Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

.....Norm MacDonald
.....David Spade

[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk, brandishing a sheaf of paper held together by a paper clip.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you, I'm Norm MacDonald and now the fake news. Our top story tonight:

[Photo of O. J. Simpson] In a unanimous verdict this week, a Santa Monica jury found O. J. Simpson liable for the wrongful deaths of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman, awarding the plaintiffs damages of eight million dollars. Reacting to the verdict, Simpson insisted that he has nowhere near that amount of money and that his only remaining asset is thirty pairs of Bruno Magli shoes. [weak audience reaction, Norm winces, removes the paper clip from his sheaf and turns to the next story:]

[Photo of Denise Brown] As the jury's decision was announced, Nicole Brown's sister, Denise Brown, told reporters, quote, "I feel ecstatic!" [Photo of Johnnie Cochran] while Johnnie Cochran said, quote, "I accept the verdict and now we must move on." [Photo of Kato Kaelin] Meanwhile, Kato Quolin -- Kato Kaelin, I'm sorry -- Kato Kaelin said, quote, "Please, God, don't let it be over!" [Norm chuckles]

[Photo of Bill Clinton] The announcement of the verdict came toward the end of President Clinton's annual State of the Union address and, to many observers, completely overshadowed the event. Even the President was distracted during his speech, waiting to hear exactly how much it costs to kill your wife. [audience reacts badly but then whistles and applauds]

[Photo of "suicide doctor" Jack Kevorkian] And, in other news, authorities in Pontiac, Michigan are trying to determine if Dr. Jack Kevorkian was involved with the death of a woman whose body was found in the back of his suicide van. You know, I'm no expert in police work, but, uh, YES!

Meanwhile, five thousand disabled Americans were in Washington last week to protest doctor-assisted suicide. On a sad note, the demonstration turned ugly when all five thousand disabled people fought over two handicapped parking spaces. ... I told you it was sad, it was sad.

[Photo of Clinton advisor Dick Morris] Disgraced former presidential advisor Dick Morris revealed this week that President Clinton phoned him two days after the election. Pressed as to what the two men talked about during their three-hour conversation, Morris said: "Whores."

[Photo of Tonya Harding] Skater Tonya Harding, banned from competing for the United States because of her part in the Nancy Kerrigan attack, received a setback this week when her request to skate for Norway was also rejected. However, Harding remains optimistic that she'll get the okay to compete for The Republic of White-trash-istan.

[American Express corporate logo] And, in business news, American Express has announced plans to lay off three thousand workers. According to the company, employees will be notified of the layoffs with pink slips reading simply, "Don't Leave Home..."

Norm MacDonald: Now, with our old buddy Dave Spade, here's the "Hollywood Minute" -- Hi, Dave!

David Spade: All right! Whooo! Hello, Norm.

Norm MacDonald: Hi.

David Spade: Hello, crowd. Good evening! Well, a lot has happened in the entertainment world since I left the show last May so let's talk about some of the highlights.

[Photo of talk show host Pat Bullard] "The Pat Bullard Show" has been canceled. Watched it a few times but it made me yearn for the edginess and sharp bite of "Mike and Maty." [mild reaction from crowd] Ah, just a little warm-up pitch. Don't get scared.

[Photo of actor Randy Spelling] Tori Spelling's brother Randy just got hired in his dad Aaron Spelling's other show, "Sunset Beach." Last time I saw nepotism this bad, it was, uh-- No, wait. I've NEVER seen nepotism this bad.

["Star Wars" movie poster] Saw the movie "Star Wars" this weekend. It's about people flying through space being chased by Darth Vader and storm troopers. I really liked this movie the first time I saw it when it was called "Star Wars"! ... Oh, wait. Okay.

[Photo of "Star Wars" producer/director George Lucas] George Lucas was happy with "Star Wars" making thirty-six million dollars opening weekend. Now he can finally afford that sporty Miata he's had his eye on. [another mild reaction] Thanks for that joke, Norm. It's a real doozy!

[Photo of "Star Wars" actor Mark Hamill, circa 1977] When "Star Wars" was first released twenty years ago, I saw a picture of Mark Hamill at the premiere. He was with two girls who on a scale of one to ten were easily a "nine" and a "ten." Cut to the premiere a few weeks ago and, uh... [Norm starts laughing, photo of Hamill, circa 1997, with two less than attractive women] Whew! Mark, may the "fours" be with you.

[Photo of actor Skeet Ulrich] Skeet Ulrich, one of the stars of the movie "Scream." Skeet, uh, Johnny Depp called. He needs his DNA back. ... If you could get on that.

[Photo of Banana Republic compact disc] I went shopping at the Banana Republic and found out they have a new CD of in-store music. I listened to it and, honestly, I felt it was derivative of "J. Crew Live at Budokan" ... Yeah, you know, not that that's bad, it's just ... derivative.

[Photo of short-haired actress Cameron Diaz] Cameron Diaz just cut off all her gorgeous hair. Men of America, you can now stop spankin' it.

[Photo of late athlete Steve Prefontaine] Two movies about Olympic runner Steve Prefontaine are coming out at the same time. All right! They have two different titles, though, "Snore" and "Snooze"! ... Hmm. Which one will be first?

[Showtime movie channel corporate logo] I have Showtime now which is like a low-ball version of HBO. Only raunchier. So I forget I have it until Saturday mornings when I'm flippin' through the channels and all I see is: cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, WARNING! This program contains explicit nudity! Yeeeaahh! SHOWTIME!!! Whoo-hoo! Showtime, [voice drops to a whisper] I love you. ... [to Norm] Don't judge me.

[Photo of singer James Brown] I saw the Super Bowl halftime show. First, the good news. I heard that James Brown's performance counted as community service. And, uh, yeah, so there's ten minutes. [Photo of the new Blues Brothers] And, uh, the bad news is: did anyone see the new Blues Brother debacle? Yeah, who greenlit this cattle drive, right? I love you guys but why don't you go back to doing what you do best -- getting stoned and just talking about doing stuff like that?

[Photo of singer/actress Madonna in the film "Evita"] Ohhh, Disney's precious "Evita"! [hick accent] Guess what?! I didn't give a crap about the real Evita and I really don't care about the fake one! [quietly, to Norm] Stay close.

[Photo of singer Marilyn Manson] I have a message for, uh, Marilyn Manson. Yeah, Satan called and, uh, first, um, he says, Hi. And, um, your videos are giving him nightmares. ... So if you could bring it down a notch.

[touches his own hair] Is that what my hair looks like?

[Photo of athlete Dennis Rodman in drag] Okay, uh, Dennis Rodman, it's just not cute any more.

[Photo of U2 lead singer Bono] And, by the way, when did Bono turn uncool? Five years ago, he's the biggest rock star in the world. Now, he's like Potsie. [Side-by-side photos of Bono and Anson Williams as "Potsie" on the sitcom "Happy Days"] ... Seriously, the other guys in U2 are like, "Oh my God, here comes Bono. Don't tell him what we're doin' tonight." ... Meanwhile, if he came in here, we'd kiss his ass.

[Glamorous photo of singer Courtney Love] Courtney Love! Here's her latest cleaned-up look. Now she's the kind of girl you can bring home to Mom. If your mom likes to share needles and make out with chicks.

Back to you, Norm!

Norm MacDonald: [who has pulled his paper clip out of shape and now twirls it in Spade's direction] David Spade!

David Spade: Thank you! [shakes hands with Norm] Good to see you, pal! [waves to crowd, rises, exits] All right!

Norm MacDonald: [Photo of convicted young murderer Lyle Menendez] This week, the California Department of Corrections confirmed that Lyle Menendez and model Anna Erickson were married in prison. Following the ceremony, Menendez spent a romantic wedding night being raped by two white guys and a big black guy.

[Photo of the Village People] TriStar Pictures is planning a film about the '70s disco act, the Village People. While the movie will be coming out next summer, it plans to wait until Thanksgiving to come out to its parents.

[Photo of Bruce Willis] Actor Bruce Willis is filming his next movie, the "The Broadway Brawler," in Wilmington, Delaware. [Photo of actress Demi Moore] Meanwhile, his wife Demi Moore is taking a break from movie work saying she wants to spend more time with her huge breasts.

[Image of newspaper headline which reads: "Same day (& hosp) delivery for 3 sisters"] Well, how's this for a coincidence? Last week in New York, three sisters each had a baby on the same day at the same hospital. Though, it should be noted, the three women were in different hospitals, they're not sisters, and they didn't have babies. Also, it was, uh, two guys. [hardly anyone laughs] Still kind of a coincidence, you know, if you think about it...

[Image of a newspaper blurb titled "Missouri"] According to a new ordinance in Kansas City, Missouri, anyone convicted of indecent exposure, prostitution, or soliciting prostitution will have his name posted on a local cable channel. If I can be permitted a personal comment, while the plan's goal of publicly shaming sex offenders is well intentioned, it's important to remember, in this democracy of ours, that Norm MacDonald is a very common name.

[Photo of masked pop star Michael Jackson and wife Debbie Rowe] And, finally, sources report that Michael Jackson's baby is due February 27th and it's going to be named Michael Jackson Junior. Michael plans to be with the mother during the delivery, in his words, to make up for not being there for the contra-s-- ... [having messed up the punchline, Norm chuckles and starts over] Sources report that Michael Jackson's baby is due February 27th... [Norm stops reading and says matter-of-factly] It's "conception" -- the last word was "conception," so ...

[Scattered laughter. Applause. Music. Apparently disgusted at having mangled the joke, Norm doesn't even say good night -- he just grins and nods to the camera as we dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATE graphic.]

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