Herself/Mrs. Johnson.....Pamela Lee
Tommy Lee/Himself.....Norm MacDonald
.....The Real Tommy Lee
[FADE IN on an office set. A lawyer sits behind a desk while Pamela Lee sits in the chair opposite. David, the director, stand above them.]
David: Okay, Pam, this is your big scene, so I want you to try and pretend that itís all real. Okay?
[Both actors nod]
David: You ready, guys?
David: [walks off] All right, letís go for it. And... action!
[A brief, dramatic horn line plays as Pam leans forward toward the desk.]
Mrs. Johnson: [enunciating carefully] Do you think I will win my case?
Lawyer: Well, Mrs. Johnson--
[Suddenly, Norm Macdonald, dressed as Tommy Lee, walks into the scene. He wears a white tank-top T-shirt, and his arms are festooned with tattoos.]
Tommy: Hey, babe! I-I-Iím going to the store. You want me to pick up somethiní?
Tommy: [in realization] Oh, Iím sorry, dudes, man, I totally zoned! I didnít know you were shooting!
David: Okay, look, thatís okay, Mr. Lee. But please, just stay OFF the set? Okay?
[He grins, points his fingers at the director, and runs off.]
David: All right. Letís try it again, all right? And... action!
Mrs. Johnson: Do you think I will win my case?
Lawyer: Well, Mrs. Johnson, justice isnít blind, but sometimes it needs a pair of bifocals. [winks] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
[Tommy rushes into the scene and angrily walks up to the lawyer.]
Tommy: Hey, whyíd you wink at my wife?
Actor: [puzzled] What?
Tommy: I saw you winking at my wife! Why are you so winky, huh? [shoves him]
David: Hey, hey! Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!
Pam: Tommy, what are you doing?
Tommy: Hey, Pammy, you just stay out of this! Just go in my car and get my gun!
David: [impatiently] Hey, look. Get, get a hold of yourself please, Mr. Lee, he really isnít interested in your wife. Heís not a real lawyer, this isnít a real office, that isnít even a real window, okay? None of this is REAL.
[Tommy blinks in confusion and then understands again.]
Tommy: Oh! Oh! Iím sorry, I, I feel like an idiot!
[He gives Pam a deep kiss on the lips and walks back off the set.]
Pam: Iím so sorry, David. He gets like that sometimes.
David: No, no, no, no, thatís okay, weíre all artists, weíre all emotional, we all like to live out loud. Okay? [walks back behind movie camera] All right, letís take it from ďbifocals.Ē And... action!
Lawyer: Well, Mrs. Johnson, justice isnít blind, but sometimes it needs a pair of bifocals. [winks] Ah, ha, ha, ha--
[While the lawyer delivers his line, Tommy shows up in the fake window behind the lawyer. He stares out through it in wonder.]
David: Cut! Mr. Lee, why are you standing in the window?
Tommy: Oh! I, I thought you couldnít see me through this window, Ďcause earlier you said that it wasnít a real window!
David: No, we can see you. So please MOVE?
Tommy: Ah! [walks out of sight]
David: Okay, letís take it from the top, okay? And... action!
Lawyer: Well, Mrs. Johnson--
Tommy: [hurtling in] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!
[Tommy drives straight at the lawyer and hurls him out of his chair onto the floor. He starts to grab him, but two crew members hustle in and pull him off.]
Actor: Oh, God, I think he broke my nose!
Pam: Oh, Tommy, you know this is a movie, right?
Tommy: Oh, a movie! Yes!! I forgot! Hah! Hey, I didnít know what happened, Iím sorry, there, hey, amigo, no hard feelings, huh, buddy? [shakes lawyerís hand]
Actor: Apology accepted. Iím actually a big fan of Motley Crue.
Tommy: [happily] Oh, yeah? Rock Ďní roll, man, rock Ďní roll!
Actor: Yeah, and Iíve always really thought your wife was great, too--
Tommy: [not comprehending] Oh, thanks! [gets it] WHAT?! AGH--
[Tommy grabs the lawyer by the back of the head and pounds it on the desk over and over.]
Pam: [jumps up and down frantically] Stop it! Stop it! He doesnít like me! Tom, heís gay! Heís gay!
[Tommy hears her and lets him go.]
Actor: [dazed] Iím very, very gay... [slumps underneath desk]
Tommy: Oh, Iím sorry. [to Pam] Oh, man, Iím sorry, baby, you know, I just love you so much. You know it gets me crazy, you know...
[He leans forward and gives Pam a long soul kiss. After a few seconds, the real Tommy Lee, dressed identically to Norm MacDonald, darts onto the set and yanks Norm off her.]
Real Tommy Lee: Hey! HEY!!
[When he faces Norm, Tommy stifles a laugh, and the two smirk at each other while the audience cheers.]
Real Tommy Lee: Get your freakiní hands off my wife!
Pam: Baby, weíre just doing a sketch.
Real Tommy Lee: [coldly] Pammy, stay out of this, baby. Go to my car and get my gun.
Norm MacDonald: [nervously] Mr. Lee, Mr. Lee, I swear, uh, you know, uh, me and your wife, weíre just acting. [to Pam] Right? T-t-tell him, honey.
Real Tommy Lee: ďHoneyĒ?!
Norm MacDonald: No, no!
Real Tommy Lee: What--
[Tommy Lee starts bashing Norm MacDonaldís head over and over on the desk while Pam slumps and covers her eyes with her hand. FADE to black over applause.]
Thanks to Joe for this transcript!