Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 22: Episode 7

96g: Phil Hartman / Bush

Soldiers not Coming Back

Captain ... Phil Hartman
1st Corporal ... Jim Breuer
Private Thompson ... Tracy Morgan
Corporal Connors ... Colin Quinn
Sergeant ... Darrell Hammond
Bloomfield ... Tim Meadows
2nd Corporal ... Mark McKinney
3rd Corporal ... Chris Kattan
Miller ... Norm Macdonald
Private Sullivan ... Will Ferrell

[Snare drum - military music. Stock footage of transport arriving at makeshift army base on tropical island. SUPER: SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH PACIFIC / 1942 - Dissolve to a Captain, with pointer and map, explaining plans to a group of uniformed servicemen.]

Captain: Okay, this is our objective, men. By destroying this bridge, we cut off their main supplies. Any questions?

1st Corporal: Yes. Sir, when does the rendezvous start?

Captain: Oh-one-hundred. Don't be late, Corporal. Okay, men, now look, this isn't gonna be a Sunday picnic. Gonna give it to ya straight. Some of you won't be coming back. Like, for example, you, Private Thompson. You won't be coming back.

Private Thompson: [confused] Uh, sir?

Captain: You won't be coming back.

Private Thompson: Uh, why not, sir?

Captain: [chuckles] Why not, Private? Well, I think perhaps being mowed down by enemy crossfire might have something to do with it. Just like, uh, Corporal Connors over here. He won't be coming back.

Corporal Connors: Sir?

Captain: You won't be coming back.

Corporal Connors: I'm gonna die, sir?

Captain: I just got done saying that, Corporal. Don't make me repeat myself, please.

Sergeant: Sir?

Captain: Yes, Sergeant?

Sergeant: Uh, am I hearing this right, sir? You know who's gonna die?

Captain: Well, yes. When you've been soldiering as long as I have, then you can predict these things.

Sergeant: Ever had a wrong prediction, sir?

Captain: No.

Sergeant: Am I gonna make it, sir?

Captain: No. You won't be coming back.

1st Man: Am I gonna make it, sir?

Captain: No.

2nd Man: Am I gonna make it, sir?

Captain: Nope.

3rd Man: Am I gonna make it, sir?

Captain: [high pitched, as if it were obvious] No-o-o.

Rogers: Am I gonna make it, sir?

Captain: What? I can't see. Is that you, Rogers?

Rogers: Yes, sir.

Captain: No.

Bloomfield: Uh, what about me, Captain?

Captain: Well, you're gonna be fine, Stokowski, uh, A-OK, don't worry about it.

Bloomfield: Uh, I'm Bloomfield, sir.

Captain: Oh! Bloomfield! You won't be coming back. Sorry.

2nd Corporal: Uh, wh-wh-what about me, sir?

Captain: Well, Corporal, I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you.

2nd Corporal: Bad - bad news, sir?

Captain: Yes, you're being demoted to private.

2nd Corporal: [relieved] I am? Is that all?

Captain: No. You won't be coming back.

3rd Corporal: Sir, my question is not about me. This is not a question about me. This is an unrelated question.

Captain: Fine. But before you ask it, let me just say, you won't be coming back.

3rd Corporal: Oh, come on!

Captain: Yes, you'll be killed by friendly fire. Thompson there is gonna shoot you.

Private Thompson: [puts a hand on 3rd Corporal's shoulder] Sorry, man.

3rd Corporal: Well, I - I won't let it happen! I'll make sure I never go near Thompson in the battle!

Captain: [amused] Yeah, okay, whatever. [to a soldier with a raised hand] Yeah, Private Mitchelson, good to hear from you.

Miller: Uh, Miller, sir.

Captain: Oh, Miller, right. You won't be coming back.

Miller: [unconcerned] Yeah, yeah, I know, sir. I kind of got that feeling. Listen, uh ... what I was wondering was, uh, I thought maybe it'd be faster if you told us who's not gonna die.

Captain: Who's not gonna die?

Miller: Yeah.

Captain: [thinking] Uh, well, I'm not gonna die, uh, and-- Sullivan! You're not gonna die.

Private Sullivan: I'm not, sir?

Captain: No. No.

Private Sullivan: [relieved] Oh, thank God!

Captain: But you are gonna be captured by enemy troops and you're gonna be tortured repeatedly for sport. Many, many, many years -- long after the war is over. In fact, among the natives you'll be known as "Dubonka" or "He Who Begs for the Death That Will Not Come."

Private Sullivan: "Dubonka," sir?

Captain: Dubonka, yes.

Private Sullivan: I, uh, I - I - I don't wanna be Dubonka, sir.

Captain: [amused] Look, Private, I don't want to be allergic to wheat but I have no choice. I've had to live with that. [to Bloomfield] Yes, what is it, Bloomfield?

Bloomfield: Uh, sir, wouldn't it be easier to bomb this bridge from the air?

Captain: [quickly] Probably. Okay, let's review! [turns to the map, uses pointer] ... We slip in here, oh-one-hundred. Oh-three-hundred, we take the bridge. Oh-four-hundred, Sullivan becomes Dubonka. Any questions? Dubonka, questions?

Private Sullivan: Uh, no. No, sir.

Captain: Okay, men, I'll see you back here at oh-one-hundred in full combat gear, okay? Okay. Fall out. [The men begin to disperse but the Captain points to the 1st Corporal] Ah, not you, Corporal. [The rest of the men exit. The Captain puts a hand on the corporal's shoulder] Listen, Corporal, I'm afraid I have some horrible news for you.

1st Corporal: Horrible news, sir?

Captain: Yeah, let's take a walk, son. [They start to walk off - military music pots up] Have you ever heard of the term "Wakatinku"?

1st Corporal: "Wakatinku," sir?

[They exit. Applause. Fade.]

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