Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

... Norm MacDonald
... Colin Quinn
Joanna Pacitti ... Cheri Oteri
Brittny Kissinger ... Ana Gasteyer

[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk.]

Norm MacDonald: Oh, thank you. I'm Norm MacDonald and now the fake news. Our top story tonight:

Yesterday, President Clinton underwent a two hour operation to repair damage to his knee suffered in a fall while visiting in Florida at the home of professional golfer Greg Norman. Many were surprised to hear that the two were on friendly terms since Greg Norman had once threatened that if he ever caught Clinton with his wife again he'd smash his kneecap with a 5-iron.

The President spent last night at Bethesda Naval Hospital in a private room which he shared with three Chinese businessmen who came up with the required two hundred thousand dollars. [applause]

More bad news for O. J. This week, Harper Collins reached an agreement with the Brown family to publish his late wife's diary. Especially troublesome to Simpson is this final entry: "Dear Diary, I have to run now because O. J.'s here to murder me ... and also the guy who returned my glasses. I think he might murder him, too!"

In North Carolina, a legislative panel has agreed on a bill which guarantees a murder victim's family two front-row seats to watch the execution. The ruling has angered both North Carolina's death penalty opponents AND death penalty season ticket holders.

And in Fairbanks, Alaska, a new high-tech emergency phone system will give operators the name and address of anyone who calls 911. [pulls a small tape recorder out of his jacket pocket, activates it, and speaks quietly into it] Note to self: Ahh, don't make any more prank 911 calls ... in Fairbanks, Alaska. [tries to return recorder, misses pocket several times] ... I know I have a pocket here somewhere ...

President Clinton this week declined an offer by Republicans to form a bipartisan commission to scale back annual increases in Social Security. Asked why he rejected the proposal, the President said, quote: "Personally, I liked the idea of a bipartisan commission. However, the two Chinese guys who gave me a million dollars, they - they didn't go for it!" ... They - they just didn't like the idea.

[Photo of Heinz ketchup bottle label] And in financial news, H. J. Heinz has announced plans to lay off three thousand workers. According to company spokesmen, employees who refuse to budge will be turned over and shaken vigorously until they slide out. ... [applause] ... Much like ketchup!

Norm MacDonald: Well, St. Patrick's Day is almost upon us. Here with an editorial, my good friend, Colin Quinn! Hey, Colin. [cheers and applause, pan over to a slightly drunken Colin Quinn who waves to the camera and holds a clear plastic cup which is half full of ice cubes and wine]

Colin Quinn: Thank you, Norm. Thank you. Last year at this time, I told you about some of the St. Patrick's Day hazards. But it's more than wearing green and punching people in the face. It's supposed to honor Saint Patrick, a thirteenth century saint who wore green and punched people in the face. I remember one year, I went to the parade, I got all dressed up in the religious garb of the holiday: the buttons, the derby, the shillelagh, and I had the half pint of Southern Comfort, all the trappings of New York, enfant terrible, whatever. [to Norm who has said nothing] What? [drinks from his cup]

Norm MacDonald: Started celebrating a little early there, did ya, Col?

Colin Quinn: [laughs, wipes his mouth, garbles his next line] On those St. Patrick's Day's you flound out-- You flound-- Flah-- Found out. Found out. [to Norm] See, you messed me up.

Norm MacDonald: [quietly supportive] No, no. Just keep going, it's good.

Colin Quinn: [to Norm, waving dismissively] You're ridiculous. You're a ridiculous person. [tries to continue] If you found out that your green beer-- [to Norm] I'm tryin' to say somethin' here.

Norm MacDonald: I - I know. Colin, it's good. Keep going.

Colin Quinn: [sarcastic, to Norm] Oh, thank you for your approval ... Mr. Weekend Update Witty Comedian, whatever ... All right. You said I'm doin' good so I must be doin' good, then. Thanks. [knocks cup over, spilling ice on Update desk, then pushes ice back into cup]

Norm MacDonald: [to the camera] It's live TV, folks, I'm sorry about--

Colin Quinn: You never knocked over a cup before, Norm? We had free wine backstage after the thing, so...

Norm MacDonald: What do you mean, "we"? Who's "we"?

Colin Quinn: We, we. We, me, you. Look ... It's ridiculous. Now, I gotta hear from Lorne Michaels, you know, "This is not the way we do it on the show. You gotta play by the rules." And Jim Downey, "Colin, that's not how we do things." I wanted to talk about St. Patrick's Day. And they made me cut out the part that I was - needed to explain to you people.

Norm MacDonald: All right. [tries to wrap it up] Colin Quinn, everybody! Colin Quinn!

Colin Quinn: Don't do that, Norm! Don't you dare do that! Don't you patronize me!

Norm MacDonald: No, I'm not, uh--

Colin Quinn: I was a comedian longer than you! I was on "Remote Control," Norm! [cheers and applause] Yeah. You infantile jerk. Garbage. This is bush league! Garbage! Bush league! Bush league!

Norm MacDonald: [gestures to someone off screen] Okay, come on in, please. [two uniformed security guards enter and gesture for Colin to leave quietly] Sorry, Colin.

Colin Quinn: [willingly rises] Okay! You're bush league, Norm. Bush league. [exits with guards, applause]

Norm MacDonald: He's a - he's a - he's a - the guy just shouldn't - he shouldn't drink. He's a good - he's a good guy.

In Portland, Oregon, eight anthropologists are in court arguing the constitutional right to study a ninety-three hundred year old Native American skeleton which a local tribe wants to re-bury. Though the case has merit, authorities are suspicious that one of the people involved in the suit is not really an anthropologist. [Photo of Michael Jackson, Norm jerks a thumb at the photo frantically] It's - it's this guy over here!

In New York, police have arrested a local Queens man, whom they are calling the "serial fondler." Apparently, the man suffers from an intense desire to run up behind women and squeeze their buttocks. Psychologists call this impulse, quote, "normal."

This week, the White House asked Congress to authorize one hundred and seventy-five billion dollars in funds for highway construction, mass transit, and other transportation projects. The President's plan has significant support in Congress but many Washington insiders are wondering how exactly this benefits China.

In New Mexico this week, lawmakers passed a measure to abolish the state's fifteen year statute of limitations on first-degree murder. [pulls out recorder again] Note to self: Cancel plans to return to New Mexico. [nods thoughtfully, grins, returns recorder]

Asked recently what will set his new Batman film apart from it's predecessors, "Batman and Robin" director Joel Schumacher said, quote: "In this one, all the costumes will have nipples." [Norm pulls out recorder one last time] Note to self: Do not watch the next "Batman and Robin." [nods, grins, returns recorder]

In Duluth, Minnesota, authorities suspect arson was to blame for a fire that destroyed a mobile home and killed seventy-three cats. The chief suspect so far: this dog. [Photo of dog] ... Dogs don't care for cats much, you know? [chuckles] How could they not know that?!

Norm MacDonald: The revival of the musical "Annie" is soon to hit Broadway but not without controversy. Last year, or last week, rather, the star of the show, twelve year old Joanna Pacitti was abruptly replaced with her eight year old understudy, Brittny Kissinger. We have invited the recently fired tot to Update to see how she is dealing with this unfortunate turn of events. Hi, Joanna! [applause for a grinning, robotic Joanna Pacitti, dressed as Little Orphan Annie in red wig, red and white dress, etc. She is an obnoxiously loud and chipper psycho-Annie.]

Joanna Pacitti: Hi, Norm!

Norm MacDonald: H-hi. Gee, Joanna, you know, I'm really sorry to hear what happened. You've been through a lot in these past few weeks and-- How are you dealing with all this?

Joanna Pacitti: Well, Norm, I just think, "Hey! What would Annie do?!" And she'd say, "Gosh! It's a hard knock life but the sun'll come out tomorrow!" [takes a deep breath and starts to sing] The--

Norm MacDonald: [quickly interrupts] Oooookay, okay. Okay, that's good. Now, you know, uh, I see you're still wearing the costume from the show. You're gonna be takin' that off soon I guess, huh?

Joanna Pacitti: What costume, Norm?!

Norm MacDonald: Okay, I, uh-- I hear now also that you've been - you've been postering child-- you've been pestering, rather, child welfare to place you in an orphanage. Why, why an orphanage?

Joanna Pacitti: Well, where else would an orphan stay, silly?! I mean, a chicken stays in a chicken coop, right?! Here, Sandy! Wanna treat?! [puts a furry, mechanical toy pig on the Update desk and offers it a dog treat shaped like a bone] Fetch! Catch! Jump, Sandy! FETCH, SANDY!!! [hurls the treat away as Norm chuckles nervously at her irrational behavior, the pig oinks and wiggles its tail]

Norm MacDonald: Hey, ya got a toy pig, there. [Joanna is so preoccupied with Sandy the pig that Norm must raise his voice to get her attention] Listen, uh, you know, Joanna, Joanne! Uh, there's someone else who's concerned about you and, uh, would like to wish you well, we've got here on, uh--

Joanna Pacitti: Daddy Warbucks?!

Norm MacDonald: No, no, it's not Daddy Warbucks. No. No, it's your replacement, it's adorable Brittny Kissinger, coming to us live from rehearsal. Hi, Brittny!

[Cut to Brittny Kissinger, just as obnoxiously loud and chipper as Joanna and also dressed as Little Orphan Annie. She stands in front of a brick wall upon which is painted: Martin Beck Theatre STAGE DOOR. SUPER: Live / Martin Beck Theatre]

Brittny Kissinger: Hi, Norm! I'm havin' a blast!

[Cut back to the WU desk where Joanna has torn off her red wig and is crying silently at the sight of Brittny as Annie]

Norm MacDonald: Oh, that's great! Brittny ... Brittny, is there something you want to say to Joanne here?

[Cut to Brittny]

Brittny Kissinger: There sure is, Norm!
[piano music in, sings the show's hit song, "Tomorrow"]
The sun'll come out tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun!

[Cut to Joanna, clutching her wig, her make-up smeared, crying horribly; Cut to Brittny, singing her heart out]

Brittny Kissinger: [sings]
Jus' thinking about tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow
Till there's none

[Cut to Joanna, a lit cigarette in her mouth as she repeatedly and violently stabs Sandy the pig with a huge knife; Cut to Brittny]

Brittny Kissinger: [sings]
Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow,
You're always a day away!
Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow,
You're always ...

[Cut to Joanna, kneeling atop the WU desk, cigarette still in mouth, waving a gun, screaming incomprehensibly; the two security guards return to grab her]

Joanna Pacitti: ... a day away! [yelling at the guards as they try to drag her off] Get off me! Get off me! I'm the real Annie! Get off me, you fat bastard! Get off me, you fat bastard!

[Joanna and the guards exit, applause - During the struggle, Joanna's lit cigarette pops out of her mouth and lands on the desk, right next to Norm who focuses all his attention on it. He picks it up and looks around for a way to dispose of it. When it becomes clear that no one is coming to take the burning butt away, he finally holds it casually and addresses the camera.]

Norm MacDonald: [ironic] Well, that was fun, wasn't it? [tries to balance the cigarette on its filter atop the desk but someone off screen gets his attention] What's that? Yeah, I know. [sees the cue card] Oh, you want me to say that? [looks off screen for confirmation] You'd like me to say that? [reads off cue card] "Thanks, ladies. And parents: keep your kids out of show business!" [turns to another camera] I said it!

Weekend Update's... [the screen abruptly goes dark, view shifts to another camera, Norm doesn't realize this and continues to face the dead camera while trying to hold the cigarette nonchalantly] ... 1997 survey of the "Most Dangerous Jobs in America" is out today. The biggest change, last year's Number One, "West Coast Rap Star"-- [Norm finally realizes he's looking into the wrong camera, looks into the live camera] You know, it would probably be better if I was over on this camera... [cheers and applause, the view shifts, a grinning Norm turns to the live camera] Okay. Well, now that I'm over on this camera, it'd probably be better if you put the cards over here! [greater cheers and applause, Norm puts the cigarette on the edge of the desk, starts reading the cue cards again] ... last year's Number One ... [stops reading] Let's-- Why don't we start at the start of the joke now?! [long pause while the cue card person organizes the cards] Okay, no, this is all right. I'll just make it up. ...

The 1997 "Most Dangerous Jobs in America" is out. And this year a little bit of a change. Last year's Number One -- "West Coast Rap Star"... [Norm glances around as if expecting another screw-up] ... has been knocked out of the top spot by the new most dangerous job in America: "East Coast Rap Star." [mild reaction from the crowd] ... Imagine if it had all gone well! [applause as Norm grins and nods]

And, finally, next week, people everywhere will celebrate St. Patrick's Day. Or, as alcoholics refer to it, Monday.

That's it, folks! Good night!

[Norm flashes a peace sign and starts taking the microphone off his necktie. Applause. Music. Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATE graphic.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts