Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
... Norm MacDonald
[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm
[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you, I'm Norm MacDonald
and now the fake news. Our top story tonight:
Embattled House Speaker Newt Gingrich may finally have
solved his financial troubles. On Thursday, Gingrich
announced that former Senator Bob Dole has loaned him
the three hundred thousand dollars needed to pay his
ethics committee fine. And today, more good news for
Gingrich: Dole has already forgotten he loaned him the
Meanwhile, Gingrich this week criticized Attorney
General Janet Reno's decision not to seek an
independent counsel to investigate Democratic fund
raising, even comparing her to notorious Watergate
figure John Mitchell. Reno called the comparison
ridiculous, saying, quote: "For one thing, John
Mitchell did not have a mustache."
In an interview this week with Diane Sawyer, Mafia
turncoat Sammy "The Bull" Gravano revealed that John
Gotti once considered trying to buy a presidential
pardon for five million dollars. According to Gravano,
however, he and Gotti were too afraid to get involved
with, quote: "those kinds of people." [Photo of Bill
and Hillary Clinton]
According to O. J. Simpson's niece Terry Baker, when
O. J.'s mother, Eunice Simpson, first heard about the
slaying of Nicole Brown, she exclaimed, "He did it!"
Reached for comment, O. J. said, "My mom was just
guessing, I hadn't even told her yet."
Man in Audience: Boo!
Norm MacDonald: [chuckles at the heckler's
booing and joins in] Boo.
Secretary of State Madeline Albright has announced
that she will represent the United States this summer
at ceremonies marking the transfer of British Hong
Kong to Chinese rule. President Clinton also plans to
attend the event but he will be representing China, so
This week, as America marked the fiftieth anniversary
of Jackie Robinson's entry into major league baseball,
there was a sobering reminder that racial prejudice in
sports is not yet a thing of the past. In a shocking
move today, all but one of the one hundred and
twenty-five playing members of the Professional Golf
Association have signed a petition to ban African
American golfers from the tour. [Photo of Tiger Woods]
In Los Angeles this week, actor Arnold Schwarzenegger
underwent heart surgery to repair a faulty heart
valve. Doctors were concerned because during a routine
examination of Schwarzenegger, they got a little
turned on. ... They became concerned, you know, when
something like that'll happen, you know. [pause]
That's a pause for thought for whatever..."
In Indiana, the State legislature has approved a law
requiring professional hypnotists to be trained at
accredited institutions and certified by the state
medical licensing board. Hmm ... [pulls tape recorder
from pocket, activates it and speaks into it] Note to
self: Cancel plans to tour Indiana as hypnotist this
summer. ... [shuts off recorder but then reconsiders
and turns it back on] Oh wait, wait! Ignore previous
note. Instead, note to self: Get fake hypnotism
diploma and proceed as planned! [nods and grins smugly
as he pockets recorder]
According to a survey in the new issue of Men's Health
Magazine, men are more likely to procrastinate than
women. Except when it comes to having orgasms. ...
Last week in Tampa, Florida, William Santiago, a mail
carrier for twenty-seven years, was fired from his job
and now faces up to five years in jail for keeping two
magazines which had been sent to a nonexistent
address. Postal officials admit that they could have
let him off with just a warning but then he wouldn't
come back some day and shoot thirty people. So ...
they decided to be a little strict.
Last week in Kansas City, two people that were-- two
home-- two people-- [pause] Oh, drat! Two-- [cheers
and applause in reference to Norm's cussing on the
Two homeless people who met at a soup kitchen were
married in front of homeless guests at the very same
soup kitchen. For those who want to give the couple a
wedding gift, they are registered at Kansas City's
District 5 Recycling Plant.
In South Dakota, inmates at the State Penitentiary say
that a new policy which allows officials to read their
mail is an example of the routine violations of
individual rights in prison. A better example would be
the daily anal rapes but I guess they want to start
off small and then ... [laughter but also some booing
from a heckler in the crowd] ... then work up to the
daily anal rapes. You know, they'll start off with the
reading their mail, you know...
With the resignation of two police officers in
Vergennes, Vermont, the city's 2,500 residents are now
left with only one policeman. [pulls out his recorder
again] Note to self: Uh, if I get fired for cursing on
the air last week, drive up to Vergennes, Vermont,
hypnotize the remaining policeman ... and loot town!
... [grinning broadly, Norm pockets his recorder]
Yeah, okay. [cheers and applause]
And, finally, the votes are in and Entertainment
Weekly has chosen its Funniest Man Alive. And who is
the Funniest Man Alive? You guessed it -- Frank
Stallone! ... Congratulations, Frank Stallone!
And that's the way it is! Good night!
[Applause. Norm pushes back from the desk and starts
to take the microphone off his necktie. Music.
Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATE graphic.]