[The animated “Saturday TV Funhouse” intro plays, with Lorne Michaels chasing after the dog, and then FADE to a residential street where two boys and another younger boy are playing. On the right, Willie dribbles a basketball; on the left, Butch is popping a wheelie on his bicycle.]
Butch: Hey, guys, look what I can do!
Willie: Hey, that’s pretty neat!
Youngest Boy: Yeah!
[In a flash, Ace and Gary swoop down and land in the middle of the street.]
Ace: I wouldn’t be so sure!
Willie and Butch: Huh?
[FADE to “The Ambiguously Gay Duo” opening sequence. The announcer speaks when it is finished.]
Announcer: The Ambiguously Gay Duo! Tonight, safety tips from: The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
[FADE to Ace and Gary talking to the youngsters on the street.]
Ace: Willie, Butch... fun and safety can go hand-in-hand.
Willie: Wow! On our street! Ace and Gary!
Butch: I hear they’re fruits.
Willie: No way!
Gary: Kids, if you follow our tips, you can have a good time...
Ace: And a SAFE time.
Gary: Come along!
[CUT to Ace and Gary riding a tandem bike. Ace is in the lead, while Gary holds snugly onto his hips.]
Ace: Always ride on the right side of the street. [rings bell]
Gary: And signal when making turns! [signals turn with right arm]
Ace: Riding at night requires special attention. A reflector suit, like Gary’s here, ensures that you’ll be seen.
[Gary is wearing gold medallions across his chest and beltline, on his knees, and over his crotch.]
Butch: See what I mean?
Willie: That don’t mean anything.
[CUT to Ace and Gary riding a motorbike in similar fashion.]
Ace: Older kids should be careful on motorbikes.
Gary: [wearing red helmet] Be sure to wear helmets!
[CUT to Butch putting a bicycle helmet.]
Ace: Attaboy, Butch!
[Ace pats Butch on the butt, and Butch looks at him in shock. CUT to Ace and Gary crossing the street together.]
Ace: Look both ways before crossing the street.
Gary: [takes Ace’s hand] And always hold hands with your buddy!
Ace: The buddy system should be used in all potentially unsafe situations, like swimming, bike riding, and showering.
Youngest Boy: They’re gay, all right!
Willie: You don’t even know what gay is!
Youngest Boy: Yeah, I do!
Ace: Let’s go to your house.
[CUT to Ace and Gary on the living room floor. Holding an electric cord, Gary is on his hands and knees while Ace kneels behind him.]
Gary: Never pull out a plug by its cord!
Ace: That’s right, Gary. Grab the plug by the male end and stick it in the hole.
Gary: Just stick it in, and don’t play with it!
Ace: Right. Don’t pull it out, just leave it in. Got it?
Kids: [stunned] Yeah.
[CUT to all of them standing in the middle of the living room.]
Ace: Break the wall down between the living room and the dining room. It opens up the area, and gives a better sense of flow from one room to the other. But that’s more a tip for your parents. [looks off to side] Hi, folks.
[CUT to a middle-aged couple peering very suspiciously through the doorway.]
Father: [softly] Uh... hi.
Ace: Let’s go for a ride.
[CUT to the Duo’s “genitalmobile,” which Ace drives while the kids sit uneasily in the back seats.]
Ace: You may not be old enough to drive. But if you’re a safe passenger, you’ve got a job to do.
[Gary leans over from the passenger seat and puts his head right over Ace’s crotch. They are seen from behind while Gary’s head bobs slightly up and down.]
Ace: Gary is making sure that the parking brake is in the proper release position. All clear, Gary?
Gary: [sits back in seat] Looking good!
[CUT to everyone standing in the Comissioner’s office.]
Commissioner: Fellas, I think these kids need to get back!
Ace: Hold on, Commissioner.
[Ace is holding Gary from behind, as though Gary is choking.]
Ace: See, kids, it’s called the Heimlich Maneuver. [squeezes Gary’s stomach]
[The kids look at them suspiciously.]
Ace: What’s everybody looking at?
Youngest Boy: You’re gay!
Gary: You’ll all be happy and gay if you follow our tips!
Ace: We’re gay like a fox.
Commissioner: Okay, that’s enough! Let’s everyone go home, now!
[The kids walk slowly out of the office.]
Ace and Gary: [waving] See ya, kids!
Commissioner: [uncomfortably] Uh, thanks, Ace and Gary. We... all learned a lot.
Ace: Thank YOU, Commissioner. Say, want to practice some CPR?
[Gary lies down on the desk in front of the commissioner.]
Commissioner: No, I don’t!
[FADE to Ace and Gary jumping into their “genitalmobile” and speeding off.]
Announcer: Play safe, and STAY safe! With...
Chorus: “The Ambiguously Gay Duo”!
[ROLL credits and CUT to the slide reading, “WRITTEN BY ROBERT SMIGEL.” FADE to black on Lorne Michaels wrestling with the dog.]
Thanks to Joe for this transcript!