White House For Sale

Mike McCurry.....Chevy Chase
President Bill Clnton.....Darrell Hammond
Peter Wolk.....Jim Breuer
Cheryl Wolk.....Cheri Oteri
Secretary.....Molly Shannon
Michael Brooks.....Tracy Morgan
Jason Howard.....Mark McKinney
Bob Dole.....Norm MacDonald

[ open on exterior, White House ]

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, President Bill Clinton sitting at his desk in front of a tall stack of flapjacks ]

[ Mike McCurry enters holding clipboard itinerary ]

Mike McCurry: Good morning, Mr. President.

President Bill Clinton: Mike. How are you doing?

Mike McCurry: Very good. Thank you, sir. We have a very busy day, sir. I have your itinerary right here in front of me.

President Bill Clinton: Alright, Mike.

Mike McCurry: Let's take a look. At 8:45, you're having coffee with six big contributors from Denver. They've each paid $25,000 each, so that's good.

[ couple wander into the Oval Office in their pajamas ]

Peter Wolk: Hey, do you have any syrup?

President Bill Clinton: Uh.. excuse me, but.. if you're looking for the tour, it starts downstairs..

Mike McCurry: Uh.. Mr. President, this is Cheryl and Peter Wolk. They're big contributors from the Florida Democratic community, and they're staying in the Lincoln Bedroom.

President Bill Clinton: [ laughs apologeticlaly ] I'm sorry! Thank you for your support!

Peter Wolk: Right, yeah. How about that syrup?

President Bill Clinton: Yeah.. sure. [ surrenders his bottle of syrup ]

Peter Wolk: Hey, man, can we get a TV in there, too?

Cheryl Wolk: Yeah, we're gonna miss friggin' Rosie.

Peter Wolk: Yeah.

[ couple exit the Oval Office ]

Mike McCurry: I'm sorry, sir. To continue: at 9:30, you're playing golf; nine holes with the owner of a Phillipino natural gas company. He paid $40,000. You are to lose.

President Bill Clinton: What about my education reform package?

Mike McCurry: Well, I don't know about that. [ continues ] 11:15, for $20,000, Pictionary with a Mr. & Mrs. Steven J. Peckman. Uh.. 12:10, for $9,000, you're giving Mr. Robert Sinclair's son a tennis lesson. That sounds nice.

President Bill Clinton: Wasn't I supposed to fly to Mexico City for that economic conference.

Mike McCurry: Oh, Mr. President, we couldn't use Air Force One - it's already been rented out to the guy who kicked the field goal at the Pro Bowl.

President Bill Clinton: Oh?

[ Secretary enters Oval Office ]

Secretary: Uh.. Mr. President, your 9:00 and your 9:05 are here.

[ Black Man and Excited Man enter Oval Office ]

President Bill Clinton: Who are these people?

[ Black Man steps forward eagerly ]

Mike McCurry: Uh, sir, this is Mr. Michael Brooks, he paid $200 to have his photo taken with you. Go ahead. [ Clinton flashes a wide smile ] Oh, oh, oh, oh - don't smile, sir, it's a $200 picture.

[ satisfied, Blakc Man exits Oval Office ]

Mike McCurry: [ turns Clinton to the side ] Thank you. Mr. President, just stand this way for one moment, please.

[ Excited Man kicks Clinton straight in the ass ]

President Bill Clinton: Hey!

Mike McCurry: Uh.. this is Jason Howard, he paid $5 to kick you in the ass.

President Bill Clinton: Only $5?

Mike McCurry: Well, we're running a special, sir. Every little bit helps.

Jason Howard: I only got a twenty.

Mike McCurry: That's alright. [ takes the $20 and heads for a closet, which is revealed to contain a couple of money guards ]

President Bill Clinton: Oh, Michael, I don't understand! Why do I even need all this money? I've already been re-elected.

Mike McCurry: Well.. you wanted a Democratic Congress. Campaigns cost money. [ to the money guards ] One ass kick.

President Bill Clinton: Could you just hold on a second, Michael. I mean.. what are we doing here? When did this all become about money? I mean, theyre are needy, hugry people out there, who are dependent upon me to help them improve the quality of their lives. I mean, I am the President.. of the United States.

Mike McCurry: Well, actually, sir.. as of five minutes ago, you're not. Someone paid us a million dollars to be President for the next three hours.

President Bill Clinton: Somebody paid a million dollars?

Mike McCurry: A million dollars.

President Bill Clinton: A million?

[ Bob Dole crankily enters the Oval Office ]

Bob Dole: That's right, you bet! That Superbowl commercial was worth every dime! Scram! Get the hell out of here! Bob Dole's got three hours to pick an agenda, I got it all planned out here! The first twenty minutes, pick out a new cabinet! Next half-an-hour, meet with Congress, announce a balanced budget amendment! Next ten minutes, pull out our troops from Bosnia! Next forty-five minutes, well that's nap time! Then, Bob Dole will wake up, roll back affirmative ation, that damn thing..

[ fade on Dole going crazy with his short-term power, as Clinton and McCurry exit Oval Office ]

SNL Transcripts