Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald ... Norm MacDonald Dominican Lou ... Tracy Morgan Bill Clinton ... Darrell Hammond [Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD] Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald! [Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk.] Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I'm Norm MacDonald and now the fake news. Our top story tonight: Late this week, President Clinton and Russian President Boris Yeltsin met in Helsinki to discuss the sensitive topic of NATO expansion. For his part, Yeltsin stood firm, saying he must do what is right for Russia, while Clinton also stood firm, saying he must do what is right for China. On Thursday, in a stunning admission, the Liggett Group, makers of Chesterfield, Lark, and L&M cigarettes acknowledged publicly that their cigarettes are addictive and do cause cancer. Hours later, the four other major tobacco makers Reynolds, Philip Morris, Lorillard, and Brown and Williamson issued a joint statement saying quote, "Today's announcement comes as no surprise. Everyone knows Liggett cigarettes cause cancer." Also this week, a California newspaper revealed that O.J. Simpson was awarded custody of his children mainly because a court-ordered psychological test showed that he is a loving father. It should be noted, however, that the same test also showed that he was a loving husband. [applause] Following the surprise withdrawal of his nominee Anthony Lake, President Clinton has chosen acting CIA director George Tenant to head up the agency. Now all he needs is the approval of the House, the Senate, and this Chinese guy. [Photo of elderly bespectacled Asian man] In Washington this week, the Supreme court is having arguments on whether or not pornography should be banned from the Internet. According to veteran court watchers, eight Justices are leaning toward a ban, with one against. [Norm strokes his chin thoughtfully] Gee, I wonder which one would be against ... [Photo of Justice Clarence Thomas] ... a ban on pornography? Let me - Let me see now, there's ... Nah, it wouldn't be him-- Meanwhile, at the University of Nebraska, computer scientists have developed a version of the Internet that is up to one hundred times faster than the current system. According to analysts, those using the new system to log on to America Online will now be disconnected in three one thousandths of a second. [mild reaction and then some applause] ... You ever get on a computer? You know anything about them? In Congress, members of the House Women's Caucus say prosecution of sex offenders must be the Army's top priority, despite concerns of racial insensitivity on the part of investigators, which would be the second priority. Then, I guess, the Army's third priority would be -- defending the nation. ... [applause] ... You know? That'd be third. Well, this coming Monday is Oscar night and three films, "The English Patient," "Secrets and Lies" and "Shine" are locked in a tight race in the category: "Best picture there's not a chance in hell I will ever see." ... No interest at all in seein' those. Norm MacDonald: And, now, here with his review of the Oscar-nominated movies is the maintenance man at 1410 Burnside Avenue in the Bronx, our old friend, Dominican Lou. Hi, Dominican Lou. [cheers and applause as we pan over to Dominican Lou, a cheery, mustachioed man with a thick Dominican accent, who smiles and waves] Dominican Lou: Gracias, gracias. Thank you, Norm. Thank - thank you for having me on and putting me here on the show. Norm MacDonald: Sure. Dominican Lou: I love to watch the program. I love to watch the movies. The "Sling Blade," the "Eddie Maguire," and "The English Pages." ... It - It's a good movie. A lot of people, they enjoy this movie. They love to see it. They love to see the Tom Cruise. It's very good for them. Norm MacDonald: Uh huh. Dominican Lou: They like it. Norm MacDonald: What was your favorite part of the movie? Dominican Lou: I don't know. I didn't see it. ... I have no time. I'm working all the time, you know? But I hear it's a good movie. Is good movie. People in the building, they talking about it a lot. They love the movie. They like to see the movie. All the time. They talking about it. Norm MacDonald: Oh ... well, well, that's great. Great. So they liked it, huh? Dominican Lou: They did not see it yet. ... They just talking about it. They was going to see it. It's very good. My friends. Maybe they get to see the movie and have a good time. They have a nice time. They say they want to see the movie. I don't go. I working all the time. ... I - I too busy. I do clean the building. Besides, I don't watch the movie. I - I like-a the TV better. Norm MacDonald: Okay. Well, uh... Hey, what are your favorite TV shows? Dominican Lou: I like-a the reruns the best. Norm MacDonald: Oh? Oh, what reruns do you like? Dominican Lou: It doesn't matter. As long as it's reruns. Norm MacDonald: Well, why would you like the reruns the best? Dominican Lou: Because then I - I can already say I can already see it and I turn it off and I go back to work. Norm MacDonald: Oh, okay. Dominican Lou, everybody! [cheers and applause as Lou waves goodbye, Norm shakes his hand] Yeah! Good job. Yeah. [Lou exits] A person who suffers two sharp, powerful blows to the head within a short period of time can suffer brain damage or even die. This according to a new study in the medical journal "DUH." ... [cheers and applause] This week, a London tabloid published the first exclusive pictures of Michael Jackson's baby, secretly taken by a guest at the King of Pop's Neverland Ranch. Upon seeing the pictures, Michael said, "This is not my baby," then quickly added, "I'm not saying he isn't hot, he's hot, it's just not my kid." ... [mixed reaction from crowd, Norm elaborates frantically] "I'm not saying-- He's a - he's a very sexy infant, it's just not mine." ... "I would love to have sex with him, he's just not my child is all I'm saying." [Norm's efforts draw a smattering of applause] This week, pilot Linda Finch marked the sixty year anniversary of Amelia Earhart's attempt to fly around the world, by setting out on her own round-the-world flight. Finch took off on Monday from the same Oakland, California airfield as Earhart, and hopes to reach Europe by next Wednesday. By Sunday evening, if all goes well, she plans to have mysteriously disappeared forever. In music news, Dr. Jack Kevorkian has performed and recorded a one-hour CD of his own jazz compositions for the flute. You know, Dr. Kevorkian, I've, uh, I've listened to your CD and I've got some advice: Don't quit your day job. All right? You know, murdering old people. Stick with that. Stay away from the flute and stick with the, uh, the murdering old people. Just my advice. A report by Assistant Treasury Secretary Jim Johnson shows that the arrest rate for church arsons is more than twice the national average for arsons in general. [grows thoughtful, pulls his portable tape recorder from his pocket, activates it and speaks into it] Note to self: Start setting fire to something other than churches. ... If you can-- [shuts off recorder, pockets it, mild applause] Earlier today, the biggest auction ever of Beatles memorabilia took place in Tokyo. Among the one-of-a-kind items on the block were Paul McCartney's birth certificate, a white Mercedes-Benz owned by John Lennon and, rarest of all, a photo of George Harrison not looking haggard. ... Have you ever seen one? When you think about it? And the British Sunday Times is reporting that Belgian doctors have accidentally cloned a human being. The human being? You guessed it -- Frank Stallone. [Doctored photo of two Frank Stallones] Well, Reader's Digest has released its 1997 list of the best and worst places to raise a family in the United States. The best place? Sheboygan, Wisconsin. While the worst place in America to raise a family: the Neverland Ranch. [cheers and applause] Norm MacDonald: "Absolute Power" -- Clint Eastwood's film of murder and political corruption -- continues its strong showing at the box office. Here, with his review, is Update movie critic and 42nd President of the United States, Bill Clinton! [cheers and applause] Bill Clinton: Thank you and God bless you all... Norm, director Clint Eastwood's latest film opens promisingly enough. The President of the United States, played by Gene Hackman, is having a rendezvous with his mistress at the home of her wealthy husband. So far, so good. [nods and grins] ... But, suddenly, everything goes to hell for the two lovers and for us the audience. Hearing the sounds of rough sex and believing the President to be in danger, Secret Service agents burst in, shooting the President's mistress dead. I almost walked out right then... I'm sorry I didn't, Norm, because this movie is one big, steaming piece of pony loaf... I did not like this movie. Norm MacDonald: Oh, whoa-whoa, Mr. President. It couldn't have been that bad. Bill Clinton: Oh, come on, Norm. It was that bad. And what drives me crazy is here you got all the makings of a great motion picture. You got the President of the United States. And an attractive young mistress. And what do they do in the first fif-- five minutes? They kill her off! They kill off the mistress! Why do that? [lowers voice to a whisper] Why? Norm MacDonald: Well... Bill Clinton: [whispers] Why? Norm MacDonald: Well, what should they have done--? Bill Clinton: [whispers] Why? Norm MacDonald: What should they have done differently, Mr. President? Bill Clinton: Norm, it seems to me, if I were making a film about a murder and cover-up at the highest levels of government, you'd choose a more compelling victim than the President's mistress. Norm MacDonald: Like - like who? Bill Clinton: The President wife! ... To me, that's obviously the way to go. And they blew it. Norm MacDonald: Yeah. Bill Clinton: They blew it. Norm MacDonald: I see what you mean, Mr. President. Yeah, the First Lady, you know, her being murdered would be a bigger deal, wouldn't it? Bill Clinton: Exactly. If the President's mistress disappeared, who would know? But if the First Lady were suddenly to vanish, how would the President explain it? And would the public buy his explanation? If not, what kind of explanation for his wife's disappearance would they buy? ... Haven't you ever wondered about these things? ... Don't you ever think about stuff like that? [applause] Norm MacDonald: I guess you're right. I - I can see - I can see the possibilities. Bill Clinton: Aw, come on, it's obvious to anyone. The First Lady murdered! There's your movie! ... But, unfortunately, screenwriter William Goldman would rather kill off a beautiful young mistress whose only crime was liking rough sex. Norm MacDonald: Oh! Come on! ... Mr. President, come on. Bill Clinton: Mr. Goldman, if you're out there watching, you should be shot ... and your body dragged to a park to make it look like a suicide. Norm MacDonald: Oh-ho! Come on, now... Come on. Come on. Easy there, Mr. President. I think you're being a little rough on Mr. Goldman there. Bill Clinton: Well, uh, well, you didn't see this movie, Norm. It was El Stinko. In fact, on a scale of one to ten, I give this gobbler a one. [Cut briefly to graphic of the Seal of the President of the United States with superimposed flashing numeral "1" and horn sound effect] Norm MacDonald: Okay. Oh, there we go. Bill Clinton: Yes, sir. Norm MacDonald: All right, Mr. President, you made your point. You didn't like the movie. Anyway, hey, we're all wondering, how's the - how's the knee doin'? Is it giving you any pain? Bill Clinton: Oh, not as much as sittin' through "Absolute Power," Norm. I mean, it reeked. Norm MacDonald: Yeah, I know, you don't like it. Okay. Bill Clinton: I didn't like this movie. Norm MacDonald: Okay, fair enough. The President of the United States, everybody! [cheers and applause] Bill Clinton: I did not like this movie. [starts to exit] Norm MacDonald: Danny Wilson, 17th floor! Good night, everybody! [Norm waves and takes the microphone off his necktie. Applause. Music. Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATE graphic.] Submitted Anonymously SNL Transcripts