96g: Phil Hartman / Bush
Phil Hartman's Monologue
... Phil Hartman
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, Phil
Phil Hartman: [reserved, genial, and looking
sharp in an expensive suit] Thanks a lot. Thanks a
lot. You're very kind. [character voice] "I just flew
in from Hollywood and, boy, is my full o' crap
[normal voice] You know, uh, it is a pleasure
to be back hosting Saturday Night Live, uh, I've been
so busy lately doin' movies, talk shows, commercials.
Hey, I'm not greedy. I'm just tryin' to make ends meet
like you folks and just tryin' to put bread on the
table, provide for my family.
I mean, your kids grow up so fast. I remember
the day my son was born. I was doing an Arby's
commercial ... and I got a message on the set that
everything went just fine but the second that
commercial wrapped, I jumped a plane, flew back
east -- to do another commercial for Hager slacks. ...
Yeah, I missed an important occasion but, with the
money I made from those two commercials, I was able to
buy my infant son a pair of colored contact
lenses ... and, now, he's got beautiful green
eyes, just like the old man. Because it's all about
That's why I did a Lorenzo Lamas movie for three
months ... so I could buy my daughter a panda bear --
so that she could win Show-and-Tell. ... Turns out you
don't really win Show-and-Tell. ... Bear died
after a couple of weeks. Apparently, they only eat
bamboo shoots. How was I supposed to know that?
Oh, boy, but I'll tell ya, I'm a lucky man, uh, but
I'd be nothing without my lovely wife, Brynn. Our
anniversary's comin' up and I want to buy her a
diamond necklace, just to show her what's important to
me: family, friends, good times--
[Cut to photo of Michelob bottle and glass of beer.
SUPER: Family. Friends. Good Times.]
Announcer V/O: Michelob!
[Cut back to Phil at Home Base.]
Phil Hartman: That should cover the
necklace! ... We got a great show! Bush is here!
[cheers and applause] Stick around -- we'll be right