Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.
Norm MacDonald: Good evening! I'm Norm MacDonald, and this is the fake news.
Our top story tonight: Late yesterday, the House subcommittee investigating Newt Gingrich finally issued its long-awaited report, recommending that the Speaker be given a reprimand and a $300,000 fine for "minor ethical violations". Gingrich has promised to come up with the money promptly, although he admits it is going to involve "giant ethical violations".
Meanwhile, with President Clinton's second inaugural approaching, the tension has turned to what the women will be wearing at the festivities. According to the White House, First-Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton will wear a gown by Oscar Delorante; Tipper Gore will appear in a Jennifer George ensemble; and Attorney-General Janet Reno will be outfitted by Rochester Big & Tall.
This week, in arguments before the Supreme Court, lawyers for President Clinton asked that the sexual harrassment suit, brought by Paula Jones, be delayed until he leaves office. According to Clinton's attorney, "If the President were hauled into court every time some nut accused him of sexual harrassment, he'd have no time to 'scare up tail'".
Norm MacDonald: He likes scaring up the tail! Okay!
In dramatic testimony this week at his civil trial, O.J. Simpson said he didn't commit suicide only because, "My mother told me you don't go to heaven if you kill yourself." Oddly, his mother did say, "It's okay to kill other people."
In Atlanta this week, two separate bomb blasts rocked a building which houses an abortion clinic. Asked if there were any suspects, an FBI spokesman said, "We don't want to rush to judgment like we did in the Olympic Park bombing case," but then added, "It's Richard Jewell."
Basketball star Michael Jordan has scored a slam dunk with his new men's fragrance, selling one-and-a-half million bottles of Michael Jordan cologne in the first two months. No, the scent does not smell like michael Jordan after a game; it smells like Patrick Ewing. Smells good!
This week, the Rev. Jesse Jackson called for an end to his boycott of auto maker Mitsubishi, citing improvements in job opportunities for minorities, and also the fact that he couldn't find a word that rhymes with Mitsubishi.
Norm MacDonald: The controversy surrounding Michael Irving continues. Here with a commentary, our good friend Colin Quinn. Hey, Col!
Colin Quinn: Thank you, Norm. Thank you, folks. Thank you. So now the media has falsely accused Michael Irving. We all thought he was guilty, and now we owe him an apology. I'm not going to apologize to him! Why should? Nobody ever apologizes to me for anything! I'll apologize to him when the people that owe me an apology, apologize to me!
But he is right about the hypocrisy over his indiscretions, because, let's face it, we've all been there. It's five o'clock in the morning, you've done a quarter-ounce of coke in under two hours, and there's two prostitutes ripping your hotel room apart looking for the rest of the stash.. meanwhile, you're lying on the bathroom floor, the bathtub is overflowing, but you can't get up to turn the water off, your nose is bleeding, you're sweating , you can't stop crying, your heart stops beating every thirty seconds, and you're thinking, "Am I gonna be able to play football today?" And, of course, when these incidents happen, we all ask ourselves the same question: "Was it a white girl?"
Now, the Cowboys are saying, "We didn't know he had a drug problem." Really? Do you know a lot of people not on drugs who wear gold suits? He's supposed to be sitting on the sidelines inspiring his team, he looks like he should be shooting pool with Starsky & Hutch. So what I'm saying is yes, the media's wrong to spend so much time talking about Michael Irving. But, on the other hand, if you don't want people to talk about you, don't dress like Krystal Carrington.
So, Michael, you don't get your apology. But at least, you should be happy - your scandals involve real girls. Look at someone like Richard Jewell. He's the one who deserves an apology. The cops searched his house, they said they found a housegul of porno. The whole country knows he's collecting porno, and, you know.. I mean, he can't even touch himself in peace! You want to talk about a violation of civil rights. I mean, that's every guy's worst nightmare, right? When you're a teenager, and you'd be playing with yourself, you look outside the window and there's 500 cops standing there, telling you to come out with your hands up! So, Richard Jewell, you deserve an apology!
Norm MacDonald: Colin Quinn, everybody! Colin Quinn. I owe Colin an apology, I thought that piece would die!
In New York, state-of-the-art self-cleaning toilets may soon appear on city streets. In a survey, New Yorkers expressed their enthusiasm for the outdoor toilets, noting that they are very easy to urinate on.
Beginning in March, D.C. Comics will change Superman's traditional red and blue costume to a new form-fitting bodysuit. The problem with the old costume? Not gay enough.
What the hell's going on in the country? That's not Superman!
Last week, in Canastota, New York, fight promoter Don King was elected to the International Boxing Hall of Fame. King graciously thanked the Hall of Fame for the honor, then took all its money and left it bankrupt.
In Springfield, Missouri, the local cable company mistakenly aired five minutes of explicit sex scenes from the Playboy Channel on the Cartoon Network, during an episode of "The Flintstones". Experts say that children who saw the broadcast called it the "greatest Flintstones episode ever!"
In literary news, the ever-reclusive J.D. Salinger will publish his first book in 34 years. Asked what inspired him to finally write again, Salinger said, "Get the hell off my lawn!"
Following the passage of a new city ordinance, strippers are now forbidden to give lap dances in the city of Houston, Texas. Or, as I refer to it: Nazi, Germany.
That's ridiculous! Completely ridiculous!
Finally, according to the U.S. News & World Report 1997 Career Guide, the bet job in the United States, for the second year in a row, is Interactive Business System Analyst. However, last year's worst job, Assistant Crack Whore, has been replaced by a new worst job: Crack Whore Trainee.
Norm MacDonald: And that's the way it is. Good night, folks!