Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 12




96l: Neve Campbell / David Bowie

O.J. Simpson Press Conference

O.J. Simpson.....Tim Meadows
Dan Rather......Darrell Hammond
Reporter #1.....Cheri Oteri
Reporter #2.....Chris Kattan
Reporter #3.....Ana Gasteyer

FADE IN:

[ CBS NEWS "BREAKING NEWS" BUMPER ]

[ INT. CBS NEWS NYC STUDIO - NIGHT ]

[ DAN RATHER is seated at the desk. ]

Dan Rather: Good evening, I'm Dan Rather. There's been a new development in the seemingly endless O.J. Simpson saga. Earlier today --

[ KCBS LA NEWS COPTER FOOTAGE OF SIMPSON RUNNING WITH A WHEEL BARREL FULL OF MONEY AND TWO BANK GUARDS ESCORTING HIM TO LOAD IT IN HIS VEHICLE. ]

Dan Rather: Simpson was leaving his lawyer's offices and heading to this bank in Los Angeles. Approximately 22 minutes later, Mr. Simpson emerged from the bank with a wheel barrel that looked to be overflowing with bags and bags of money.

[ O.J. WAVES TO THE NEWS COPTER. ]

Dan Rather: Mr. Simpson then returned to his Brentwood estate where he's holding an impromptu press conference. And now, CBS News takes you there live...

[ EXT. SIMPSON ESTATE - NIGHT ]

[ O.J. SIMPSON is surrounded by several reporters. He's holding a shovel with dollar bills attached to it. Numerous stacks of dollar bills are shoved into his shirt. ]

O.J. Simpson: Thank you. Thank you all for coming. I'd like to comment on the 8.5 million dollar judgment against me. I will gladly pay this fine, but there is no money. I am flat broke. You know, if you haven't talked to my lawyers, they have all the money. You know what I say when I see my lawyers? "Show me the money! Show me the money!"

[ O.J. chuckles. The reporters can't seem to break the awkwardness. ]

Reporter #1: Mr. Simpson, you were seen earlier emptying out your bank accounts.

O.J. Simpson: Now see, that's not true! I was here all day. I was taking a nap. No, no -- I was chipping golf balls. No, no -- I was packing! No, no -- me and Kato went to McDonald's. No, no -- it was Arby's! No, no -- it was McDonald's -- I'm going to say McDonald's!

Reporter #2: Mr. Simpson, did you just bury all your money in the backyard?

O.J. Simpson: Did I bury the money!?!? No way!! There are two things I've never done - beat a woman and bury my money in the backyard. You know, I don't even have a shovel...

Reporter #2: Then what's that?

O.J. Simpson: What?

Reporter #2: In your hand? Isn't that a shovel?

O.J. Simpson: This is not a shovel! "Show me the money! Show me the money!" Who saw that movie?

Reporter #3: And what's that stuck to it? It looks like money.

O.J. Simpson: Yeah it is. It's the only money I have left. I'm going to be distributing this money to those who deserve it from the judgment against me. But I stuck it on this shovel so I wouldn't forget it.

Reporter #2: I thought you said you didn't have a shovel.

[ O.J. murmurs NIGGER under his breath. ]

O.J. Simpson: Who said "nigger"? Why must this always be about race!?

Reporter #2: Sir, there are foot prints! Foot prints from Air Jordans leading to the backyard to where you are standing right now.

O.J. Simpson: Did somebody just call me a nigger? Look, I don't own a pair of Air Jordan sneakers. Do you think I would own an ugly pair of shoes like that anyway? Come on! It's me! The Juice!!

Reporter #2: You're wearing them! I'm looking at them right now!!

O.J. Simpson: Here we go again... Come on now!

[ A golden lab steps out of the front gate with a Ziploc bag full of cash from his mouth. He goes off into the distance. ]

O.J. Simpson: Come on! That dog's got my money! And one other thing...

[ The camera zooms on Tim Meadows. ]

O.J. Simpson: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


Submitted by: Cody Downs


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