Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 22: Episode 7

96g: Phil Hartman / Bush

Phil Hartman's Monologue

... Phil Hartman

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, Phil Hartman!

Phil Hartman: [reserved, genial, and looking sharp in an expensive suit] Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot. You're very kind. [character voice] "I just flew in from Hollywood and, boy, is my full o' crap tired!" ...

[normal voice] You know, uh, it is a pleasure to be back hosting Saturday Night Live, uh, I've been so busy lately doin' movies, talk shows, commercials. Hey, I'm not greedy. I'm just tryin' to make ends meet like you folks and just tryin' to put bread on the table, provide for my family.

I mean, your kids grow up so fast. I remember the day my son was born. I was doing an Arby's commercial ... and I got a message on the set that everything went just fine but the second that commercial wrapped, I jumped a plane, flew back east -- to do another commercial for Hager slacks. ... Yeah, I missed an important occasion but, with the money I made from those two commercials, I was able to buy my infant son a pair of colored contact lenses ... and, now, he's got beautiful green eyes, just like the old man. Because it's all about family. ...

That's why I did a Lorenzo Lamas movie for three months ... so I could buy my daughter a panda bear -- so that she could win Show-and-Tell. ... Turns out you don't really win Show-and-Tell. ... Bear died after a couple of weeks. Apparently, they only eat bamboo shoots. How was I supposed to know that? ...

Oh, boy, but I'll tell ya, I'm a lucky man, uh, but I'd be nothing without my lovely wife, Brynn. Our anniversary's comin' up and I want to buy her a diamond necklace, just to show her what's important to me: family, friends, good times--

[Cut to photo of Michelob bottle and glass of beer. SUPER: Family. Friends. Good Times.]

Announcer V/O: Michelob!

[Cut back to Phil at Home Base.]

Phil Hartman: That should cover the necklace! ... We got a great show! Bush is here! [cheers and applause] Stick around -- we'll be right back!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts