Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 11




96k: David Alan Grier / Snoop Doggy Dogg

TV Funhouse

Father.....Stephen Colbert
Timmy.....Tyler Jones
Mother.....Laura Tietjen

FADE IN:

SUPER: WHEATY - THE WHEATEN TERRIER

INSERT HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE OF THE AFOREMENTIONED WHEATY, SITTING ON ALL FOURS. WHEATY BARKS OFF-SCREEN.

INT. 1950’s LIVING ROOM – DAY

A late 30’s FATHER reads the newspaper in his leather lounge chair, smoking a pipe. A MOTHER, same age range, spreads chocolate frosting on a cake. Their son, TIMMY, young and blond, races in.

Timmy: Wow! Is that cake almost ready?

Mother: Timmy, it’s for the bake sale.

The father removes his pipe.

Father: That’s right, trying to raise money to repair the road. Even Wheaty’s helping out.

CUT TO HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE OF WHEATY GLANCING AROUND IN A DIFFERENT LIVING ROOM. WHEATY BARKS O/S.

Mother: I think Wheaty wants to eat the cake.

CUT TO HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE, TIME STAMPED, NOV. 14 1996, OF WHEATY CHEWING ON A RUBBER TOY SHOE. WHEATY BARKS O/S.

Father: What’s wrong, girl?

Timmy: I think Wheaty’s trying to tell us something.

CUT TO HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE OF WHEATY LYING ON HER SIDE IN A PRIOR SEEN LIVING ROOM. The father rises from his chair and moves closer with Timmy at his side.

Father: Grandpa’s in trouble!?

Timmy: Where is he!?

CUT TO HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE OF WHEATY, TIME STAMPED, OCT. 23 1996, EATING DOG FOOD. WHEATY BARKS O/S.

EXT. 1950’s HOUSE – DAY

Timmy and Father race down the front steps.

Father: You take us to him, girl!

CUT TO HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE OF WHEATY LICKING HER PRIVATES ON THE FLOOR. WHEATY BARKS O/S.

EXT. OPEN FIELD – 1950’s – DAY

Timmy’s on his bicycle with his father running alongside.

Timmy: Hurry Wheaty!

Father: Keep going girl! We’re right behind you!

CUT TO HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE OF WHEATY DRINKING WATER OUT OF A TOILET. WHEATY BARKS O/S. Timmy and his father pull GRANDPA from being pinned under a pick-up truck.

Timmy: You’re going to be okay, Grandpa.

Grandpa: How on Earth did you find me?

Father: We never would have been able to without Wheaty.

All three stare off OFF-SCREEN. CUT TO HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE OF WHEATY GETTING HUMPED BY A GOLDEN RETRIEVER ON A NEW YORK CITY SIDEWALK. Mother arrives in a police car. A SHERIFF and DEPUTY depart the vehicle at the same time as her.

Father: Pretty fast service, Sheriff.

Sheriff: Your wife told us to follow Wheaty. That’s a pretty good dog to help get us here.

Mother: Maybe she can get you to fix the road?

CUT TO HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE OF WHEATY GETTING BATHED AND SCRUBBED IN SOAP. WHEATY BARKS O/S. Everyone chuckles.

Sheriff: Well, I guess that makes it unanimous. We’ll try to stir things up with the State Road Authority.

Timmy: You sure stirred things up! Right, Wheaty?

CUT TO HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE, TIME STAMPED NOV. 9 1996, OF WHEATY STARING AT A RUBBER BONE ON HER LIVING ROOM FLOOR. WHEATY BARKS O/S. QUICK DISSOLVE TO WHEATY, HAVING HER PAW HELD BY OWNER, WAVING GOODBYE.

END


Submitted by: Cody Downs


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