonly known as the nipple.

[Dawson starts to cry. Craig and Arianna stop roughing him up.]

Craig: I'm sorry, Dawson. I guess I didn't realize my own strength.

Dawson: Don't worry, Craig. You punch like my little sister. I'm crying because I am ashamed of myself.

Arianna: What gives, Dawson?

Dawson: I do respect the female in all her splendor, but my dad encourages me to be macho, a chauvinist if you will. He's on his third wife and he's very hairy.

Craig: [sympathetically] I've got back hair.

Dawson: I'd never tell my dad this but I even wanted to be a Spartan cheerleader.

Arianna and Craig: [sadly] So did we.

Dawson: Arianna, I'm sorry for what I've said. You've got it going on, girl.

[Craig and Arianna exchange happy glances.]

Arianna: Hey! Who's that Spartan respecting me?

Dawson: It's me.

Craig: And me.

Arianna: Hey guys, check me out. Looks like I've got a great pair of--

Craig and Dawson: Huh?!

Arianna: -- friends.

Craig and Dawson: Ohhh.

Dawson: Oh, hey, I gotta run, you guys.

Arianna: Where you going, Dawson?

Dawson: I'm going to tell my dad to cancel my Penthouse subscription. From now on I'm going to start thinking from here, [points to his head] not here. [points to his crotch] Here, [points to his head] not here. [points to his crotch, exits]

Arianna: Bye, Dawson!

Craig: Looks like Dawson bowled a perfect ten.

Arianna: Hey, that reminds me of a joke. Knock, knock.

Craig: Who's there?

Arianna: The perfect cheer!

[Craig starts up his boom box and we hear 95 South's "Whoot, There It Is"]

Boom Box:
Excuse me sonny, do you know where I can find some booty?!
Whoot, there it is (Yeah you say it)
Whoot, there it is (Yeah I like that)
Whoot, there it is (Yeah a little louder)
Whoot, there it is (Yeah come on)
Whoot, there it is (Come on, come on yeah)
Whoot, there it is (I like that come on)
Whoot, there it is (Yeah, baby baby)
Whoot, there it is (Come on)

[Craig and Arianna do a routine in which Craig feeds snacks to Arianna and then performs the Heimlich Maneuver on her, causing the snacks to pop out of her mouth. They both dance off. Fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

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