Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 8







96h: Martin Short / No Doubt

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek.....Will Ferrell
Sean Connery.....Darrell Hammond
Burt Reynolds.....Norm MacDonald
Jerry Lewis.....Martin Short

Alex Trebek: Welcome to "Celebrity Jeopardy". We've got three wonderful celebrities playing fro charity. Let's meet them. Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: Hello, Alex!

Alex Trebek: Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: How ya doing?

Alex Trebek: And finally, comedy legend, Jerry Lewis.

Jerry Lewis: May I tell you what a joy and a thrill and all it is to be here? It's super-duper! [ laughs ]

Alex Trebek: Good luck to all three of you.

Jerry Lewis: Yeah, we're gonna need it! [ laughs ]

Alex Trebek: What do you say we take a look at our board? The categories are: "Celebrities", "Potpourri", "Popular Music", "Movies", ""potent Potables", "U.S. History", and "'S' Words", which are words that begin with the letter "S". Mr. Connery, it's your turn.

Sean Connery: [ thinking ] Ah.. I'll take "Movies" for $400.

Alex Trebek: "John Travolta learned how to dance for this 1977 hit movie". [ Sean Connery buzzes in ] Mr. Connery?

Sean Connery: That would be "Jaws".

Alex Trebek: No. "Jaws" is incorrect. And please anwer in the form of a question. [ Burt Reynolds buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: What is "Jaws"?

Alex Trebek: No. That was already guessed. [ Jerry Lewis buzzes in ] Mr. Lewis.

Jerry Lewis: If I remember correctly, Alex, that would be "Dancing For.. LADIES!!" I had to go for it!

Alex Trebek: No! That was incorrect, also.. what is "Saturday Night Fever". Heads up, players. Sean Connery, it's still your board.

Sean Connery: Uh.. I'll take "Swords" for $400.

Alex Trebek: It's actually not "Swords".. these are words that begin with "S". The answer is: "Popeye is this sort of man". [ Reynolds buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: What is.. Popeye?

Alex Trebek: [ sighs ] No. [ Connery buzzes in ] Sean Connery. And, remember, these are words that begin with the letter "S", i>not "Swords".

Sean Connery: [ bangs podium, thinking ] Saber!

Alex Trebek: No.

Sean Connery: It began with a bloody "S"!

[ Lewis buzzes in, laughing ]

Alex Trebek: Mr. Lewis.

Jerry Lewis: I got the answer, Alex. You want the answer, it's simple. They're terrified of a perfectionist. "They" being the people who are running the studios this week.. [ time runs out ]

Alex Trebek: [ sighs again ] I'm sorry, Mr. Lewis. Time's up. "What is Sailor?" was the correct response. Tough start for everyone. All three celebrities are $800 down.

Sean Connery: [ angry ] The hell if I'm gonna pay you a bloody $800!

Alex Trebek: Please, be assured, Mr. Connery. This is for charity, it's not your own money. And it is still your board.

Sean Connery: Alright, I'll take "Movies" for $200.

Alex Trebek: "This racing movie with Dom DeLuise told us that yes cannonballs can run." [ no one buzzes in ] "Cannonballs can run." Burt, you might want to guess this. [ Reynolds buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: Oh, I don't know.. Shaekespeare!

Alex Trebek: [ flabbergasted ] No. [ Connery buzzes in ] Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: I'll not pay this fine, you curd, it's unjust!

Alex Trebek: You don't have to pay the.. [ Lewis buzzes in ] Jerry Lewis.

Jerry Lewis: Cannonballin' Mamim'..

Alex Trebek: Wait, wait, wait.. it sounds like youmight have the right answer! Ddi you say "Cannon"?

Jerry Lewis: Cannon..

Alex Trebek: Now, say "ball"!

Jerry Lewis: Ball..

Alex Trebek: Put them together..

Jerry Lewis: Cannonballin' Mamin' aigh-yea! [ smiles ]

Alex Trebek: [ shakes head ] Okay, let's just move on. Burt, can you please pick a category?

Sean Connery: [ whispering ] Pick "Swords".

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, sure, give me "Swords".

Alex Trebek: [ annoyed ] It's "'S' Words"! "'S' Words"! And, for how much, Mr. Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: Aw, hell, let's go nuts, "Swords" for $48,000!

Alex Trebek: We're not doing "Swords"! You know what, why don't we just move on to Final Jeopardy? The category is "Bodies of Water". "This body of water gave Salt Lake City it's name." [ Final Jeopardy music plays, answers are written ] And, time is up. "This body of water gave Salt Lake City it's name." Sean Connery, you wrote.. [ screen reads "Swords" ] .."Swords". And you wagered.. [ screen shows lines ] ..what appears to be a Roman Numeral Seven.

Sean Connery: That's an "M"!

Alex Trebek: That is is, Sir. Burt Reynolds, you put down.. [ screen reads "Alex Trebek" ] ..my name, that's nice. And you wagered.. [ screen reads "Is a Fu.." ] .."Is A.." ..okay, obviously that's some sort of swear word. [ Reynolds smiles ] Jerry Lewis.. [ he's missing from his podium ] ..has wandered off somewhere. Let's see if he had anything. [ screen shows half-of-hand drawing ] Apparently his answer was an outline of half of his hand. And, he wagered.. [ screen shows rest of hand ] ..the other half of his hand. That's beautiful. Well, I'd like to thank all of our celebrities for joining us this evening..

Jerry Lewis: [ runs in with glass of water ] I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I was in the little boy's room! [ spills water on Alex ] Oh, boy, I didn't mean to do that..

Alex Trebek: ..celebrities for joining us. Unfortunately, because of your scores, money will be taken away from charities.. [ Jerry sticks glass in his mouth and shows Alex ] That's very funny, Jerry.. Join us tomorrow when we return for more Jeopardy.. [ looking at Lewis acting like a monkey with the glass in his mouth ] I have no idea..

[ Lewis runs into the audience to reach the cameraman ]

Jerry Lewis: Hey, come back! Come over, here, lady! I want to talk to you, Mr. Cameraman! Come to me..

[ fade to black ]


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