Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

... Norm MacDonald
Dominican Lou ... Tracy Morgan
... Will Ferrell

[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk, basking in the applause. He removes the clip from his sheaf of papers and clears his throat.]

Norm MacDonald: Thanks. I'm Norm MacDonald and now the fake news. Our top story tonight:

In court documents made public this week, independent counsel Kenneth Starr told a federal judge that Hillary Clinton is now a, quote, "central figure" in the Whitewater criminal probe. Reacting to the news, President Clinton called the investigation "a partisan witch hunt," vowing, quote, "If the First Lady is somehow convicted and has to go to jail, I will do everything in my power to wait two weeks to start dating." ... [applause and a few cheers]

Meanwhile, FBI Director Louis Freeh said this week that Attorney General Janet Reno might have a conflict of interest in her investigation of Democratic fundraising. Freeh also pointed out that Reno might have a conflict of interest between her X and Y chromosomes.

There was some good news for Michael Kennedy this week when the parents of the teenage babysitter with whom he had a five year affair decided not to pursue criminal charges. However, a lawyer for the babysitter's family called Kennedy a, quote, "sick, pathetic individual," while the County District Attorney described him as a, quote, "alcoholic cradle robber." The only kind words came from his uncle, Senator Ted Kennedy, who called him, quote, "an inspiration." ... [cheers and applause]

Real estate mogul Donald Trump announced this week that after three-and-a-half years of marriage he is seeking a divorce from wife Marla Maples. According to Trump, Maples violated part of their marriage agreement when she decided to turn thirty. ... That was - unacceptable!

At their annual convention this week, board members of the National Rifle Association narrowly elected actor Charlton Heston vice-president of the powerful gun lobby. According to Heston, his first priority will be a push to legalize the hunting of, quote, "damn dirty apes"!

In Alabama, a new state law will dramatically increase the penalty for bouncing a check. [Norm pulls tape recorder out of his pocket, activates it and speaks into it] Note to self: Cancel summer vacation plans in Alabama. Find state more accommodating to the Norm MacDonald lifestyle. [nods, grins, pockets recorder]

On Wednesday, world chess champion Gary Kasparov tied Deep Blue, the IBM supercomputer that can examine two hundred million positions per second, in the fourth game of their six game series. Earlier in the week, Kasparov admitted he made a catastrophic blunder in game two when he failed to force a draw by moving rook to e8, opting instead for a Caro Kann defense that soon transposed into a Pribyl defense which, after Deep Blue moved bishop to e7, gave him the advantage with his ninth position. With all due respect to Mr. Kasparov ... What the hell were you thinking?

Norm MacDonald: Here with a further comment on the Kasparov/Deep Blue match is Weekend Update chess correspondent, and building superintendent at 901 Burnside Avenue in the Bronx, our own Dominican Lou! Hi, Dominican Lou.

[Cheers and applause for Dominican Lou, a cheerful man with a thick Dominican accent who waves to the crowd.]

Dominican Lou: Gracias, gracias. Gracias. Thank you, Norm. I watching the chess player against the computer Deep Blue. I know how he feels. I play dominoes last week with Felix. He live up the block. He always bragging about nobody can beat him. But I bea' him. I bea' him, Norm!

Norm MacDonald: Oh, you --?

Dominican Lou: I bea' him!

Norm MacDonald: Oh, that's great. You beat him, huh?

Dominican Lou: I bea' him!

Norm MacDonald: Ya beat him?

Dominican Lou: I bea' him.

Norm MacDonald: You beat him?

Dominican Lou: [reluctantly tells the truth] No, I lose to him. ... But if I can get the computer to come to my block, then I can teach the computer to play dominoes. Then the computer can bea' him. They - then he shut up.

Norm MacDonald: Well, I--

Dominican Lou: He can bea' him.

Norm MacDonald: Yeah. I - I don't think that's gonna happen, Lou. I - I don't think that the computer is gonna learn dominoes.

Dominican Lou: No. I play all of my life. I can teach the computer to play dominoes in one day. And then it can bea' him.

Norm MacDonald: No, no ...

Dominican Lou: It can bea' him!

Norm MacDonald: No, no, that's - that's not what I - that's not what I mean, uh, Dominican Lou. I mean, I don't think it's - it's that important.

Dominican Lou: No. It's important if you know Felix. He's a big mouth.

Norm MacDonald: [thinks he understands] Ahhh! I see. So what you're saying, then, is that this is not about you and Felix. This is about the age-old battle of man versus machine.

Dominican Lou: Nooo. It's basically about Felix and the mo'chine. Felix versus the mo'chine. You hear that, Felix? Norm is going to bring his computer and he's going to give you-- he's going to whip you' ass!

Norm MacDonald: No, no, I'm not.

Dominican Lou: He is not afraid of you and your brothers! Come down to the studio!

Norm MacDonald: No, no, I am.

Dominican Lou: Come down here!

Norm MacDonald: No, don't do that. I am.

Dominican Lou: He bust you up good!

Norm MacDonald: No, I'm afraid of you, Felix!

Dominican Lou: He bea' you!

Norm MacDonald: Dominican Lou, everybody! [cheers and applause]

Dominican Lou: Come down!

Norm MacDonald: No, don't do that. I'm deathly afraid of Felix.

This week - this week, New York Senator Al D'Amato repeated his claim that, during the Second World War, Switzerland aided the Nazi war effort and helped launder money stolen from Jews. These charges are the results of a lengthy, thorough investigation by the senator which proves, quote, "beyond a shadow of a doubt" that New York has lots and lots of Jewish voters, and no Swiss voters.

Last week in Cleveland, the rock group Crosby, Stills and Nash was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. In addition, a special lifetime achievement award was presented to David Crosby's liver. [Photo of a liver] ... Congratulations, David Crosby's liver.

In other music news, Paul McCartney will take part in his first live online chat May the 17th and a record two-and-a-half million calls have already come in from people hoping to have an actual moment of contact with the former Beatle. Although it should be noted that two million of those calls came from Ringo Starr, so ... When you factor that into it-- Yeah, I'll go over here-- [turns to another camera]

In Washington, D.C., public school officials are asking parents to help pay for needed equipment such as a new state-of-the-art surveillance system that one area school has requested. According to the school's principal, the new system will help him monitor cheerleaders that he claims like to vandalize school property while showering. ... I don't think he's a good principal at all, that character.

And, in North Carolina, the Bowman Gray School of Medicine is looking for twenty habitual marijuana smokers who they'll provide with free pot in order to study the effects of the drug. [takes out recorder again, crowd cheers and applauds anticipating the joke] ... Note to self: Spend summer vacation at Bowman Gray School of Medicine and ... maybe take Timmy Meadows along with you. [pockets recorder, cheers and applause]

In an attempt to secure federal funding, a rural Idaho county wants the State Transportation Board to designate some of its roads as "back country byways." To strengthen their case, local officials plan to sexually assault Ned Beatty. [Photo of actor Ned Beatty, well-remembered for his role as the rednecks' rape victim in the film "Deliverance"]

Norm MacDonald: Well, by now, most of you have seen, or heard, about last week's episode of "Ellen" in which the main character, played by Ellen DeGeneres, announced that she is gay. Here to comment on "Ellen," our very own Will Ferrell. Hi, Will. [cheers and applause for Will Ferrell who looks natty in a suit and tie]

Will Ferrell: Hi, Norm, thank you. Like everyone in the country, I saw the historic episode of "Ellen" and, of course, I loved it. I don't know what it is but when a first class comedian spoofs gay people, it always makes me laugh. Hey, let's face it, gays are funny. I loved Billy Crystal on "Soap" and that Harvey Fierstein impression of a homosexual couldn't be more dead-on. Heck, even I do a funny gay guy around the office. You know, Judy Garland, fresh-cut flowers, interior decorating. It's all in good fun. Why not? I'm no homophobe. So, Ellen DeGeneres, I salute you. There's no controversy here. She's just a damn good comedian who's able to get good laughs pretending she's a lesbian. And if that's wrong, then that's my kinda wrong!

Norm MacDonald: Well, well, Will, now, she's - she's not exactly pretending.

Will Ferrell: How's that?

Norm MacDonald: I mean, she wasn't on the cover of Time Magazine for pretending she was gay. She - she really is gay.

Will Ferrell: Ellen DeGeneres is gay? The - the real Ellen DeGeneres?

Norm MacDonald: Yes. She's a lesbian.

Will Ferrell: [suddenly looks ill] Oh, my god ... Oh-- I'm gonna be sick. [puts a hand to his mouth and turns away from Norm] Oh, God-- [yellow vomit spews out of his mouth onto the floor]

Norm MacDonald: God, are - are you okay there, buddy? I--

Will Ferrell: No!

Norm MacDonald: Will, Will, are you - are you all right?

Will Ferrell: No, I'm not!

Norm MacDonald: It - it - it - it's not a big deal. ... [Will puts his head down on the desk (in part to conceal the vomit leaking from the puke-spewing device hidden in his sleeve)] Will, it's okay. It's okay. She just has-- She has sex with - with women, that's all. She has--

Will Ferrell: God, why did you put that dirty, sickening imagine in my mind?! Oh, no, here it comes again! [pukes again, all over the desk]

Norm MacDonald: Good God, she's just a lesbian!

Will Ferrell: Oh, stop it please! Sto-- [still more puke, this time in Norm's direction - Norm backs away, arms in the air - Will falls out of his chair and drops to the floor, disappearing behind the desk]

Norm MacDonald: There's Will Ferrell, everybody! [applause and cheers] Will Ferrell. [Norm picks up his vomit-speckled sheaf of papers gingerly, then sets it next to the puddle of puke atop the desk, wiping his hands as he reads the next item:]

Well, in Albany, New York, Susan John has asked to resign as chairwoman of the State Assembly Alcohol and Drug Abuse Committee following her arrest on drunk-driving charges. On the bright side for Ms. John, she has been asked to chair the Assembly's Committee on Irony. ... [pulls out tape recorder] Note to self: Never ever follow a vomit-spewing guy with a joke.

[Norm pockets the recorder, then scoops up some vomit off the desk with his bare hand and eats it - the horrified crowd groans and hollers loudly - Norm gives the crowd a look, as if to say, "What's the big deal?"] It's good, it's quite good! [licking his fingers] Normally, I - Normally, I don't like Will Ferrell vomit but this is actually very good! ... [still licking his fingers] Let's just end it! Folks! That's the news. Good night!

[Applause. Norm cautiously takes the microphone off his necktie. Music. Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATE graphic.]

Submitted Anonymously

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