Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
... Norm MacDonald
Dominican Lou ... Tracy Morgan
Bill Clinton ... Darrell Hammond
[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm
[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I'm Norm MacDonald
and now the fake news. Our top story tonight:
Late this week, President Clinton and Russian
President Boris Yeltsin met in Helsinki to discuss the
sensitive topic of NATO expansion. For his part,
Yeltsin stood firm, saying he must do what is right
for Russia, while Clinton also stood firm, saying he
must do what is right for China.
On Thursday, in a stunning admission, the Liggett
Group, makers of Chesterfield, Lark, and L&M
cigarettes acknowledged publicly that their cigarettes
are addictive and do cause cancer. Hours later, the
four other major tobacco makers Reynolds, Philip
Morris, Lorillard, and Brown and Williamson issued a
joint statement saying quote, "Today's announcement
comes as no surprise. Everyone knows Liggett
cigarettes cause cancer."
Also this week, a California newspaper revealed that
O.J. Simpson was awarded custody of his children
mainly because a court-ordered psychological test
showed that he is a loving father. It should be noted,
however, that the same test also showed that he was a
loving husband. [applause]
Following the surprise withdrawal of his nominee
Anthony Lake, President Clinton has chosen acting CIA
director George Tenant to head up the agency. Now all
he needs is the approval of the House, the Senate, and
this Chinese guy. [Photo of elderly bespectacled Asian
In Washington this week, the Supreme court is having
arguments on whether or not pornography should be
banned from the Internet. According to veteran court
watchers, eight Justices are leaning toward a ban,
with one against. [Norm strokes his chin thoughtfully]
Gee, I wonder which one would be against ... [Photo of
Justice Clarence Thomas] ... a ban on pornography? Let
me - Let me see now, there's ... Nah, it wouldn't be
Meanwhile, at the University of Nebraska, computer
scientists have developed a version of the Internet
that is up to one hundred times faster than the
current system. According to analysts, those using the
new system to log on to America Online will now be
disconnected in three one thousandths of a second.
[mild reaction and then some applause] ... You ever
get on a computer? You know anything about
In Congress, members of the House Women's Caucus say
prosecution of sex offenders must be the Army's top
priority, despite concerns of racial insensitivity on
the part of investigators, which would be the second
priority. Then, I guess, the Army's third priority
would be -- defending the nation. ...
[applause] ... You know? That'd be third.
Well, this coming Monday is Oscar night and three
films, "The English Patient," "Secrets and Lies" and
"Shine" are locked in a tight race in the category:
"Best picture there's not a chance in hell I will ever
see." ... No interest at all in seein' those.
Norm MacDonald: And, now, here with his review
of the Oscar-nominated movies is the maintenance man
at 1410 Burnside Avenue in the Bronx, our old friend,
Dominican Lou. Hi, Dominican Lou. [cheers and applause
as we pan over to Dominican Lou, a cheery, mustachioed
man with a thick Dominican accent, who smiles and
Dominican Lou: Gracias, gracias. Thank you,
Norm. Thank - thank you for having me on and putting
me here on the show.
Norm MacDonald: Sure.
Dominican Lou: I love to watch the program. I
love to watch the movies. The "Sling Blade," the
"Eddie Maguire," and "The English Pages." ... It -
It's a good movie. A lot of people, they enjoy this
movie. They love to see it. They love to see the Tom
Cruise. It's very good for them.
Norm MacDonald: Uh huh.
Dominican Lou: They like it.
Norm MacDonald: What was your favorite part of
Dominican Lou: I don't know. I didn't see it.
... I have no time. I'm working all the time, you
know? But I hear it's a good movie. Is good movie.
People in the building, they talking about it a lot.
They love the movie. They like to see the movie. All
the time. They talking about it.
Norm MacDonald: Oh ... well, well, that's
great. Great. So they liked it, huh?
Dominican Lou: They did not see it yet. ...
They just talking about it. They was going to see it.
It's very good. My friends. Maybe they get to see the
movie and have a good time. They have a nice time.
They say they want to see the movie. I don't go. I
working all the time. ... I - I too busy. I do clean
the building. Besides, I don't watch the movie. I - I
like-a the TV better.
Norm MacDonald: Okay. Well, uh... Hey, what are
your favorite TV shows?
Dominican Lou: I like-a the reruns the
Norm MacDonald: Oh? Oh, what reruns do you
Dominican Lou: It doesn't matter. As long as
Norm MacDonald: Well, why would you like the
reruns the best?
Dominican Lou: Because then I - I can already
say I can already see it and I turn it off and I go
back to work.
Norm MacDonald: Oh, okay. Dominican Lou,
everybody! [cheers and applause as Lou waves goodbye,
Norm shakes his hand] Yeah! Good job. Yeah. [Lou
A person who suffers two sharp, powerful blows to the
head within a short period of time can suffer brain
damage or even die. This according to a new study in
the medical journal "DUH." ... [cheers and
This week, a London tabloid published the first
exclusive pictures of Michael Jackson's baby, secretly
taken by a guest at the King of Pop's Neverland Ranch.
Upon seeing the pictures, Michael said, "This is not
my baby," then quickly added, "I'm not saying he isn't
hot, he's hot, it's just not my kid." ... [mixed
reaction from crowd, Norm elaborates frantically] "I'm
not saying-- He's a - he's a very sexy infant, it's
just not mine." ... "I would love to have sex with
him, he's just not my child is all I'm saying."
[Norm's efforts draw a smattering of applause]
This week, pilot Linda Finch marked the sixty year
anniversary of Amelia Earhart's attempt to fly around
the world, by setting out on her own round-the-world
flight. Finch took off on Monday from the same
Oakland, California airfield as Earhart, and hopes to
reach Europe by next Wednesday. By Sunday evening, if
all goes well, she plans to have mysteriously
In music news, Dr. Jack Kevorkian has performed and
recorded a one-hour CD of his own jazz compositions
for the flute. You know, Dr. Kevorkian, I've, uh, I've
listened to your CD and I've got some advice: Don't
quit your day job. All right? You know, murdering old
people. Stick with that. Stay away from the flute and
stick with the, uh, the murdering old people. Just my
A report by Assistant Treasury Secretary Jim Johnson
shows that the arrest rate for church arsons is more
than twice the national average for arsons in general.
[grows thoughtful, pulls his portable tape recorder
from his pocket, activates it and speaks into it] Note
to self: Start setting fire to something other than
churches. ... If you can-- [shuts off recorder,
pockets it, mild applause]
Earlier today, the biggest auction ever of Beatles
memorabilia took place in Tokyo. Among the
one-of-a-kind items on the block were Paul McCartney's
birth certificate, a white Mercedes-Benz owned by John
Lennon and, rarest of all, a photo of George Harrison
not looking haggard. ... Have you ever seen one? When
you think about it?
And the British Sunday Times is reporting that Belgian
doctors have accidentally cloned a human being. The
human being? You guessed it -- Frank Stallone.
[Doctored photo of two Frank Stallones]
Well, Reader's Digest has released its 1997 list of
the best and worst places to raise a family in the
United States. The best place? Sheboygan, Wisconsin.
While the worst place in America to raise a family:
the Neverland Ranch. [cheers and applause]
Norm MacDonald: "Absolute Power" -- Clint
Eastwood's film of murder and political corruption --
continues its strong showing at the box office. Here,
with his review, is Update movie critic and 42nd
President of the United States, Bill Clinton! [cheers
Bill Clinton: Thank you and God bless you
all... Norm, director Clint Eastwood's latest film
opens promisingly enough. The President of the United
States, played by Gene Hackman, is having a rendezvous
with his mistress at the home of her wealthy husband.
So far, so good. [nods and grins] ... But, suddenly,
everything goes to hell for the two lovers and
for us the audience. Hearing the sounds of rough sex
and believing the President to be in danger, Secret
Service agents burst in, shooting the President's
mistress dead. I almost walked out right then... I'm
sorry I didn't, Norm, because this movie is one big,
steaming piece of pony loaf... I did not like this
Norm MacDonald: Oh, whoa-whoa, Mr. President.
It couldn't have been that bad.
Bill Clinton: Oh, come on, Norm. It was
that bad. And what drives me crazy is here you got all
the makings of a great motion picture. You got the
President of the United States. And an attractive
young mistress. And what do they do in the first fif--
five minutes? They kill her off! They kill off the
mistress! Why do that? [lowers voice to a whisper]
Norm MacDonald: Well...
Bill Clinton: [whispers] Why?
Norm MacDonald: Well, what should they have
Bill Clinton: [whispers] Why?
Norm MacDonald: What should they have done
differently, Mr. President?
Bill Clinton: Norm, it seems to me, if I were
making a film about a murder and cover-up at the
highest levels of government, you'd choose a more
compelling victim than the President's
Norm MacDonald: Like - like who?
Bill Clinton: The President wife! ... To me,
that's obviously the way to go. And they blew it.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah.
Bill Clinton: They blew it.
Norm MacDonald: I see what you mean, Mr.
President. Yeah, the First Lady, you know, her being
murdered would be a bigger deal, wouldn't it?
Bill Clinton: Exactly. If the President's
mistress disappeared, who would know? But if the First
Lady were suddenly to vanish, how would the President
explain it? And would the public buy his explanation?
If not, what kind of explanation for his wife's
disappearance would they buy? ... Haven't you
ever wondered about these things? ... Don't you ever
think about stuff like that? [applause]
Norm MacDonald: I guess you're right. I - I can
see - I can see the possibilities.
Bill Clinton: Aw, come on, it's obvious to
anyone. The First Lady murdered! There's your
movie! ... But, unfortunately, screenwriter William
Goldman would rather kill off a beautiful young
mistress whose only crime was liking rough
Norm MacDonald: Oh! Come on! ... Mr. President,
Bill Clinton: Mr. Goldman, if you're out there
watching, you should be shot ... and your body dragged
to a park to make it look like a suicide.
Norm MacDonald: Oh-ho! Come on, now... Come on.
Come on. Easy there, Mr. President. I think you're
being a little rough on Mr. Goldman there.
Bill Clinton: Well, uh, well, you didn't see
this movie, Norm. It was El Stinko. In fact, on a
scale of one to ten, I give this gobbler a one. [Cut
briefly to graphic of the Seal of the President of the
United States with superimposed flashing numeral "1"
and horn sound effect]
Norm MacDonald: Okay. Oh, there we go.
Bill Clinton: Yes, sir.
Norm MacDonald: All right, Mr. President, you
made your point. You didn't like the movie. Anyway,
hey, we're all wondering, how's the - how's the knee
doin'? Is it giving you any pain?
Bill Clinton: Oh, not as much as sittin'
through "Absolute Power," Norm. I mean, it
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, I know, you don't like
Bill Clinton: I didn't like this movie.
Norm MacDonald: Okay, fair enough. The
President of the United States, everybody! [cheers and
Bill Clinton: I did not like this movie.
[starts to exit]
Norm MacDonald: Danny Wilson, 17th floor! Good
[Norm waves and takes the microphone off his necktie.
Applause. Music. Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATE