Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

... Norm MacDonald

[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you, I'm Norm MacDonald and now the fake news. Our top story tonight:

Embattled House Speaker Newt Gingrich may finally have solved his financial troubles. On Thursday, Gingrich announced that former Senator Bob Dole has loaned him the three hundred thousand dollars needed to pay his ethics committee fine. And today, more good news for Gingrich: Dole has already forgotten he loaned him the money.

Meanwhile, Gingrich this week criticized Attorney General Janet Reno's decision not to seek an independent counsel to investigate Democratic fund raising, even comparing her to notorious Watergate figure John Mitchell. Reno called the comparison ridiculous, saying, quote: "For one thing, John Mitchell did not have a mustache."

In an interview this week with Diane Sawyer, Mafia turncoat Sammy "The Bull" Gravano revealed that John Gotti once considered trying to buy a presidential pardon for five million dollars. According to Gravano, however, he and Gotti were too afraid to get involved with, quote: "those kinds of people." [Photo of Bill and Hillary Clinton]

According to O. J. Simpson's niece Terry Baker, when O. J.'s mother, Eunice Simpson, first heard about the slaying of Nicole Brown, she exclaimed, "He did it!" Reached for comment, O. J. said, "My mom was just guessing, I hadn't even told her yet."

Man in Audience: Boo!

Norm MacDonald: [chuckles at the heckler's booing and joins in] Boo.

Secretary of State Madeline Albright has announced that she will represent the United States this summer at ceremonies marking the transfer of British Hong Kong to Chinese rule. President Clinton also plans to attend the event but he will be representing China, so ... [applause]

This week, as America marked the fiftieth anniversary of Jackie Robinson's entry into major league baseball, there was a sobering reminder that racial prejudice in sports is not yet a thing of the past. In a shocking move today, all but one of the one hundred and twenty-five playing members of the Professional Golf Association have signed a petition to ban African American golfers from the tour. [Photo of Tiger Woods]

In Los Angeles this week, actor Arnold Schwarzenegger underwent heart surgery to repair a faulty heart valve. Doctors were concerned because during a routine examination of Schwarzenegger, they got a little turned on. ... They became concerned, you know, when something like that'll happen, you know. [pause] That's a pause for thought for whatever..."

In Indiana, the State legislature has approved a law requiring professional hypnotists to be trained at accredited institutions and certified by the state medical licensing board. Hmm ... [pulls tape recorder from pocket, activates it and speaks into it] Note to self: Cancel plans to tour Indiana as hypnotist this summer. ... [shuts off recorder but then reconsiders and turns it back on] Oh wait, wait! Ignore previous note. Instead, note to self: Get fake hypnotism diploma and proceed as planned! [nods and grins smugly as he pockets recorder]

According to a survey in the new issue of Men's Health Magazine, men are more likely to procrastinate than women. Except when it comes to having orgasms. ... [applause]

Last week in Tampa, Florida, William Santiago, a mail carrier for twenty-seven years, was fired from his job and now faces up to five years in jail for keeping two magazines which had been sent to a nonexistent address. Postal officials admit that they could have let him off with just a warning but then he wouldn't come back some day and shoot thirty people. So ... they decided to be a little strict.

Last week in Kansas City, two people that were-- two home-- two people-- [pause] Oh, drat! Two-- [cheers and applause in reference to Norm's cussing on the previous episode]

Two homeless people who met at a soup kitchen were married in front of homeless guests at the very same soup kitchen. For those who want to give the couple a wedding gift, they are registered at Kansas City's District 5 Recycling Plant.

In South Dakota, inmates at the State Penitentiary say that a new policy which allows officials to read their mail is an example of the routine violations of individual rights in prison. A better example would be the daily anal rapes but I guess they want to start off small and then ... [laughter but also some booing from a heckler in the crowd] ... then work up to the daily anal rapes. You know, they'll start off with the reading their mail, you know...

With the resignation of two police officers in Vergennes, Vermont, the city's 2,500 residents are now left with only one policeman. [pulls out his recorder again] Note to self: Uh, if I get fired for cursing on the air last week, drive up to Vergennes, Vermont, hypnotize the remaining policeman ... and loot town! ... [grinning broadly, Norm pockets his recorder] Yeah, okay. [cheers and applause]

And, finally, the votes are in and Entertainment Weekly has chosen its Funniest Man Alive. And who is the Funniest Man Alive? You guessed it -- Frank Stallone! ... Congratulations, Frank Stallone!

And that's the way it is! Good night!

[Applause. Norm pushes back from the desk and starts to take the microphone off his necktie. Music. Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATE graphic.]

Submitted Anonymously

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