Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 22: Episode 10

96j: Kevin Spacey / Beck

"Star Wars" 20th Anniversary Home Video II

Voice of Director.....Will Ferrell
Burt Reynolds.....Norm MacDonald
Barbra Streisand.....Ana Gasteyer
Jack Lemmon.....Kevin Spacey

Voice of Director: Burt Reynolds, Darth Vader screen test. Alright, we're rolling.

Burt Reynolds: Fire away!

Voice of Director: Uh, Burt? We need the helmet. [ Burt puts on helmet ] "Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes. Or given you clairvoyance enough To find the rebels' hidden fortress." [ Burt stands motionless ] Uh, Burt? You're supposed to strangle the guy now.

Burt Reynolds: Oh, what, like.. go over there and choke him?

Voice of Director: No. No, you kind of twist your fingers at him.

Burt Reynolds: Ah. I don't get it.

Voice of Director: You see.. you have this mystical power.

Burt Reynolds: Let me ask you a question. [ clears throat ] What kind of car does this guy drive?

[ cut to next screen test ]

Voice of Director: Alright. Barbra Streisand, Princess Leia screen test. Okay, whenever you're ready, Barbra.

Barbra Streisand: [ manic ] "This is our most desperate hour! Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi! You're my only hope!"

Voice of Director: Barbra? you're gonna want to take that wa-a-ay down.

Barbra Streisand: More?

Voice of Director: Yeah.

Barbra Streisand: I can do that.

Voice of Director: Okay. Whenever you're ready.

Barbra Streisand: [ more manic than before ] "This is our most desperate hour! Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi! You're my only hope!"

Voice of Director: Okay, thanks.

Barbra Streisand: I didn't get the part, did I?

[ cut to next screen test ]

Voice of Director: Jack Lemmon, Chewbacca screen test. Take one.

Jack Lemmon: [ holding up his mask ] Okay, excuse me. Before we put the spaghetti in the machine, can someone tell me what the hell one of these Chewbacca things is?

Voice of Director: Well, uh.. he's a Wookie, Jack.

Jack Lemmon: A what? A what the hell is a Wookie?

Voice of Director: Uh.. it's like a space ape.

Jack Lemmon: [ pissed ] Oh, that's terrific! You had me drive all the way from Beverly Hills to play a fu--kin' space ape?!

Voice of Director: Uh.. just put the mask on..

Jack Lemmon: I'm gonna take a dump in this fu--in' damn mask, that's what I'm gonna do!

Voice of Director: Jack, would you please put it on..

Jack Lemmon: Why can't I audition for Obi-Wan? You got Matthau screen testing! I'd be a terrific Obi-Wan!

Voice of Director: Would you please put the mask on?

Jack Lemmon: Aw, f--k yourself!

Announcer: "Star Wars", the 20th Anniversary home video. Available at video stores everywhere.

SNL Transcripts