John Goodman's Monologue
... John Goodman
... Tim Meadows
... Lorne Michaels
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, John
John Goodman: Thank you very much! Thank you!
Thank you very much! It's really a great pleasure to
be here. This is, if you can believe it, my eighth
time hosting -- and I feel great! [cheers and
applause] I'm back here, Spring is in the air and, I
don't know if you noticed it or not, but I've lost
some weight -- over seventy pounds. [cheers and
applause] Thank you. Seventy pounds. Took me five days
to do it ... And, except for the constant vomiting and
lightheadedness, I feel great. Anyway, now that I'm
hosting for the eighth time, I kinda feel like I'm
part of the show's history, hand in hand with such
great cast members as Bill Murray, Alan Alda, Phylicia
Rashad ... Herman Munster-- Oh, yeah! The - the
"Where's the Beef?!" lady! ... Every week, it's thirty
minutes of magic.
[Tim Meadows, still wearing the dress he wore for the
cold opening, enters and confronts Goodman]
Tim Meadows: Hey, uh, John, uh, you feelin'
okay, man? What happened to the Mother's Day
John Goodman: Right. Sorry. [to the camera] Uh,
cut! Just do another take, we'll use that one. [to the
crowd] Uh, just-- Folks, we're just gonna do one more
take and I'll have it, folks. I'm sorry. [turns to
head upstage but Tim grabs him]
Tim Meadows: John, John, John! What - what you
doin', man? We're live.
John Goodman: [overcome with silent laughter,
grinning broadly] No, we're not!
Tim Meadows: Yeah, yeah, yes, we are,
John Goodman: Ha! Pal, wake up! [to the crowd]
I'm sorry, everyone. Apparently, my little fruity
friend here isn't ... aware that I've, uh, hosted the
Saturday Night Fun Hour eight times -- and I think I'd
know if it were live!
Tim Meadows: Yeah. But John the show's called
Saturday Night Live. Okay? You're live right
John Goodman: [soberly] Oh, great. Suddenly,
the show's live. ... That's okay. Live or not, I still
know the show cold.
Tim Meadows: Okay, John. Great. [gives Goodman
a pat on the back and exits]
John Goodman: Thanks. [sighs] Let's get this
thing going, all right? [instantly adopts a supercool
veejay voice] Folks, we got a lot of great music
videos coming up. Right now ... let's get ready for
Styx. Roll the video. ... [to off screen director Dave
Wilson] Okay, Davey, have we cut away to the video?
Good. Okay, I'm gonna go to my trailer and lose some
more weight. [turns to exit, Tim rushes back in and
Tim Meadows: John, John, wait, man. John, where
you goin', man?
John Goodman: Oh, I was just gonna put my head
in the diet machine while the videos are playin' for
Tim Meadows: Right. Okay. [to producer Lorne
Michaels who now enters] Hey, thank God you're here!
[Tim happily hugs Lorne]
Lorne Michaels: John, listen, we're not gonna
run any music videos.
John Goodman: Trust me, we are. And you know
how I know how? I've hosted the show eight times!
Eight! [quietly, to Lorne] How long have
you been here?
Lorne Michaels: Since 1975. I'm the producer of
the show, John.
John Goodman: [snidely] I know who you are,
Lorne Michaels: What kind of diet are you on,
John Goodman: It's the usual. Grapefruit,
Clorox, fiberglass ...
Lorne Michaels: Listen, everything's gonna be
fine. You're - you're doing great. Just - just read
what's on the cards.
John Goodman: [sarcastic] Thanks, Leon. ...
Tim Meadows: [happily, to Lorne] You did it!
You saved the show again! [high-pitched giggle, hugs
Lorne Michaels: Easy, Fruity. ... [Tim and
John Goodman: [enthusiastic] All right! We've
got a great show! We're gonna have some apes fight
each other, dressed like gladiators!
[Tim and Lorne rush on again]
Tim Meadows: John, John, John, John.
Lorne Michaels: John, that's not what's on the
John Goodman: [quietly] I'm sorry. We really do
have a great show. Jewel is here. So, stick around.
We'll be right back.
[Cheers and applause. Goodman looks glum but Tim and
Lorne applaud happily and Tim hugs Lorne again as we
pull back and fade out.]