Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 9







96i: Rosie O'Donnell / Whitney Houston

Mary Katherine Gallagher

Sister.....Rosie O'Donnell
Sean Patrick Flannery.....Will Ferrell
Sister Maria.....Panny Marshall
Mary Katherine Gallagher.....Molly Shannon
Jennifer.....Whitney Houston

[ open on St. Monica's Christmas Choir practicing ]

Sister: Sto-o-o-o-o-p! Stop! The Intercatholic Chorus Competition is in two days. And our esteemed soloist, Sean Patrick Flannery, sounds like he's passing a kidney stone!

Sean Patrick Flannery: Is that good?

Sister: No, it's not good, Sean! Let's move to the next song, "The Little Drummer Boy". Jennifer, come down, please.

Jennifer: Yes, Sister. [ steps down ]

Sister: Jennifer, why don't you take this next song?

Jennifer: Thank you, Sister. [ sticks tongue at Sean Patrick ]

Sister: Alright. [ Sean returns to the back of the choir ] Now, where is my Little Drummer Girl, Mary?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ runs into scene, drum strapped around neck ] Mary Katherine Gallagher!

Sister: Mary Katherine Gallagher. I'm fully aware what your name is, yes I am! Now, dear. We're doing "The Little Drummer Boy", and that's you, so go over there and get into your position. Alright? [ Mary takes her place ] Alright, then.. [ walks to Sister Maria at the piano ] Sister Maria!

Sister Maria: [ lifts head ] Yeah! Yeah! I'm up!

Sister: Stay awake during the rehearsals, please, Sister Maria! That's so much to ask. Let's begin, please!

[ Sister Maria plays the song on the piano ]

Jennifer: [ performing the solo ]
"Come they told me, pa-rum pum pum pummmmm.."

[ Mary Katherine Gallagher steps in front of Jennifer, starting to sing ]

Jennifer: Sister!br>
Sister: Stop! Stop! STOP!!

Sister Maria: [ stops playing paino ] Stop yelling! I'm not deaf!

Sister: Don't be mouthing off to me, Sister Maria!

Sister Maria: Don't you start with me.

Sister: Don't you start with me!

Sister Maria: Don't you start with me.

Sister: Now, Mary. What do you think you're doing, young lady?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I thought that this was where I was supposed to stand?

Sister: No, no! You're supposed to stand next to Jennifer! Alright? If you stand in front of her, the audience won't be able to see beautiful Jennifer's face, and hear her gorgeous, glorious voice during her solo! Now, please step aside, and let's begin again. Alright, from where the perfect Jennifer left off! [ returns to the piano ]

[ Sister Maria plays the piano again ]

Jennifer: "I have no gift to bring, pa-rum pum pum pum
To lay before our King, pa-rum pum pum pummmmm.."


[ Mary Katherine Gallagher starts pounding on her drum ]

Sister: STO-O-O-O-O-OPPPPPP!!

Sister Maria: [ singing ] ..in the na-a-a-a-ame of love!
Be-fore you break my heart!"


Sister: Sister Maria! If I've told you once, I've told you three times: No Motown at rehearsal! [ to Mary ] Now, Mary, for crying out loud! Why are you doing that!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Well, I'm a Little Drummer Boy, so I'm drumming.

Sister: Yes! But you're drumming for Jesus Christ, not for Judas Priest!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Well, I thought that Jennifer needed some help with the tempo, because she sounded a little bit confused.

Sister: Well, maybe the drum was a bad idea, then, wasn't it, Mary Katherine? You give me the drum now. Give me the sticks, as well! [ takes the drums and sticks away ] Now, you just stand over there, and you just make believe that you've got yourself a drum and you've got yourself some sticks, alright?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Sister, before we start again, I just want to say, "Seasons Greetings to All!"

Sister: [ pause ] Alright, let's continue. Sister Maria.

[ piano plays again ]

Jennifer: "I have no gift to bring, pa-rum pum pum pummmm."

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ stepping in ]
"To lay before the King, pa-rum pum pum pum.."

Sister: Stop! Stop!

Sister Maria: Stop with the stopping! [ slaps Sister ]

Sister: No hitting me!

Sister Maria: Oh, God, I've got Gambler's Anonymous in 10 minutes!

Sister: You just sit there and you play when I tell you to! Come here, Mary! [ Maty approaches, hands under her arms ] What are you doing!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Sometimes, when I get nervous, I stick my fingers under my arm, and I smell them like that. [ demonstrates ] That's bad.

Sister: It's not too nice, Mary Katherine! It's not! Now, listen, this is not a duet, it's a solo! Jennifer's solo! Because Jennifer sings very well! And yet, you continue to interrupt her. I'm asking you why you continue to interrupt her?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: The reason that I keep interrupting Jennifer would best be expressed in a monologue from the Made-For-TV movie "A House Without A Christmas", starring the Tony Award-winning Mr. Jason Robards. [ begins monologue ] "Oh, Daddy! Oh, Daddy! Daddy, I want a Christmas tree in this house! A big, tall, green, beautiful juniper. And we would have one, Daddy, if you weren't so grumpy all the time. And we would have.. and we would have.. we would have presents, and.. and.. and.. and we would have egg nog with cinnamon and nutmeg and Christmas songs. Oh, Daddy! I want to sing! I want to sing! Do you hear that? Do you hear that?"

Sister Maria: Hear what?

Sister: Hear what!

Jennifer: Hear what?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ singing ]
"I hear those sleigh bells jingling
Ring-ting-tingling too."


Jennifer: [ singing ]
"Come on itís lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you."


Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ singing ]
"Outside the snow is falling
And friends are calling yoo-hoo."


Jennifer: [ singing ]
"Come on itís lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you."


Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ singing ]
"Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, let's go,"

Jennifer: [ singing ]
"Let's look at the snow."

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ singing ]
"We're riding in a wonderland of snow!"

Together: "Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up.."

[ Mary Katherine Gallagher falls over a table full of ornaments, then jumps up from her fall ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Merry Christmas!

Sister: Mary Katherine Gallagher! Yuo come with me, Mary Katherine Gallagher! We'll go see Father O'Reilly, and we'll talk to him about your detention! Maria! run the rehearsal as if I was here! [ drags Mary Katherine Gallagher out of the room ]

Sister Maria: [ takes a swig of alcohol ] Alright, let's hit it!

[ fade out ]


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