Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!
[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk, brandishing a sheaf of paper held together by a paper clip.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you, I'm Norm MacDonald and now
the fake news. Our top story tonight:
[Photo of O. J. Simpson] In a unanimous verdict this
week, a Santa Monica jury found O. J. Simpson liable
for the wrongful deaths of Nicole Brown Simpson and
Ronald Goldman, awarding the plaintiffs damages of
eight million dollars. Reacting to the verdict,
Simpson insisted that he has nowhere near that amount
of money and that his only remaining asset is thirty
pairs of Bruno Magli shoes. [weak audience reaction,
Norm winces, removes the paper clip from his sheaf and
turns to the next story:]
[Photo of Denise Brown] As the jury's decision was
announced, Nicole Brown's sister, Denise Brown, told
reporters, quote, "I feel ecstatic!" [Photo of Johnnie
Cochran] while Johnnie Cochran said, quote, "I accept
the verdict and now we must move on." [Photo of Kato
Kaelin] Meanwhile, Kato Quolin -- Kato Kaelin, I'm
sorry -- Kato Kaelin said, quote, "Please, God, don't
let it be over!" [Norm chuckles]
[Photo of Bill Clinton] The announcement of the
verdict came toward the end of President Clinton's
annual State of the Union address and, to many
observers, completely overshadowed the event. Even the
President was distracted during his speech, waiting to
hear exactly how much it costs to kill your wife.
[audience reacts badly but then whistles and applauds]
[Photo of "suicide doctor" Jack Kevorkian] And, in
other news, authorities in Pontiac, Michigan are
trying to determine if Dr. Jack Kevorkian was involved
with the death of a woman whose body was found in the
back of his suicide van. You know, I'm no expert in
police work, but, uh, YES!
Meanwhile, five thousand disabled Americans were in
Washington last week to protest doctor-assisted
suicide. On a sad note, the demonstration turned ugly
when all five thousand disabled people fought over two
handicapped parking spaces. ... I told you it was sad,
it was sad.
[Photo of Clinton advisor Dick Morris] Disgraced
former presidential advisor Dick Morris revealed this
week that President Clinton phoned him two days after
the election. Pressed as to what the two men talked
about during their three-hour conversation, Morris
[Photo of Tonya Harding] Skater Tonya Harding, banned
from competing for the United States because of her
part in the Nancy Kerrigan attack, received a setback
this week when her request to skate for Norway was
also rejected. However, Harding remains optimistic
that she'll get the okay to compete for The Republic
[American Express corporate logo] And, in business
news, American Express has announced plans to lay off
three thousand workers. According to the company,
employees will be notified of the layoffs with pink
slips reading simply, "Don't Leave Home..."
Norm MacDonald: Now, with our old buddy Dave Spade,
here's the "Hollywood Minute" -- Hi, Dave!
David Spade: All right! Whooo! Hello, Norm.
Norm MacDonald: Hi.
David Spade: Hello, crowd. Good evening! Well, a lot
has happened in the entertainment world since I left
the show last May so let's talk about some of the
[Photo of talk show host Pat Bullard] "The Pat Bullard
Show" has been canceled. Watched it a few times but it
made me yearn for the edginess and sharp bite
of "Mike and Maty." [mild reaction from crowd] Ah,
just a little warm-up pitch. Don't get scared.
[Photo of actor Randy Spelling] Tori Spelling's
brother Randy just got hired in his dad Aaron
Spelling's other show, "Sunset Beach." Last time I saw
nepotism this bad, it was, uh-- No, wait. I've NEVER
seen nepotism this bad.
["Star Wars" movie poster] Saw the movie "Star Wars"
this weekend. It's about people flying through space
being chased by Darth Vader and storm troopers. I
really liked this movie the first time I saw it
when it was called "Star Wars"! ... Oh, wait.
[Photo of "Star Wars" producer/director George Lucas]
George Lucas was happy with "Star Wars" making
thirty-six million dollars opening weekend. Now he can
finally afford that sporty Miata he's had his eye on.
[another mild reaction] Thanks for that joke, Norm.
It's a real doozy!
[Photo of "Star Wars" actor Mark Hamill, circa 1977]
When "Star Wars" was first released twenty years ago,
I saw a picture of Mark Hamill at the premiere. He was
with two girls who on a scale of one to ten were
easily a "nine" and a "ten." Cut to the premiere a few
weeks ago and, uh... [Norm starts laughing, photo of
Hamill, circa 1997, with two less than attractive
women] Whew! Mark, may the "fours" be with you.
[Photo of actor Skeet Ulrich] Skeet Ulrich, one of the
stars of the movie "Scream." Skeet, uh, Johnny Depp
called. He needs his DNA back. ... If you could get on
[Photo of Banana Republic compact disc] I went
shopping at the Banana Republic and found out they
have a new CD of in-store music. I listened to it and,
honestly, I felt it was derivative of "J. Crew Live at
Budokan" ... Yeah, you know, not that that's bad, it's
just ... derivative.
[Photo of short-haired actress Cameron Diaz] Cameron
Diaz just cut off all her gorgeous hair. Men of
America, you can now stop spankin' it.
[Photo of late athlete Steve Prefontaine] Two movies
about Olympic runner Steve Prefontaine are coming out
at the same time. All right! They have two different
titles, though, "Snore" and "Snooze"! ... Hmm. Which
one will be first?
[Showtime movie channel corporate logo] I have
Showtime now which is like a low-ball version of HBO.
Only raunchier. So I forget I have it until Saturday
mornings when I'm flippin' through the channels and
all I see is: cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, WARNING! This
program contains explicit nudity! Yeeeaahh!
SHOWTIME!!! Whoo-hoo! Showtime, [voice drops to a
whisper] I love you. ... [to Norm] Don't judge me.
[Photo of singer James Brown] I saw the Super Bowl
halftime show. First, the good news. I heard that
James Brown's performance counted as community
service. And, uh, yeah, so there's ten minutes. [Photo
of the new Blues Brothers] And, uh, the bad news is:
did anyone see the new Blues Brother debacle? Yeah,
who greenlit this cattle drive, right? I love you guys
but why don't you go back to doing what you do best --
getting stoned and just talking about doing stuff like
[Photo of singer/actress Madonna in the film "Evita"]
Ohhh, Disney's precious "Evita"! [hick accent] Guess
what?! I didn't give a crap about the real Evita and I
really don't care about the fake one! [quietly, to
Norm] Stay close.
[Photo of singer Marilyn Manson] I have a message for,
uh, Marilyn Manson. Yeah, Satan called and, uh, first,
um, he says, Hi. And, um, your videos are giving him
nightmares. ... So if you could bring it down a notch.
[touches his own hair] Is that what my hair looks
[Photo of athlete Dennis Rodman in drag] Okay, uh,
Dennis Rodman, it's just not cute any more.
[Photo of U2 lead singer Bono] And, by the way, when
did Bono turn uncool? Five years ago, he's the biggest
rock star in the world. Now, he's like Potsie.
[Side-by-side photos of Bono and Anson Williams as
"Potsie" on the sitcom "Happy Days"] ... Seriously,
the other guys in U2 are like, "Oh my God, here comes
Bono. Don't tell him what we're doin' tonight." ...
Meanwhile, if he came in here, we'd kiss his ass.
[Glamorous photo of singer Courtney Love] Courtney
Love! Here's her latest cleaned-up look. Now she's the
kind of girl you can bring home to Mom. If your mom
likes to share needles and make out with chicks.
Back to you, Norm!
Norm MacDonald: [who has pulled his paper clip out of
shape and now twirls it in Spade's direction] David
David Spade: Thank you! [shakes hands with Norm] Good
to see you, pal! [waves to crowd, rises, exits] All
Norm MacDonald: [Photo of convicted young murderer
Lyle Menendez] This week, the California Department of
Corrections confirmed that Lyle Menendez and model
Anna Erickson were married in prison. Following the
ceremony, Menendez spent a romantic wedding night
being raped by two white guys and a big black guy.
[Photo of the Village People] TriStar Pictures is
planning a film about the '70s disco act, the Village
People. While the movie will be coming out next
summer, it plans to wait until Thanksgiving to come
out to its parents.
[Photo of Bruce Willis] Actor Bruce Willis is filming
his next movie, the "The Broadway Brawler," in
Wilmington, Delaware. [Photo of actress Demi Moore]
Meanwhile, his wife Demi Moore is taking a break from
movie work saying she wants to spend more time with
her huge breasts.
[Image of newspaper headline which reads: "Same day (&
hosp) delivery for 3 sisters"] Well, how's this for a
coincidence? Last week in New York, three sisters each
had a baby on the same day at the same hospital.
Though, it should be noted, the three women
were in different hospitals, they're not
sisters, and they didn't have babies. Also, it was,
uh, two guys. [hardly anyone laughs] Still kind of a
coincidence, you know, if you think about it...
[Image of a newspaper blurb titled "Missouri"]
According to a new ordinance in Kansas City, Missouri,
anyone convicted of indecent exposure, prostitution,
or soliciting prostitution will have his name posted
on a local cable channel. If I can be permitted a
personal comment, while the plan's goal of publicly
shaming sex offenders is well intentioned, it's
important to remember, in this democracy of ours, that
Norm MacDonald is a very common name.
[Photo of masked pop star Michael Jackson and wife
Debbie Rowe] And, finally, sources report that Michael
Jackson's baby is due February 27th and it's going to
be named Michael Jackson Junior. Michael plans to be
with the mother during the delivery, in his words, to
make up for not being there for the contra-s-- ...
[having messed up the punchline, Norm chuckles and
starts over] Sources report that Michael Jackson's
baby is due February 27th... [Norm stops reading and
says matter-of-factly] It's "conception" -- the last
word was "conception," so ...
[Scattered laughter. Applause. Music. Apparently
disgusted at having mangled the joke, Norm doesn't
even say good night -- he just grins and nods to the
camera as we dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATE graphic.]