John Goodman's Monologue

... John Goodman
... Tim Meadows
... Lorne Michaels

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, John Goodman!

John Goodman: Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you very much! It's really a great pleasure to be here. This is, if you can believe it, my eighth time hosting -- and I feel great! [cheers and applause] I'm back here, Spring is in the air and, I don't know if you noticed it or not, but I've lost some weight -- over seventy pounds. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Seventy pounds. Took me five days to do it ... And, except for the constant vomiting and lightheadedness, I feel great. Anyway, now that I'm hosting for the eighth time, I kinda feel like I'm part of the show's history, hand in hand with such great cast members as Bill Murray, Alan Alda, Phylicia Rashad ... Herman Munster-- Oh, yeah! The - the "Where's the Beef?!" lady! ... Every week, it's thirty minutes of magic.

[Tim Meadows, still wearing the dress he wore for the cold opening, enters and confronts Goodman]

Tim Meadows: Hey, uh, John, uh, you feelin' okay, man? What happened to the Mother's Day monologue?

John Goodman: Right. Sorry. [to the camera] Uh, cut! Just do another take, we'll use that one. [to the crowd] Uh, just-- Folks, we're just gonna do one more take and I'll have it, folks. I'm sorry. [turns to head upstage but Tim grabs him]

Tim Meadows: John, John, John! What - what you doin', man? We're live.

John Goodman: [overcome with silent laughter, grinning broadly] No, we're not!

Tim Meadows: Yeah, yeah, yes, we are, man.

John Goodman: Ha! Pal, wake up! [to the crowd] I'm sorry, everyone. Apparently, my little fruity friend here isn't ... aware that I've, uh, hosted the Saturday Night Fun Hour eight times -- and I think I'd know if it were live!

Tim Meadows: Yeah. But John the show's called Saturday Night Live. Okay? You're live right now.

John Goodman: [soberly] Oh, great. Suddenly, the show's live. ... That's okay. Live or not, I still know the show cold.

Tim Meadows: Okay, John. Great. [gives Goodman a pat on the back and exits]

John Goodman: Thanks. [sighs] Let's get this thing going, all right? [instantly adopts a supercool veejay voice] Folks, we got a lot of great music videos coming up. Right now ... let's get ready for Styx. Roll the video. ... [to off screen director Dave Wilson] Okay, Davey, have we cut away to the video? Good. Okay, I'm gonna go to my trailer and lose some more weight. [turns to exit, Tim rushes back in and grabs him]

Tim Meadows: John, John, wait, man. John, where you goin', man?

John Goodman: Oh, I was just gonna put my head in the diet machine while the videos are playin' for the kids.

Tim Meadows: Right. Okay. [to producer Lorne Michaels who now enters] Hey, thank God you're here! [Tim happily hugs Lorne]

Lorne Michaels: John, listen, we're not gonna run any music videos.

John Goodman: Trust me, we are. And you know how I know how? I've hosted the show eight times! Eight! [quietly, to Lorne] How long have you been here?

Lorne Michaels: Since 1975. I'm the producer of the show, John.

John Goodman: [snidely] I know who you are, Leon!

Lorne Michaels: What kind of diet are you on, exactly?

John Goodman: It's the usual. Grapefruit, Clorox, fiberglass ...

Lorne Michaels: Listen, everything's gonna be fine. You're - you're doing great. Just - just read what's on the cards.

John Goodman: [sarcastic] Thanks, Leon. ...

Tim Meadows: [happily, to Lorne] You did it! You saved the show again! [high-pitched giggle, hugs Lorne again]

Lorne Michaels: Easy, Fruity. ... [Tim and Lorne exit]

John Goodman: [enthusiastic] All right! We've got a great show! We're gonna have some apes fight each other, dressed like gladiators!

[Tim and Lorne rush on again]

Tim Meadows: John, John, John, John.

Lorne Michaels: John, that's not what's on the cards.

John Goodman: [quietly] I'm sorry. We really do have a great show. Jewel is here. So, stick around. We'll be right back.

[Cheers and applause. Goodman looks glum but Tim and Lorne applaud happily and Tim hugs Lorne again as we pull back and fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

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