Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 14







96n: Alec Baldwin / Tina Turner

Bill Brasky's Funeral

First Friend of Brasky ... Mark McKinney
Second Friend of Brasky ... Will Ferrell
Third Friend of Brasky ... Alec Baldwin
Woman ... Ana Gasteyer
Fourth Friend of Brasky ... Tim Meadows

[Fade in on an image of a building with a sign reading: McKAY FUNERAL HOME. Somber organ music plays. Dissolve to the interior where a man and woman stand behind a huge wooden casket paying tearful last respects. In the background, other mourners sit in chairs awaiting the start of the funeral. The man kisses the woman, they cross themselves and exit left just as another couple enter from the right, briefly pay their respects and take a seat with the others.

Next, three mumbling members of the Brasky Bunch enter, drinking from large glasses half full of liquor, and line up at the casket as if it were the countertop of a bar. The cigarette-smoking First Friend of Brasky puts an ashtray on the casket. The Second Friend of Brasky carries a bottle. The Third Friend of Brasky wears a hat and also smokes a cigarette. They speak loudly, slurring their words drunkenly throughout:]

Third Friend of Brasky: I can't believe he's gone!

First Friend of Brasky: Best damn salesman in the office!

Second Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky was a son-of-a-bitch!

Third Friend of Brasky: I'm gonna miss him!

Second Friend of Brasky: [proposing a toast] To Bill Brasky!

All Three: [raising their glasses] Bill Brasky!

Third Friend of Brasky: A ten foot monster who slept with all of our wives!

Second Friend of Brasky: And he punched us all in the face!

First Friend of Brasky: And we LOVED him for it!

Third Friend of Brasky: He had a four day heart attack!

First Friend of Brasky: Yeah, a day for every chamber!

Second Friend of Brasky: When they did the autopsy, they said his heart was like a basketball filled with ricotta cheese!

Third Friend of Brasky: They found sixty dollars in change in his stomach!

First Friend of Brasky: Best damn salesman in the office!

Third Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky!

All Three: Bill Brasky!

Third Friend of Brasky: I remember one time Brasky took his family to Sea World--

First Friend of Brasky: I'm wearing a diaper!

Third Friend of Brasky: [after a slight pause] Anyway, they were watching Shamu the whale when Brasky got splashed!

Second Friend of Brasky: [speaks incoherently]

Third Friend of Brasky: Right. So Brasky yells, "I'm Bill Brasky and no one gets me wet!" So he climbs into the tank, grabs Shamu and throws the whale into the audience, splashes him and yells, "How do you like it?!" And then damn if Brasky didn't step in there and finish the show!

Second Friend of Brasky: That's just like Brasky!

First Friend of Brasky: You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe.

Third Friend of Brasky: He did all the make-up on the Planet of the Apes movies.

Second Friend of Brasky: He taught - he taught me how to love a woman - and how to scold a child.

First Friend of Brasky: He had dandruff the size of mice!

Second Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky!

All Three: Bill Brasky!

Second Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky took me out to go get a drink with him?

Third Friend of Brasky: I'm a convicted sex offender!

Second Friend of Brasky: [after a pause] Anyways, we go off lookin' for a bar and we can't find one. Finally, Brasky takes me into a vacant lot and says, "Here we are!" Well, we sat there for a year and a half. Sure enough, someone constructed a bar around us!

First Friend of Brasky: P. J. McGinty's!

Second Friend of Brasky: That's right, that's right! Well, the day they opened it, we ordered a shot, drank it and then burnt the place to the ground. Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, "Always leave things the way you found them!"

Third Friend of Brasky: He was a terrible man!

First Friend of Brasky: He once punched a hole in a cow just so he could see who was comin' up the road.

Third Friend of Brasky: He had nine children, all of 'em boys!

Second Friend of Brasky: Hell, he sired a baseball team.

Third Friend of Brasky: An orchestra, if you count the bastards!

Second Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky!

All Three: Bill Brasky!

Woman: [joins the three at the casket, whispering loudly] Excuse me, could you gentlemen please keep it down? This is a funeral!

First Friend of Brasky: Oh! Sorry.

Third Friend of Brasky: Sorry, sorry. Hey, you mind gettin' us some fresh ice there, girlie?

Woman: You are horrible men! [exits]

First Friend of Brasky: [continues without missing a beat] Did I ever tell you about the time I had breakfast with Brasky?

Second Friend of Brasky: My Uncle Hal molested me!

First Friend of Brasky: [after a slight pause] Anyways, Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for eight months straight. When he woke up, he rubbed his eyes and said, "All in all, I prefer gin!"

Third Friend of Brasky: That's just like Brasky!

Second Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky!

All Three: Bill Brasky!

Second Friend of Brasky: They say Gene Roddenberry got the idea for Star Trek from Brasky talkin' in his sleep!

Third Friend of Brasky: He once breast-fed an injured flamingo back to health.

First Friend of Brasky: He used to jog around the block with a fridge on his back!

Second Friend of Brasky: His poop is considered currency in Argentina!

First Friend of Brasky: He loved extension cords!

Third Friend of Brasky: He hated Mexicans!

Second Friend of Brasky: And he was half Mexican!

First Friend of Brasky: And he hated irony!

Third Friend of Brasky: He grew a third arm and kept it in a vault!

Second Friend of Brasky: He slept eight hours a night! [the others give him a puzzled look] Well, he was pretty normal when it came to that.

[A mourner, who has been sitting in the background since the sketch began, now rises with a drink in his hand and joins the three at the casket:]

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Excuse me! Are you guys talkin' about Bill Brasky?

First and Second Friend of Brasky: We certainly are!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: I know Bill Brasky!

Second Friend of Brasky: I like you!

Third Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky!

All Four: Bill Brasky!

[Suddenly, a giant hand clutching a half full glass of liquor smashes up through the top of the wooden casket. The Brasky Bunch is momentarily stunned.]

Booming Voice of Bill Brasky: I'm back! Now, top me off, you bastards!

All Four: [thrilled] Bill Brasky!

[First and Second Friend pour liquor into Brasky's glass.]

First Friend of Brasky: Here you go, buddy!

[Dissolve to photo of Alec Baldwin and some blue balloons. Fade.]


Submitted Anonymously


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