Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald ... Norm MacDonald ... Howard Stern [Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD] Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald! [Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk.] Norm MacDonald: Thank you, I'm Norm MacDonald and now the fake news. Our top story tonight: [Photo of Kenneth Starr] In a startling reversal, Kenneth Starr announced yesterday that he would NOT resign as Whitewater Special Prosecutor, and that now he intends to stay on until the investigation is completed. This new development apparently did not trouble a confident President Clinton [Photo of Bill Clinton] who still plans to resume making conjugal visits to Susan MacDougal. [Photo of handcuffed Susan MacDougal] [Side-by-side photos of Madeline Albright and Boris Yeltsin] This week in Moscow, Secretary of State Madeline Albright and Russian President Boris Yeltsin sat down to discuss the delicate issue of NATO expansion. On emerging from what was described as a tense meeting, Ms. Albright said, quote, "For this I traveled five thousand miles, to meet with some drunken meshuggah? On my worst enemy I wouldn't wish this." [Photo of John Huang] Meanwhile, the Indogate scandal continues to widen. Internal Democratic National Committee records now show that fundraiser John Huang was responsible for bringing two Chinese businessmen to the White House for a $180,000 "coffee" with the President. That works out to $90,000 for a cup of coffee, although, in the President's defense, the coffee was Starbucks. ... [mild reaction from crowd so Norm explains] Starbucks is a little pricey. [Photo of Janet Reno] Also this week in Washington, several prominent Democrats joined Republicans in pleading with Attorney General Janet Reno to investigate fundraising abuses. And also to shave. [Photo of Fred Goldman] At a book signing in New York this week, Fred Goldman once again offered to forget the millions owed to him by O. J. Simpson, if he would simply admit to the Brentwood murders. [Photo of smiling O. J. Simpson] A visibly annoyed O. J. responded, "Why in the world would I do that, when I have no intention of paying you anyway?" [Graphic of dollar bill and commercial airliner with text reading PRICE WAR] After American Airlines decided this week to cut fares by fifty percent, the four other major airlines said they would match the bargain ticket prices. Also fighting to stay competitive, discount carrier ValuJet [ValuJet corporate logo] announced that it will now accept stolen credit cards and bad checks. [Photo of masked pop singer Michael Jackson] Michael Jackson has reportedly stepped right into his new role as a dad, spending many hours a day with his newborn son, doing the changing, the burping, even the breast-feeding, so ... That's nice when a - when a fellow does that, you know? In Wisconsin, students at Menomonee High School are desperately fighting efforts by the politically correct to change their team nickname, "the Indians." Already opponents of the name have rejected the students' first compromise, "the Drunken Indians." ... They feel that's almost worse in a way, you know? [Photo of a cow] "Bessie the Cow," the most famous bovine citizen of San Antonio, Texas, is now listed in "Ripley's Believe It or Not" after giving birth to her tenth set of calf twins. Bessie also made "Ripley's" under the category "Least Original Name for a Cow." [Photo of Jack Kevorkian] And, finally, in medical news there are reports that suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian is considering retirement. As Kevorkian put it: "I always said I'd quit the day it stopped being fun." Norm MacDonald: Now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment we've all been waiting for here -- the King of All Media, Howard Stern! [Cheers and applause as we pan over to radio personality Howard Stern seated next to Norm. They shake hands.] Howard Stern: Thank you, Norm. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You know - you know, a lot of people are wondering what I'm doin' here tonight and quite frankly I'm wondering what I'm doin' here as well. Actually, I'm, uh, on the road promoting my new movie -- it's opening up March 7th, it's called "Private Parts" -- I want to invite all of America to come see it. That's what I'm doin' here 'cause, quite frankly, I - I, uh... [Norm chuckles] I didn't want to come here tonight. Norm MacDonald: You didn't want to come here? Howard Stern: Well, I'm here under the guise that I'm the, actually, the, uh-- What would you call me? Norm MacDonald: You're the television critic! Howard Stern: Television critic! What a lame premise. But, uh, yes, I'm the Television Critic and I must tell you that I'm here to review Saturday Night Live. And I'm here to say that I think that ninety percent of Saturday Night Live sucks. Uh, the sketches are kind of weak, I think we'll all agree. I think the only good thing on Saturday Night Live is Norm -- quite frankly, that's why I'm here. [applause, Norm grins] He loves when I say that. Norm MacDonald: No, no, I - I feel, like, I - I feel bashful when you say that. Howard Stern: [not convinced] Oh, really?! So, anyway, no, Norm is, uh - Norm is the fun aspect of this thing and I-- You know, they even asked me to do a couple of sketches... Norm MacDonald: [encouragingly] Yeah, yeah! Howard Stern: ... and I refused. Well, it didn't go well. I suggested a couple of sketches. So what I said to them was, tell you what, you have Kathie Lee and Regis. And they're talkin' about me and they're saying bad stuff about me and, you know, Kathie Lee's like "I can't believe he has a movie comin' out and all this and - and he makes fun of Cody and calls him the Incubus and he says I hope Cody grows up to be like a gay senator or something..." and it's - it's all wrong so I figured, while they're bad-mouthing me, I come in disguise as Fartman, my superhero character, and I just blow Kathie Lee's head off. And this would have been a great sketch. [cheers] Norm MacDonald: Yeah. Howard Stern: You know what I mean? But they told me that I couldn't do it because they didn't have enough time to make, uh, Kathie Lee's head explode, you know. So, then I said, what if we do a sketch where, me as Fartman, I come into Elizabeth Taylor's hospital room and while I'm in there I just blow that tumor right out of her head. And she's in a coma and the tumor just lands in a chocolate box and then Liz, when she wakes up, grabs the tumor thinking it's chocolate and eats it. Be a phenomenal sketch! But, anyway, they wouldn't let me do any of this outrageous stuff, so I'm here to behave myself basically and just promote my movie. So what I thought I'd do tonight, Norm, is give everybody a first look at a clip from my movie, "Private Parts." Norm MacDonald: That'd be cool. Howard Stern: This is me, take a look at this, this is me when I'm a young disc jockey. I looked a lot different. I had a very geeky hairstyle, as opposed to my Louis XIV look that I have now. And it was the first time while I was in Hartford and a celebrity actually came on to me. I mean, she invited me up to her hotel room and I want to show that right now, if you don't mind. So take a look at this clip, this is from "Private Parts" the movie, March 7th. Go ahead. ["Private Parts" movie clip: in a hotel room, a big-haired sexy starlet in a short sparkling dress escorts young Howard Stern to a sofa.] Starlet: Sit down. Young Howard Stern: [off the room] Nice. [Howard sits] Starlet: I'll be right back. Young Howard Stern: Okay. [watches her walk into the bathroom, turn the light on, remove her shoes] Fred Norris: [Howard's sound effects guy, at a wet bar, to Howard] Hey, man. Free drinks. [starts fixing a drink] Young Howard Stern: [clears his throat, watches starlet run bath water, murmurs quietly] What the hell is she doing? Fred Norris: I think she's running the bath. [Both men watch as the starlet unzips the back of her dress] Young Howard Stern: Oh, my God, man. She's taking her clothes off. Fred Norris: I guess she forgot to close the door. Young Howard Stern: She's a Hollywood actress, they have a lot on their mind. [Returning from the clip, we find Norm and Howard peering at the off screen monitor and seven bikini-clad women making out with each other behind the WU desk.] Howard Stern: Well, there it is! [some of the women start running their hands sensuously over Howard and Norm] That's a clip from the movie "Private Parts" -- I think everybody's gonna love it. I suggest you go to the theater and, quite frankly, it's a very sensitive love story between me and my wife. And you see what's going on here, Norm? Norm MacDonald: Yeah, sure. Howard Stern: A lot of this kind of stuff isn't in my movie at all. [one woman drops into Howard's lap, women swarm all over Norm and Howard] Norm MacDonald: Is there any of it at all? Howard Stern: Well, some of this kind of stuff is in my movie but it's not all of this kind of stuff. Norm MacDonald: [woman climbs into Norm's lap] All right, Howard. Howard Stern: And you're really going to love it. I want everybody to go to the theaters. It's me as a disc jockey coming on and becoming The King of All Media. I think you're gonna love it. Good night, everybody! Norm MacDonald: Howard Stern, folks! [Norm waves goodbye from beneath a couple of women, one of whom is trying to remove his jacket. Applause. Music. Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATE graphic.] Submitted Anonymously SNL Transcripts