Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 17




96q: Rob Lowe / Spice Girls

The Joe Pesci Show

Joe Pesci.....Jim Breuer
Robert DeNiro.....Colin Quinn
Eric Roberts.....Rob Lowe
Real Joe Pesci.....Himself
Real Robert DeNiro.....Himself

Announcer: Welcome to the Joe Pesci Show. Here he is now, my brother, Joe Pesci.

[cut to Joe Pesci on the set of his talk show]

Joe Pesci: Hey, everybody! I’m Joe Pesci, huh? Heh heh heh! I got a talk show here! I got a desk! I got a couch! I got a couple of pencils! I got a couple of pulleys! I got everything! It’s the Joe Pesci Show! Oh, before we begin, I’d like to take a moment to wish a happy Passover to all my Hebrew friends! Specifically, my accountant, my lawyer, my assistant, the guys who run the show, the guys who run the network, and the guys who run the World Bank! So to you people I say, ‘Hava Nagila’! Or, whatever it is you people say to each other! Heh heh! Okay! Please welcome my co-host, and Oscar winner, and currently appearing in the movie ‘Marvin’s Room’, Mr. Robert De Niro! [Robert De Niro enters and sits on the couch] Heh heh heh! So, Bobby, how ya doin’?

Robert DeNiro: Very nice, very nice.

Joe Pesci: So, Bobby, speaking of the Oscars, what did you think of the show this year?

Robert DeNiro: Billy Crystal singing? Come on!

Joe Pesci: So, Bobby, in ‘Marvin’s Room’, you makin’ money or what?

Robert DeNiro: A little bit. I’m making a little bit.

Joe Pesci: Ah, come on. Whats a little bit? How much, Bobby?

Robert DeNiro: I don’t know, Joe. I’ll let the Passover guys handle it. Shalom!

Joe Pesci: All right. My next guest starred in ‘The Pope of Greenwich Village’, and ‘Star 80’. Please welcome Mr. Eric Roberts! Bring him out! [Eric Roberts comes out, shakes hands with Robert, then with Joe] Eric, meet Bobby! Sit down! Heh, heh, cool!

Eric Roberts: Joe Pesci, gosh darn freakin’ unbelievable! I mean, Joe Pesci, Robert Freakin’ De Niro! You guys are real big stars! I mean ‘Goodfellas’, ‘Casino’, ‘Raging Bull’....

Robert DeNiro: You’re spittin’ on me!

Joe Pesci: All right, Eric, here, here. While Bobby’s drying off, let me ask you something. Your sister is Julia Roberts, right?

Eric Roberts: Uh, yeah, uh...uh...I

Joe Pesci: Great, great, great. Now tell me, grown-up, did you ever see her naked?

Eric Roberts: Oh, hey, uh, uh, I don’t know, I mean—

Robert DeNiro: Answer the question.

Eric Roberts: Okay, fellas, let me tell you something about my sister Julia. I made a Thanksgiving turkey for her, and she never even showed. I didn’t get a phone call, and when I did, it was from Kiefer Freakin’ Sutherland....[Joe Pesci gets up with a baseball bat, and steps behind Eric Roberts]

Joe Pesci: Okay, all right, that’s all the time we have....

Eric Roberts: Steven Spielberg? He never called me. I mean, listen, I do the fisticuffs movies, and I’m not complaining. But ‘Pretty Woman’? Look, I banged a lot of hookers in my day, and none of them looked like Julia......

Robert DeNiro: Excuse me. Take care.

Eric Roberts: Why? I’m not going anywhere.

Robert DeNiro: Yeah, you are.

[Joe Pesci whacks Eric Roberts in the back]

Joe Pesci: Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh! Hey, Eric, tell your sister to come around, I’d like to hit on her too!

Robert DeNiro: Yeah, don’t spit.

Joe Pesci: Well, that’s our show for tonight. I’m Joe Pesci, this is Robert DeNiro, and I hope—

[The real Joe Pesci and Robert DeNiro come out. Jim Breuer and Colin Quinn suddenly break character, becoming nervous and apologetic.]

Jim Breuer: Hey, guys, hey, guys...How are you, how ya doin, guys? How are ya? How ya doin? How are ya?

Real Joe Pesci: You know, week after week, we watch you guys from our living rooms, supposedly imitating Joe Pesci and Robert DeNiro. When in fact, when in fact, you are doing caricatures of characters we have played in ‘Goodfellas’ and ‘Raging Bull’. Also, my friend, Mr. DeNiro, has a very extensive vocabulary, and does not speak in one-word sentences, like ‘a little bit’, and ‘over here’. Isn’t that right, Bobby? [The real Robert DeNiro nods] Also, I am actually a very calm, laid-back person. I do not break into lunatic, maniacal rages, when someone says something a little offensive. You know what I mean?

Jim Breuer: Oh, no, no, I know what you mean, Mr. Pesci. Absolutely. I’m just a huge fan of both you guys. This is—I mean—I love all the crazy characters you play. And just, the two of you, this is insane. [to Colin Quinn] Right?

Real Joe Pesci: Crazy? Insane? I mean, did I hear what he just said? Did he say what I thought he just said?

Real Robert DeNiro: I heard things. I heard ‘crazy’.

Real Joe Pesci: I mean, did he just insult us?

Real Robert DeNiro: A little bit. [to Colin Quinn] Who are you supposed to be?

Colin Quinn: [nervously] Colin Quinn, ‘Remote Control’.

Real Joe Pesci: Look, if, uh, if you’re going to continue on this insane behavior of the characters we play, maybe I can help you out. Can I have the bat, please? [Jim Breuer gives the real Joe Pesci the bat] Thank you. You see, if you’re gonna hit someone with a bat, you shouldn’t just go up to them and hit them on the head. I mean, you know, if they’re taller than you, and even if not, you can’t really get any leverage. Understand what I’m sayin’?

Jim Breuer: Sure.

Real Joe Pesci: Let me, let me explain what I’m talkin’ about. Excuse me. [Jim Breuer steps to one side] See, first thing you have to do, is you take the bat, and you hit’em in the knee! [hits Colin Quinn in the knees] Then you hit’em in the head! [hits Colin Quinn in the head, and Jim Breuer in the knees] You understand what I’m talkin’ about? Huh? Huh? Huh? [hits Jim Breuer in the head] Shall we dance, Bob?

[The real Joe Pesci and the real Robert DeNiro start kicking Jim Breuer and Colin Quinn. Robert DeNiro then starts beating Colin Quinn.]

Real Joe Pesci: Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob! Whoa, whoa, whoa! See what happens when you get him started, huh? Now this is the Joe Pesci Show! [to the camera] Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off! Get it, Bob!

[Joe Pesci breaks the camera with the bat]

Shut it off! Shut it off!


Submitted by: Victor Magana


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