Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
... Norm MacDonald
... Colin Quinn
Joanna Pacitti ... Cheri Oteri
Brittny Kissinger ... Ana Gasteyer
[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm
[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk.]
Norm MacDonald: Oh, thank you. I'm Norm
MacDonald and now the fake news. Our top story
Yesterday, President Clinton underwent a two hour
operation to repair damage to his knee suffered in a
fall while visiting in Florida at the home of
professional golfer Greg Norman. Many were surprised
to hear that the two were on friendly terms since Greg
Norman had once threatened that if he ever caught
Clinton with his wife again he'd smash his kneecap
with a 5-iron.
The President spent last night at Bethesda Naval
Hospital in a private room which he shared with three
Chinese businessmen who came up with the required two
hundred thousand dollars. [applause]
More bad news for O. J. This week, Harper Collins
reached an agreement with the Brown family to publish
his late wife's diary. Especially troublesome to
Simpson is this final entry: "Dear Diary, I have to
run now because O. J.'s here to murder me ... and also
the guy who returned my glasses. I think he might
murder him, too!"
In North Carolina, a legislative panel has agreed on a
bill which guarantees a murder victim's family two
front-row seats to watch the execution. The ruling has
angered both North Carolina's death penalty opponents
AND death penalty season ticket holders.
And in Fairbanks, Alaska, a new high-tech emergency
phone system will give operators the name and address
of anyone who calls 911. [pulls a small tape recorder
out of his jacket pocket, activates it, and speaks
quietly into it] Note to self: Ahh, don't make any
more prank 911 calls ... in Fairbanks, Alaska. [tries
to return recorder, misses pocket several times] ... I
know I have a pocket here somewhere ...
President Clinton this week declined an offer by
Republicans to form a bipartisan commission to scale
back annual increases in Social Security. Asked why he
rejected the proposal, the President said, quote:
"Personally, I liked the idea of a bipartisan
commission. However, the two Chinese guys who gave me
a million dollars, they - they didn't go for it!" ...
They - they just didn't like the idea.
[Photo of Heinz ketchup bottle label] And in financial
news, H. J. Heinz has announced plans to lay off three
thousand workers. According to company spokesmen,
employees who refuse to budge will be turned over and
shaken vigorously until they slide out. ... [applause]
... Much like ketchup!
Norm MacDonald: Well, St. Patrick's Day is
almost upon us. Here with an editorial, my good
friend, Colin Quinn! Hey, Colin. [cheers and applause,
pan over to a slightly drunken Colin Quinn who waves
to the camera and holds a clear plastic cup which is
half full of ice cubes and wine]
Colin Quinn: Thank you, Norm. Thank you. Last
year at this time, I told you about some of the St.
Patrick's Day hazards. But it's more than wearing
green and punching people in the face. It's supposed
to honor Saint Patrick, a thirteenth century saint who
wore green and punched people in the face. I remember
one year, I went to the parade, I got all dressed up
in the religious garb of the holiday: the buttons, the
derby, the shillelagh, and I had the half pint of
Southern Comfort, all the trappings of New York,
enfant terrible, whatever. [to Norm who has said
nothing] What? [drinks from his cup]
Norm MacDonald: Started celebrating a little
early there, did ya, Col?
Colin Quinn: [laughs, wipes his mouth, garbles
his next line] On those St. Patrick's Day's you flound
out-- You flound-- Flah-- Found out. Found out. [to
Norm] See, you messed me up.
Norm MacDonald: [quietly supportive] No, no.
Just keep going, it's good.
Colin Quinn: [to Norm, waving dismissively]
You're ridiculous. You're a ridiculous person. [tries
to continue] If you found out that your green beer--
[to Norm] I'm tryin' to say somethin' here.
Norm MacDonald: I - I know. Colin, it's good.
Colin Quinn: [sarcastic, to Norm] Oh, thank you
for your approval ... Mr. Weekend Update Witty
Comedian, whatever ... All right. You said I'm doin'
good so I must be doin' good, then. Thanks. [knocks
cup over, spilling ice on Update desk, then pushes ice
back into cup]
Norm MacDonald: [to the camera] It's live TV,
folks, I'm sorry about--
Colin Quinn: You never knocked over a cup
before, Norm? We had free wine backstage after the
Norm MacDonald: What do you mean, "we"? Who's
Colin Quinn: We, we. We, me, you. Look ... It's
ridiculous. Now, I gotta hear from Lorne Michaels, you
know, "This is not the way we do it on the show. You
gotta play by the rules." And Jim Downey, "Colin,
that's not how we do things." I wanted to talk about
St. Patrick's Day. And they made me cut out the part
that I was - needed to explain to you people.
Norm MacDonald: All right. [tries to wrap it
up] Colin Quinn, everybody! Colin Quinn!
Colin Quinn: Don't do that, Norm! Don't you
dare do that! Don't you patronize me!
Norm MacDonald: No, I'm not, uh--
Colin Quinn: I was a comedian longer than you!
I was on "Remote Control," Norm! [cheers and applause]
Yeah. You infantile jerk. Garbage. This is bush
league! Garbage! Bush league! Bush league!
Norm MacDonald: [gestures to someone off
screen] Okay, come on in, please. [two uniformed
security guards enter and gesture for Colin to leave
quietly] Sorry, Colin.
Colin Quinn: [willingly rises] Okay! You're
bush league, Norm. Bush league. [exits with guards,
Norm MacDonald: He's a - he's a - he's a - the
guy just shouldn't - he shouldn't drink. He's a good -
he's a good guy.
In Portland, Oregon, eight anthropologists are in
court arguing the constitutional right to study a
ninety-three hundred year old Native American skeleton
which a local tribe wants to re-bury. Though the case
has merit, authorities are suspicious that one of the
people involved in the suit is not really an
anthropologist. [Photo of Michael Jackson, Norm jerks
a thumb at the photo frantically] It's - it's this guy
In New York, police have arrested a local Queens man,
whom they are calling the "serial fondler."
Apparently, the man suffers from an intense desire to
run up behind women and squeeze their buttocks.
Psychologists call this impulse, quote, "normal."
This week, the White House asked Congress to authorize
one hundred and seventy-five billion dollars in funds
for highway construction, mass transit, and other
transportation projects. The President's plan has
significant support in Congress but many Washington
insiders are wondering how exactly this benefits
In New Mexico this week, lawmakers passed a measure to
abolish the state's fifteen year statute of
limitations on first-degree murder. [pulls out
recorder again] Note to self: Cancel plans to return
to New Mexico. [nods thoughtfully, grins, returns
Asked recently what will set his new Batman film apart
from it's predecessors, "Batman and Robin" director
Joel Schumacher said, quote: "In this one, all the
costumes will have nipples." [Norm pulls out recorder
one last time] Note to self: Do not watch the next
"Batman and Robin." [nods, grins, returns
In Duluth, Minnesota, authorities suspect arson was to
blame for a fire that destroyed a mobile home and
killed seventy-three cats. The chief suspect so far:
this dog. [Photo of dog] ... Dogs don't care for cats
much, you know? [chuckles] How could they not know
Norm MacDonald: The revival of the musical
"Annie" is soon to hit Broadway but not without
controversy. Last year, or last week, rather, the star
of the show, twelve year old Joanna Pacitti was
abruptly replaced with her eight year old understudy,
Brittny Kissinger. We have invited the recently fired
tot to Update to see how she is dealing with this
unfortunate turn of events. Hi, Joanna! [applause for
a grinning, robotic Joanna Pacitti, dressed as Little
Orphan Annie in red wig, red and white dress, etc. She
is an obnoxiously loud and chipper
Joanna Pacitti: Hi, Norm!
Norm MacDonald: H-hi. Gee, Joanna, you know,
I'm really sorry to hear what happened. You've been
through a lot in these past few weeks and-- How are
you dealing with all this?
Joanna Pacitti: Well, Norm, I just think, "Hey!
What would Annie do?!" And she'd say, "Gosh! It's a
hard knock life but the sun'll come out tomorrow!"
[takes a deep breath and starts to sing] The--
Norm MacDonald: [quickly interrupts] Oooookay,
okay. Okay, that's good. Now, you know, uh, I see
you're still wearing the costume from the show. You're
gonna be takin' that off soon I guess, huh?
Joanna Pacitti: What costume, Norm?!
Norm MacDonald: Okay, I, uh-- I hear now also
that you've been - you've been postering child--
you've been pestering, rather, child welfare to place
you in an orphanage. Why, why an orphanage?
Joanna Pacitti: Well, where else would an
orphan stay, silly?! I mean, a chicken stays in a
chicken coop, right?! Here, Sandy! Wanna treat?! [puts
a furry, mechanical toy pig on the Update desk and
offers it a dog treat shaped like a bone] Fetch!
Catch! Jump, Sandy! FETCH, SANDY!!! [hurls the treat
away as Norm chuckles nervously at her irrational
behavior, the pig oinks and wiggles its tail]
Norm MacDonald: Hey, ya got a toy pig, there.
[Joanna is so preoccupied with Sandy the pig that Norm
must raise his voice to get her attention] Listen, uh,
you know, Joanna, Joanne! Uh, there's someone else
who's concerned about you and, uh, would like to wish
you well, we've got here on, uh--
Joanna Pacitti: Daddy Warbucks?!
Norm MacDonald: No, no, it's not Daddy
Warbucks. No. No, it's your replacement, it's adorable
Brittny Kissinger, coming to us live from rehearsal.
[Cut to Brittny Kissinger, just as obnoxiously loud
and chipper as Joanna and also dressed as Little
Orphan Annie. She stands in front of a brick wall upon
which is painted: Martin Beck Theatre STAGE DOOR.
SUPER: Live / Martin Beck Theatre]
Brittny Kissinger: Hi, Norm! I'm havin' a
[Cut back to the WU desk where Joanna has torn off her
red wig and is crying silently at the sight of Brittny
Norm MacDonald: Oh, that's great! Brittny ...
Brittny, is there something you want to say to Joanne
[Cut to Brittny]
Brittny Kissinger: There sure is, Norm!
[piano music in, sings the show's hit song,
The sun'll come out tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be
[Cut to Joanna, clutching her wig, her make-up
smeared, crying horribly; Cut to Brittny, singing her
Brittny Kissinger: [sings]
Jus' thinking about tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow
Till there's none
[Cut to Joanna, a lit cigarette in her mouth as she
repeatedly and violently stabs Sandy the pig with a
huge knife; Cut to Brittny]
Brittny Kissinger: [sings]
Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow,
You're always a day away!
Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow,
You're always ...
[Cut to Joanna, kneeling atop the WU desk, cigarette
still in mouth, waving a gun, screaming
incomprehensibly; the two security guards return to
Joanna Pacitti: ... a day away! [yelling
at the guards as they try to drag her off] Get off me!
Get off me! I'm the real Annie! Get off me, you fat
bastard! Get off me, you fat bastard!
[Joanna and the guards exit, applause - During the
struggle, Joanna's lit cigarette pops out of her mouth
and lands on the desk, right next to Norm who focuses
all his attention on it. He picks it up and looks
around for a way to dispose of it. When it becomes
clear that no one is coming to take the burning butt
away, he finally holds it casually and addresses the
Norm MacDonald: [ironic] Well, that was fun,
wasn't it? [tries to balance the cigarette on its
filter atop the desk but someone off screen gets his
attention] What's that? Yeah, I know. [sees the cue
card] Oh, you want me to say that? [looks off screen
for confirmation] You'd like me to say that? [reads
off cue card] "Thanks, ladies. And parents: keep your
kids out of show business!" [turns to another camera]
I said it!
Weekend Update's... [the screen abruptly goes dark,
view shifts to another camera, Norm doesn't realize
this and continues to face the dead camera while
trying to hold the cigarette nonchalantly] ... 1997
survey of the "Most Dangerous Jobs in America" is out
today. The biggest change, last year's Number One,
"West Coast Rap Star"-- [Norm finally realizes he's
looking into the wrong camera, looks into the live
camera] You know, it would probably be better if I was
over on this camera... [cheers and applause, the view
shifts, a grinning Norm turns to the live camera]
Okay. Well, now that I'm over on this camera, it'd
probably be better if you put the cards over here!
[greater cheers and applause, Norm puts the cigarette
on the edge of the desk, starts reading the cue cards
again] ... last year's Number One ... [stops reading]
Let's-- Why don't we start at the start of the joke
now?! [long pause while the cue card person organizes
the cards] Okay, no, this is all right. I'll just make
it up. ...
The 1997 "Most Dangerous Jobs in America" is out. And
this year a little bit of a change. Last year's Number
One -- "West Coast Rap Star"... [Norm glances around
as if expecting another screw-up] ... has been knocked
out of the top spot by the new most dangerous job in
America: "East Coast Rap Star." [mild reaction from
the crowd] ... Imagine if it had all gone well!
[applause as Norm grins and nods]
And, finally, next week, people everywhere will
celebrate St. Patrick's Day. Or, as alcoholics refer
to it, Monday.
That's it, folks! Good night!
[Norm flashes a peace sign and starts taking the
microphone off his necktie. Applause. Music. Dissolve
to the WEEKEND UPDATE graphic.]