Spartan Cheerleaders C.J.....Pamela Lee Hobie.....Chris Kattan Craig.....Will Ferrell Arianna.....Cheri Oteri Dirk.....Jim Breuer [FADE IN on stock footage of a crowded beach, then FADE to C.J. sitting on a lifeguard chair and wearing a bright red bathing suit. She peers through a pair of binoculars at the water while Hobie jogs up to her.] Hobie: How’s it looking out there, C.J.? C.J.: Well, Hobie, things look under control for now, but I’m gonna keep an eye on that undertow. Hobie: [pointing to side] Hey, what’s going on over there? C.J.: What, the volleyball tournament? Hobie: No, those two spazoids off to the sides! [CUT to Craig and Arianna on the beach in their Spartans uniforms. They wear white zinc oxide on their noses and start a cheer.] Craig: Oooh! Arianna: Oh! Cheerleaders: One-piece, two-piece, string bikini! Who you think you are, “I Dream of Jeannie”? You can blink for your master, Or cry to Major Healy! Arianna: You think you’re gonna win? Craig: Uh-uh, not really! [They press their palms over their heads like a genie and hum the “I Dream of Jeannie” theme song.] Cheerleaders: Daaaa-da, da da da da da da! Get back in your bottle! Boiiiiinnnnnng! WHOOOOOOO!!! WHOOOOOOOO!!! WHOOOOOOO!!! [Several beachgoers run lazily in front of the Spartans as they jump and scream. Craig: Okay. Okay. [Out of breath, they sit down and towel off their faces.] Craig: Arianna, I’m sweating buckets! I don’t care what anyone says - wool does not breathe. Are you sweating? Arianna: Craig, girls don’t sweat - they glow! Craig: Oh. Arianna: [grinning] And I’m glowing like a pig! CRAIG! [both burst out laughing] Arianna: Craig! Aren’t away games cool beans? Craig: I’ll say. The only thing better was getting to see “Problem Child 2” on the plane. Arianna: Yeah. I’m sorry, but John Ritter is sex on a stick! Craig: Oh. And I’m sorry you threw up. Arianna: Oh, that’s okay. Thanks for holding my hair. Craig: No problem... child... two. Arianna: [squealing] Craig! God! Ohhhhhhhhhhh! Craig: [looking in distance] Oh, my God! Troy’s serve is poetry in motion! Arianna: Dirk is about to spike the BALL!!! Okay. Craig: Okay. Arianna: Okay, okay, okay. Craig: Okay. [Craig stands up with arms at his sides while Arianna scrambles behind him.] Craig: Ladies and gentlemen: the Spike Girls! [starts rolling his hands] Yoooooooooo, tell me what you want, what you really, really want! Arianna: [dances out from behind him] I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want! I wanna-- Craig: Hoo! Arianna: I wanna-- Craig: Hoo! Arianna: I wanna-- Craig: Hoo! Arianna: I wanna-- Craig: Hoo! Cheerleaders: If you wanna be a Spartan, [clapping] Better know how to spike the ba-aall! Too bad you got sand in your crack, Better put out a booty call! Calling aaaaaaaallll booo-tyyyyyyyyyyyys! [A volleyball suddenly flies in. Arianna catches it and disappears off camera.] Craig: Uh, uh, hey! Who’s that Spartan with junk in the trunk? Arianna: [dances in with volleyball stuffed underneath her skirt] It’s me! It’s me! Craig: I said, who’s that Spartan with junk in the trunk? Arianna: It’s me! It’s me! Cheerleaders: Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh! Wide load! WHOOOOO!!! Arianna: Come on, let’s get the message!! [Dirk runs up to them in disgust.] Arianna: Dirk!! Craig: Dirk!! Dirk: All right, all right, all right, all right! I can’t BELIEVE you followed us to California! You two pathetic LOSERS, and now you have this vicious B.O. ‘cause you’re wearing sweaters on the beach! Duhhh! Arianna: Ohhhhhhhhhh! [He waves his hand back and forth, and the cheerleaders sniff their own armpits.] Arianna: [cheerfully] We are a little gamey. Craig: Yeah. Dirk: I’m gonna go in the water to cool off. And DON’T FOLLOW me! [runs off] Arianna: We won’t! ‘Cause you’re not the Pied Piper of us! Craig: Yeah! [ENTER C.J. carrying a red floater and a walkie-talkie.] C.J.: Hey, you guys, is everything okay over here? I thought I heard an argument. Craig: Oh, no. There was no argument. Dirk just hates us. Arianna: Yeah. C.J.: Well, if you need anything, I’m C.J., and I’m the lifeguard for this section of the beach. Arianna: C.J.! Your hair is awesome!! Craig: Yes. Arianna: Can I ask? Sun-in or lemon juice? C.J.: [smiling] Lemon juice. Arianna: I could die!! C.J.: You guys wanna take off those sweaters? Craig: Oh, thanks for your concern, C.J., but I’ve got back hair. C.J.: Okay. Arianna: And I stuff, and I stuff my sports bra. Plus, we’re a little gamey. [They each lift an arm.] Craig: Yeah. C.J.: WHOO!! Dirk: [off camera] Help me! A lifeguard! Help!! C.J: [looks over in alarm] Oh, no, the undertow is taking him way beyond the breakers! [into walkie-talkie] Code 6, code 6! I’m in front of Station 14! We got a swimmer going under! [tosses floater away] I’m out! [C.J. runs ahead right past the camera.] Arianna: [shrieking] Oh, my God! HOLD ON, DIRK!!! HOLD ON!! Oh, my God... Craig: [hollering] Good luck, C.J.!! Your hair’s even more beautiful when it bounces up and down!! Arianna: [picks up floater] Craig! C.J. forgot--she forgot her red floaty thing! The tide will pull her and Dirk under without even asking!!! Craig: [knowingly] You know what they need? Arianna: The perfect cheer? Craig: No. Not yet. They need a couple of kids with spirit and a little junior lifeguard training. [grabs floater] Arianna: [grinning] Ohhhhhh! Let’s rock and roll!!! [Laughing, she grabs a floater and runs off with Craig. FADE to a 30-second film of Craig and Arianna running on a beach while the “Baywatch” theme plays in the background. They sprint heroically right into the waves, and then FADE back to the set, where a soaked Arianna is dragging Dirk by the neck.] Dirk: [furious] Get off me! You’re CHOKING me! [While he frees himself and darts off, a soaked Craig carries C.J.’s limp body in his arms.] Arianna: DIRK!! COME BACK, YOU’RE IN SHOCK!!! YOU NEED CPR!!! Craig: [bending over C.J.] Arianna, I need your help! Arianna: Okay! I got her! Craig: Help on the double! Arianna: Okay! [Craig bends over C.J.’s face and begins to perform mouth-to-mouth. Arianna grabs her by the ankles and pumps her legs toward her head.] Arianna: One... [Craig breathes into C.J.’s mouth.] Arianna: Two... [Craig breathes into her mouth again. C.J. suddenly comes to, squirms, and twists her face away from Craig’s.] C.J.: Craig! I don’t like you like that, okay? Arianna: [toward audience] SHE’S OKAY, CRAIG!! Craig: She’s okay! Oh... [C.J. rises to her feet and addresses them calmly.] C.J.: Craig, Arianna, you were both amazing. A couple quick tips. Arianna: Okay. C.J.: Craig, when performing mouth-to-mouth, it’s not necessary to use your tongue. Craig: [embarrassed] Uhhh! C.J.: Okay? And Arianna, when saving a victim, it’s best not to scream, “We’re all gonna die.” Arianna: I thought I saw a sand crab. C.J.: [looks off in alarm] Oh, my God! David Hasselhoff is doing a free concert and people are trying to drown themselves! I gotta go, bye! [runs off] Arianna: Okay. Oh, my God! Craig: Good luck, C.J.!! Arianna: Good luck, C.J.! Craig! You think she needs our help? Craig: No, jellyfish-brain! What she really needs is... Craig and Arianna: [look at each other] The perfect cheer!! Arianna: [grinning] Ohhhhhhh, Craig! [Craig hits a button on the boom box, and “I Like it like That” starts playing. The two do a vaguely Latin drill team routine for about 30 seconds. Arianna spins into Craig’s arms, and he dips her. Finally, he picks up a toy beach pail and a shovel, places the shovel in her mouth like a rose, and puts the pail on his head while they samba offstage. FADE to black over applause.] Thanks to Joe for this transcript! SNL Transcripts