Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
... Norm MacDonald
... Howard Stern
[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm
[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you, I'm Norm MacDonald
and now the fake news. Our top story tonight:
[Photo of Kenneth Starr] In a startling reversal,
Kenneth Starr announced yesterday that he would NOT
resign as Whitewater Special Prosecutor, and that now
he intends to stay on until the investigation is
completed. This new development apparently did not
trouble a confident President Clinton [Photo of Bill
Clinton] who still plans to resume making conjugal
visits to Susan MacDougal. [Photo of handcuffed Susan
[Side-by-side photos of Madeline Albright and Boris
Yeltsin] This week in Moscow, Secretary of State
Madeline Albright and Russian President Boris Yeltsin
sat down to discuss the delicate issue of NATO
expansion. On emerging from what was described as a
tense meeting, Ms. Albright said, quote, "For this I
traveled five thousand miles, to meet with some
drunken meshuggah? On my worst enemy I wouldn't wish
[Photo of John Huang] Meanwhile, the Indogate scandal
continues to widen. Internal Democratic National
Committee records now show that fundraiser John Huang
was responsible for bringing two Chinese businessmen
to the White House for a $180,000 "coffee" with the
President. That works out to $90,000 for a cup of
coffee, although, in the President's defense, the
coffee was Starbucks. ... [mild reaction from crowd so
Norm explains] Starbucks is a little pricey.
[Photo of Janet Reno] Also this week in Washington,
several prominent Democrats joined Republicans in
pleading with Attorney General Janet Reno to
investigate fundraising abuses. And also to
[Photo of Fred Goldman] At a book signing in New York
this week, Fred Goldman once again offered to forget
the millions owed to him by O. J. Simpson, if he would
simply admit to the Brentwood murders. [Photo of
smiling O. J. Simpson] A visibly annoyed O. J.
responded, "Why in the world would I do that, when I
have no intention of paying you anyway?"
[Graphic of dollar bill and commercial airliner with
text reading PRICE WAR] After American Airlines
decided this week to cut fares by fifty percent, the
four other major airlines said they would match the
bargain ticket prices. Also fighting to stay
competitive, discount carrier ValuJet [ValuJet
corporate logo] announced that it will now accept
stolen credit cards and bad checks.
[Photo of masked pop singer Michael Jackson] Michael
Jackson has reportedly stepped right into his new role
as a dad, spending many hours a day with his newborn
son, doing the changing, the burping, even the
breast-feeding, so ... That's nice when a - when a
fellow does that, you know?
In Wisconsin, students at Menomonee High School are
desperately fighting efforts by the politically
correct to change their team nickname, "the Indians."
Already opponents of the name have rejected the
students' first compromise, "the Drunken Indians." ...
They feel that's almost worse in a way, you
[Photo of a cow] "Bessie the Cow," the most famous
bovine citizen of San Antonio, Texas, is now listed in
"Ripley's Believe It or Not" after giving birth to her
tenth set of calf twins. Bessie also made "Ripley's"
under the category "Least Original Name for a Cow."
[Photo of Jack Kevorkian] And, finally, in medical
news there are reports that suicide doctor Jack
Kevorkian is considering retirement. As Kevorkian put
it: "I always said I'd quit the day it stopped being
Norm MacDonald: Now, ladies and gentlemen, the
moment we've all been waiting for here -- the King of
All Media, Howard Stern!
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to radio
personality Howard Stern seated next to Norm. They
Howard Stern: Thank you, Norm. Thank you. Thank
you. Thank you. You know - you know, a lot of people
are wondering what I'm doin' here tonight and quite
frankly I'm wondering what I'm doin' here as well.
Actually, I'm, uh, on the road promoting my new movie
-- it's opening up March 7th, it's called "Private
Parts" -- I want to invite all of America to come see
it. That's what I'm doin' here 'cause, quite frankly,
I - I, uh... [Norm chuckles] I didn't want to come
Norm MacDonald: You didn't want to come
Howard Stern: Well, I'm here under the guise
that I'm the, actually, the, uh-- What would you call
Norm MacDonald: You're the television
Howard Stern: Television critic! What a lame
premise. But, uh, yes, I'm the Television Critic and I
must tell you that I'm here to review Saturday Night
Live. And I'm here to say that I think that ninety
percent of Saturday Night Live sucks. Uh, the sketches
are kind of weak, I think we'll all agree. I think the
only good thing on Saturday Night Live is Norm --
quite frankly, that's why I'm here. [applause, Norm
grins] He loves when I say that.
Norm MacDonald: No, no, I - I feel, like, I - I
feel bashful when you say that.
Howard Stern: [not convinced] Oh, really?! So,
anyway, no, Norm is, uh - Norm is the fun aspect of
this thing and I-- You know, they even asked me to do
a couple of sketches...
Norm MacDonald: [encouragingly] Yeah,
Howard Stern: ... and I refused. Well, it
didn't go well. I suggested a couple of sketches. So
what I said to them was, tell you what, you have
Kathie Lee and Regis. And they're talkin' about me and
they're saying bad stuff about me and, you know,
Kathie Lee's like "I can't believe he has a movie
comin' out and all this and - and he makes fun of Cody
and calls him the Incubus and he says I hope Cody
grows up to be like a gay senator or something..." and
it's - it's all wrong so I figured, while they're
bad-mouthing me, I come in disguise as Fartman, my
superhero character, and I just blow Kathie Lee's head
off. And this would have been a great sketch. [cheers]
Norm MacDonald: Yeah.
Howard Stern: You know what I mean? But they
told me that I couldn't do it because they didn't have
enough time to make, uh, Kathie Lee's head explode,
you know. So, then I said, what if we do a sketch
where, me as Fartman, I come into Elizabeth Taylor's
hospital room and while I'm in there I just blow that
tumor right out of her head. And she's in a coma and
the tumor just lands in a chocolate box and then Liz,
when she wakes up, grabs the tumor thinking it's
chocolate and eats it. Be a phenomenal sketch! But,
anyway, they wouldn't let me do any of this outrageous
stuff, so I'm here to behave myself basically and just
promote my movie. So what I thought I'd do tonight,
Norm, is give everybody a first look at a clip from my
movie, "Private Parts."
Norm MacDonald: That'd be cool.
Howard Stern: This is me, take a look at this,
this is me when I'm a young disc jockey. I looked a
lot different. I had a very geeky hairstyle, as
opposed to my Louis XIV look that I have now. And it
was the first time while I was in Hartford and a
celebrity actually came on to me. I mean, she invited
me up to her hotel room and I want to show that right
now, if you don't mind. So take a look at this clip,
this is from "Private Parts" the movie, March 7th. Go
["Private Parts" movie clip: in a hotel room, a
big-haired sexy starlet in a short sparkling dress
escorts young Howard Stern to a sofa.]
Starlet: Sit down.
Young Howard Stern: [off the room] Nice.
Starlet: I'll be right back.
Young Howard Stern: Okay. [watches her walk
into the bathroom, turn the light on, remove her
Fred Norris: [Howard's sound effects guy, at a
wet bar, to Howard] Hey, man. Free drinks. [starts
fixing a drink]
Young Howard Stern: [clears his throat, watches
starlet run bath water, murmurs quietly] What the hell
is she doing?
Fred Norris: I think she's running the
[Both men watch as the starlet unzips the back of her
Young Howard Stern: Oh, my God, man. She's
taking her clothes off.
Fred Norris: I guess she forgot to close the
Young Howard Stern: She's a Hollywood actress,
they have a lot on their mind.
[Returning from the clip, we find Norm and Howard
peering at the off screen monitor and seven
bikini-clad women making out with each other behind
the WU desk.]
Howard Stern: Well, there it is! [some of the
women start running their hands sensuously over Howard
and Norm] That's a clip from the movie "Private Parts"
-- I think everybody's gonna love it. I suggest you go
to the theater and, quite frankly, it's a very
sensitive love story between me and my wife. And you
see what's going on here, Norm?
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, sure.
Howard Stern: A lot of this kind of stuff isn't
in my movie at all. [one woman drops into Howard's
lap, women swarm all over Norm and Howard]
Norm MacDonald: Is there any of it at
Howard Stern: Well, some of this kind of stuff
is in my movie but it's not all of this kind of
Norm MacDonald: [woman climbs into Norm's lap]
All right, Howard.
Howard Stern: And you're really going to love
it. I want everybody to go to the theaters. It's me as
a disc jockey coming on and becoming The King of All
Media. I think you're gonna love it. Good night,
Norm MacDonald: Howard Stern, folks!
[Norm waves goodbye from beneath a couple of women,
one of whom is trying to remove his jacket. Applause.
Music. Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATE