Jerry "Steve" Dave

Molly ... Molly Shannon
Mr. Bradley ... Jeff Goldblum
Mr. Dave ... Tim Meadows



[Receptionist Molly enters a plush executive office with a file folder and approaches her boss, Mr. Bradley, who sits at his stylish desk. Both are dressed expensively but tastefully. Reproductions of paintings by fine modern artists decorate the paneled walls.]

Molly: Mmm. Uh, Mr. Dave is here to see you, sir.

Mr. Bradley: Who?

Molly: Uh, Mr. Dave, he's, uh, he's here to interview for the engineer position.

Mr. Bradley: Oh, right, right, right. Did he fill out an, a, uh, an application?

Molly: Yeah, he did. [hands him the file folder] It's right - it's right in here ...

Mr. Bradley: Okay.

Molly: ... so you can look at that.

Mr. Bradley: Thank you. Send him right in.

Molly: Okay. [calls to Mr. Dave] Mr. Dave? Right this way.

[Molly exits once Mr. Dave enters, wearing an old yellow shirt that reads HAWAII '88. He shakes hands with Mr. Bradley who is stunned at Mr. Dave's astonishingly casual dress for a high-tech job interview.]

Mr. Dave: Hey! Thanks for seein' me, Mr. Bradley!

Mr. Bradley: Hi...

Mr. Dave: Yeah.

Mr. Bradley: ... Mr. Dave. Have a seat. My pleasure. [they sit] Say, can I give you a tip for the future? This - this shirt you're wearing ...?

Mr. Dave: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. [proudly] I got this in Hawaii in 1988. ... You can't get 'em any more and this one is NOT for sale.

Mr. Bradley: [decides not to say anything about it] Oh, okay. ... [reads the application] Uh, well, let's just - let's just go 'head and see what your application says, Mr. Jerry Dave.

Mr. Dave: Yeah, but, uh, you can call me "Steve."

Mr. Bradley: [gives him a look] Okay, Steve. [consults application] Uh, when asked why you wanted the job of engineer, you put, "To fake an injury and sue you. No, just kidding." ... "To make free Xeroxes of my one-man show, entitled 'Jerry "Steve" Dave's Songs in the Key of Steve' - Just kidding again." [Mr. Dave laughs, grins, nods his head at his joke] Uh, "Really, so I can buy a boatload of fireworks and celebrate the Fourth of July in style."

Mr. Dave: Yeah, you know, I have two loves in my life -- uh, Fourth of July and, of course, teamwork.

Mr. Bradley: Really? And yet, and yet, on your application, you put here, "Teamwork is for suckers. When I'm hired, I will do to teamwork what Napoleon did to Japan."

Mr. Dave: Yeah, he - he conquered Japan, right?

Mr. Bradley: No.

Mr. Dave: [turns on the charm] Come on, man. I'm Jerry "Steve" Dave, the Magic Man! [grins, wiggles his eyebrows]

Mr. Bradley: [taken aback] Okay. I - I'm not sure what that means, uh, but, uh, you know, this - this job requires, uh, a college degree in the field of electrical engineering and, uh, for education, you say here you've completed "a few freestyle pottery courses at the Learning Annex." So--

Mr. Dave: Yeah, yeah, see, I've been really hittin' the books really hard lately to show that I'm, um -- what's the word I'm lookin' for? Supergood! Yeah, that's the word. I'm - I'm really supergood at things.

Mr. Bradley: Okay. "Super good" is two words, by the way. But, uh, ah ... Say, let me - let me ask you something. Uh ...

Mr. Dave: Mm hmm?

Mr. Bradley: Wh - where do you see yourself in, like, say, uh, ten years?

Mr. Dave: Wow. Ten years. That's a long ass time, man. ... Um, I don't know what I'm gonna be doin' but it would definitely involve this souped-up Kawasaki jet ski ...

Mr. Bradley: Uh huh.

Mr. Dave: That's right, you heard me. ... And, uh, let's see, uh, I don't know, what else did I put on that application there?

Mr. Bradley: Ah, that "my ten year goal is to get a souped-up Kawasaki jet ski." Ah, that's all you wrote.

Mr. Dave: Yeah? Well, that's all I want! ... [smiles, claps his hands together and rubs them enthusiastically] So, when do I start?

Mr. Bradley: Mr. Dave, uh, I'm gonna be honest with ya. I really don't think, uh, that you - that you thought this thing through.

Mr. Dave: Really? Did I happen to mention that I have "101 Dalmatians" on laserdisc? [winks broadly, clicks his tongue]

Mr. Bradley: [rises] N-no, you didn't. Uh, so, uh, listen, I'm sure you want to get on with your day, so we gotta - we gotta let you leave.

Mr. Dave: [threateningly] You should leave.

Mr. Bradley: [more confused than scared] What?

Mr. Dave: [instantly nonchalant] Nothin'. [smiles, rises]

Mr. Bradley: Okay. Come on. Let's go. [the two men walk to the door]

Mr. Dave: You're makin' a big mistake, man.

Mr. Bradley: Well--

Mr. Dave: [grandly] I am Jerry "Steve" Dave, the Magic Man!

Mr. Bradley: [opening the door for Mr. Dave] You said that before, you said that before. Thanks so much. [offers to shake hands]

Mr. Dave: Hey, you, uh, you wanna get stoned? [pulls out a joint and holds it up]

Mr. Bradley: What? My God in Heaven, please! [pushes Mr. Dave out the door] Get out of here. [Mr. Dave exits, a shaken Mr. Bradley calls for his receptionist] Molly! Molly! Jesus. [Mr. Bradley shuts the door and looks baffled as we fade out.]


Submitted Anonymously


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