Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
... Norm MacDonald
Dominican Lou ... Tracy Morgan
... Will Ferrell
[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm
[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk, basking in
the applause. He removes the clip from his sheaf of
papers and clears his throat.]
Norm MacDonald: Thanks. I'm Norm MacDonald and
now the fake news. Our top story tonight:
In court documents made public this week, independent
counsel Kenneth Starr told a federal judge that
Hillary Clinton is now a, quote, "central figure" in
the Whitewater criminal probe. Reacting to the news,
President Clinton called the investigation "a partisan
witch hunt," vowing, quote, "If the First Lady is
somehow convicted and has to go to jail, I will do
everything in my power to wait two weeks to start
dating." ... [applause and a few cheers]
Meanwhile, FBI Director Louis Freeh said this week
that Attorney General Janet Reno might have a conflict
of interest in her investigation of Democratic
fundraising. Freeh also pointed out that Reno might
have a conflict of interest between her X and Y
There was some good news for Michael Kennedy this week
when the parents of the teenage babysitter with whom
he had a five year affair decided not to pursue
criminal charges. However, a lawyer for the
babysitter's family called Kennedy a, quote, "sick,
pathetic individual," while the County District
Attorney described him as a, quote, "alcoholic cradle
robber." The only kind words came from his uncle,
Senator Ted Kennedy, who called him, quote, "an
inspiration." ... [cheers and applause]
Real estate mogul Donald Trump announced this week
that after three-and-a-half years of marriage he is
seeking a divorce from wife Marla Maples. According to
Trump, Maples violated part of their marriage
agreement when she decided to turn thirty. ... That
was - unacceptable!
At their annual convention this week, board members of
the National Rifle Association narrowly elected actor
Charlton Heston vice-president of the powerful gun
lobby. According to Heston, his first priority will be
a push to legalize the hunting of, quote, "damn dirty
In Alabama, a new state law will dramatically increase
the penalty for bouncing a check. [Norm pulls tape
recorder out of his pocket, activates it and speaks
into it] Note to self: Cancel summer vacation plans in
Alabama. Find state more accommodating to the Norm
MacDonald lifestyle. [nods, grins, pockets
On Wednesday, world chess champion Gary Kasparov tied
Deep Blue, the IBM supercomputer that can examine two
hundred million positions per second, in the fourth
game of their six game series. Earlier in the week,
Kasparov admitted he made a catastrophic blunder in
game two when he failed to force a draw by moving rook
to e8, opting instead for a Caro Kann defense that
soon transposed into a Pribyl defense which, after
Deep Blue moved bishop to e7, gave him the advantage
with his ninth position. With all due respect to Mr.
Kasparov ... What the hell were you thinking?
Norm MacDonald: Here with a further comment on
the Kasparov/Deep Blue match is Weekend Update chess
correspondent, and building superintendent at 901
Burnside Avenue in the Bronx, our own Dominican Lou!
Hi, Dominican Lou.
[Cheers and applause for Dominican Lou, a cheerful man
with a thick Dominican accent who waves to the
Dominican Lou: Gracias, gracias. Gracias. Thank
you, Norm. I watching the chess player against the
computer Deep Blue. I know how he feels. I play
dominoes last week with Felix. He live up the block.
He always bragging about nobody can beat him. But I
bea' him. I bea' him, Norm!
Norm MacDonald: Oh, you --?
Dominican Lou: I bea' him!
Norm MacDonald: Oh, that's great. You beat him,
Dominican Lou: I bea' him!
Norm MacDonald: Ya beat him?
Dominican Lou: I bea' him.
Norm MacDonald: You beat him?
Dominican Lou: [reluctantly tells the truth]
No, I lose to him. ... But if I can get the computer
to come to my block, then I can teach the computer to
play dominoes. Then the computer can bea' him. They -
then he shut up.
Norm MacDonald: Well, I--
Dominican Lou: He can bea' him.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah. I - I don't think that's
gonna happen, Lou. I - I don't think that the computer
is gonna learn dominoes.
Dominican Lou: No. I play all of my life. I can
teach the computer to play dominoes in one day. And
then it can bea' him.
Norm MacDonald: No, no ...
Dominican Lou: It can bea' him!
Norm MacDonald: No, no, that's - that's not
what I - that's not what I mean, uh, Dominican Lou. I
mean, I don't think it's - it's that
Dominican Lou: No. It's important if you know
Felix. He's a big mouth.
Norm MacDonald: [thinks he understands] Ahhh! I
see. So what you're saying, then, is that this is not
about you and Felix. This is about the age-old battle
of man versus machine.
Dominican Lou: Nooo. It's basically about Felix
and the mo'chine. Felix versus the mo'chine. You hear
that, Felix? Norm is going to bring his computer and
he's going to give you-- he's going to whip you' ass!
Norm MacDonald: No, no, I'm not.
Dominican Lou: He is not afraid of you and your
brothers! Come down to the studio!
Norm MacDonald: No, no, I am.
Dominican Lou: Come down here!
Norm MacDonald: No, don't do that. I am.
Dominican Lou: He bust you up good!
Norm MacDonald: No, I'm afraid of you, Felix!
Dominican Lou: He bea' you!
Norm MacDonald: Dominican Lou, everybody!
[cheers and applause]
Dominican Lou: Come down!
Norm MacDonald: No, don't do that. I'm deathly
afraid of Felix.
This week - this week, New York Senator Al D'Amato
repeated his claim that, during the Second World War,
Switzerland aided the Nazi war effort and helped
launder money stolen from Jews. These charges are the
results of a lengthy, thorough investigation by the
senator which proves, quote, "beyond a shadow of a
doubt" that New York has lots and lots of Jewish
voters, and no Swiss voters.
Last week in Cleveland, the rock group Crosby, Stills
and Nash was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of
Fame. In addition, a special lifetime achievement
award was presented to David Crosby's liver. [Photo of
a liver] ... Congratulations, David Crosby's
In other music news, Paul McCartney will take part in
his first live online chat May the 17th and a record
two-and-a-half million calls have already come in from
people hoping to have an actual moment of contact with
the former Beatle. Although it should be noted that
two million of those calls came from Ringo Starr, so
... When you factor that into it-- Yeah, I'll go over
here-- [turns to another camera]
In Washington, D.C., public school officials are
asking parents to help pay for needed equipment such
as a new state-of-the-art surveillance system that one
area school has requested. According to the school's
principal, the new system will help him monitor
cheerleaders that he claims like to vandalize school
property while showering. ... I don't think he's a
good principal at all, that character.
And, in North Carolina, the Bowman Gray School of
Medicine is looking for twenty habitual marijuana
smokers who they'll provide with free pot in order to
study the effects of the drug. [takes out recorder
again, crowd cheers and applauds anticipating the
joke] ... Note to self: Spend summer vacation at
Bowman Gray School of Medicine and ... maybe take
Timmy Meadows along with you. [pockets recorder,
cheers and applause]
In an attempt to secure federal funding, a rural Idaho
county wants the State Transportation Board to
designate some of its roads as "back country byways."
To strengthen their case, local officials plan to
sexually assault Ned Beatty. [Photo of actor Ned
Beatty, well-remembered for his role as the rednecks'
rape victim in the film "Deliverance"]
Norm MacDonald: Well, by now, most of you have
seen, or heard, about last week's episode of "Ellen"
in which the main character, played by Ellen
DeGeneres, announced that she is gay. Here to comment
on "Ellen," our very own Will Ferrell. Hi, Will.
[cheers and applause for Will Ferrell who looks natty
in a suit and tie]
Will Ferrell: Hi, Norm, thank you. Like
everyone in the country, I saw the historic episode of
"Ellen" and, of course, I loved it. I don't know what
it is but when a first class comedian spoofs gay
people, it always makes me laugh. Hey, let's face it,
gays are funny. I loved Billy Crystal on "Soap" and
that Harvey Fierstein impression of a homosexual
couldn't be more dead-on. Heck, even I do a funny gay
guy around the office. You know, Judy Garland,
fresh-cut flowers, interior decorating. It's all in
good fun. Why not? I'm no homophobe. So, Ellen
DeGeneres, I salute you. There's no controversy here.
She's just a damn good comedian who's able to get good
laughs pretending she's a lesbian. And if that's
wrong, then that's my kinda wrong!
Norm MacDonald: Well, well, Will, now, she's -
she's not exactly pretending.
Will Ferrell: How's that?
Norm MacDonald: I mean, she wasn't on the cover
of Time Magazine for pretending she was gay. She - she
really is gay.
Will Ferrell: Ellen DeGeneres is gay? The - the
real Ellen DeGeneres?
Norm MacDonald: Yes. She's a lesbian.
Will Ferrell: [suddenly looks ill] Oh, my god
... Oh-- I'm gonna be sick. [puts a hand to his mouth
and turns away from Norm] Oh, God-- [yellow vomit
spews out of his mouth onto the floor]
Norm MacDonald: God, are - are you okay there,
Will Ferrell: No!
Norm MacDonald: Will, Will, are you - are you
Will Ferrell: No, I'm not!
Norm MacDonald: It - it - it - it's not a big
deal. ... [Will puts his head down on the desk (in
part to conceal the vomit leaking from the
puke-spewing device hidden in his sleeve)] Will, it's
okay. It's okay. She just has-- She has sex with -
with women, that's all. She has--
Will Ferrell: God, why did you put that dirty,
sickening imagine in my mind?! Oh, no, here it comes
again! [pukes again, all over the desk]
Norm MacDonald: Good God, she's just a
Will Ferrell: Oh, stop it please! Sto-- [still
more puke, this time in Norm's direction - Norm backs
away, arms in the air - Will falls out of his chair
and drops to the floor, disappearing behind the desk]
Norm MacDonald: There's Will Ferrell,
everybody! [applause and cheers] Will Ferrell. [Norm
picks up his vomit-speckled sheaf of papers gingerly,
then sets it next to the puddle of puke atop the desk,
wiping his hands as he reads the next item:]
Well, in Albany, New York, Susan John has asked to
resign as chairwoman of the State Assembly Alcohol and
Drug Abuse Committee following her arrest on
drunk-driving charges. On the bright side for Ms.
John, she has been asked to chair the Assembly's
Committee on Irony. ... [pulls out tape recorder] Note
to self: Never ever follow a vomit-spewing guy with a
[Norm pockets the recorder, then scoops up some vomit
off the desk with his bare hand and eats it - the
horrified crowd groans and hollers loudly - Norm gives
the crowd a look, as if to say, "What's the big
deal?"] It's good, it's quite good! [licking his
fingers] Normally, I - Normally, I don't like Will
Ferrell vomit but this is actually very good! ...
[still licking his fingers] Let's just end it! Folks!
That's the news. Good night!
[Applause. Norm cautiously takes the microphone off
his necktie. Music. Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATE