Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

... Norm MacDonald
Lenny the Lion ... Colin Quinn

[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I'm Norm MacDonald. Now the fake news. Our top story tonight:

Court-martial proceedings are set to begin Tuesday against Air Force Lieutenant Kelly Flinn, the nation's first female B-52 pilot. Flinn is accused of conducting an adulterous affair with a married man as well as having a brief fling with a second airman and then lying about it. An Air Force prosecutor called her, quote, "a sexual predator," while her commanding officer has called her a, quote, "lying sex addict." Meanwhile, President Clinton called her. ... [applause]

Earlier this year, the Liggett Group paid out more than seven hundred and fifty million in a court settlement when it admitted that its cigarettes are addictive. And this week, the tobacco company unveiled its new warning label. It reads: "Warning: Don't try to sue us, we don't have any money left."

Yesterday, the House Budget committee approved an outline of a deal between President Clinton and congressional leaders to balance the budget. But both sides caution it is not set in stone. In order to become official, of course, it must still be approved by this Chinese guy here. [Photo of elderly bespectacled Asian man, Norm jerks his thumb at it] ... He's gotta--

Man in Audience: Boo!

Norm MacDonald: Boo? What the hell? ... [shrugs] No reason to boo anything.

It was reported this week that Simpson prosecutors Marcia Clark and Chris Darden often passed sexually explicit notes back and forth at the trial, notes which discussed each other's, quote, "turn ons." And, according to the notes, both Darden and Clark are turned on by the same freakish thing: Alan Dershowitz! [Photo of not terribly handsome Simpson defense attorney Alan Dershowitz]

Meanwhile, O. J. himself may have some explaining to do. For months, he has denied hiding financial assets, including valuable sports mementos, from the Brown and Goldman families. But, earlier today, Simpson pal A. C. Cowlings was stopped as he tried to leave the country. In the back seat of his Bronco, police found O. J.'s Heisman Trophy disguised with a tiny fake beard. [Photo of Heisman Trophy with beard]

According to prosecutors in Tulsa, Oklahoma, Henrietta Collins, a ninety year old widow, was bilked out of her life savings by the trustees of her estate. [pulls tape recorder out of pocket and speaks into it] Note to self: Forget trying to bilk Henrietta Collins of her life savings. Some dirty bastard got there first. ... [Norm shakes his head, grins, tries unsuccessfully to return recorder to pocket, winces, finally pockets recorder] ...

This week, talk show host Kathie Lee Gifford addressed published reports that her husband had an extramarital affair saying, quote, "Frank did and always does what is right." Kathie Lee's statement has been widely interpreted as a public admission that her husband beats her. ... [applause]

Norm MacDonald: Well, with the recent escapes of several bears in the tristate area -- That can't be true! -- and several animal attacks in the news. ... I think we just made up the story here. We have brought in someone who can help us shed some light on this outbreak of zoo-related incidents that you see all over the news. From the Bronx Zoo, Lenny the Lion is here! Hey, Lenny! [cheers and applause as we pan over to Lenny]

Lenny the Lion: Thanks, Norm. Uh, Norm, I know why those bears ran away. The zoo can be a rough place. My first year, I got in about fifty fights. They had to put me in supermax like Gotti. They let me out to exercise an hour a day, two showers a week. They won't let you make phone calls. I can't make them anyway because-- [holds up a paw, no opposable thumb with which to hold a phone] ... They open up all your mail. They throw out your letters. I mean, come on, Norm, I had to find out my brother was killed on the Discovery Channel. ...

Norm MacDonald: Oh, that - that doesn't seem right. But-- And yet, uh, the zoo cannot be that bad, though, Lenny.

Lenny the Lion: No, but I had a reputation to uphold. If you're the lion, everybody is gonna try you. It's that street mentality. I had it, too. But I'm tryin' to change. I thought-- I used to think that if I was killin' an ostrich or something, that was my natural instinct. But I been discussin' it with my counselor. It's not my natural instinct, Norm. It's all about my father. You know? ... I was just acting out his rage. I know that now. I understand it. I mean, one day, I just - I just did a kill, I'm standin' over a bloody carcass, there's flies everywhere, the vultures are circling, I have blood and bone all over me, I'm roaring. And I just caught my reflection in the watering hole and I thought: Is this how people see me? ... Is this how I'm comin' across? I didn't want to look at myself so I'd rather just kill you. So, now, I don't hang around with other lions. I'll stop by and say hello. But they always start in with, "Let's kill this one, let's kill that." ... It's the same conversation we were havin' twenty years ago! ... Now, I'm tryin' to change. I'm seein' somebody. She's got a kid by a tiger. You know? ... [applause] The kid - the kid don't wanna listen to me 'cause I'm not his real father, so we don't get along. I still got a lot o' guilt over my teenage daughter from my first mating. She's in an abusive situation but she don't want to leave. ... She's with one of these wannabes, tryin' to be a gangsta. He ain't hard. I knew his family. He grew up in a game preserve. You know? ... You're a father, right, Norm?

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, yeah, I have a - I have a son.

Lenny the Lion: So you know how it is. I wanna break this chain of violence that gets passed down through the generations.

Norm MacDonald: Oh, yeah, but it's different for you, Lenny. Lenny, you're the King of the Jungle!

Lenny the Lion: If that's how you need to see me, Norm, okay, I'm the King of the Jungle. But I don't need to be the King of the Jungle for you, or the rhinos, or the reptiles, or some "Law of Nature" hype. Bein' the King of the Jungle's gotten all my friends life terms at the zoo or mounted on some rich guy's wall. Today, I can just be "Lenny" -- the Lion. A part of the jungle. [quickly wraps it up] Fur is murder. Thank you.

Norm MacDonald: Lenny the Lion, everybody! There he goes. [cheers and applause as Lenny exits]

In San Francisco last week, a birthday party for one of the area's leading political figures, attended by the city's Mayor, Sheriff, and members of the board of supervisors, culminated with a performance in which a dominatrix used a razor blade to carve a satanic star into the back of her male partner, then urinated on him, before finally sodomizing the man with a liquor bottle. After learning of the incident from press reports, San Franciscans expressed shock and outrage that the liquor bottle was not recycled.

In his new film, "Legionnaire," action star Jean-Claude Van Damme will join the French Foreign Legion. In the film, Van Damme is a playboy in 1920s Paris who flees a mob boss after falling in love with the man's mistress. Also, although it doesn't say anything here about it, uh, I'll bet there's plenty of, uh -- of kicking!

Tonight, we are proud to present a new feature on Weekend Update: "In Their Own Words." As you remember, last month in the televised town meeting on kids and drugs, President Clinton moved Peter Jennings and the audience as well, when he said, quote, "I receive many letters from five year old kids around the country, telling me that they are frightened and asking for my help." Earlier this week the White House released the text of some of these letters. [Photo of five year old boy] Walker D. of Connecticut, a five year old child, writes: "Dear Mr. President: When the Republicans are finished wasting taxpayer money on their Whitewater witch hunt, perhaps they can join you in your efforts to protect Medicare and the environment and to expand the earned income tax credit. P.S. Paula Jones was asking for it." [Photo of girl] Here's one from ... from Elizabeth A. of Long Island who wrote: "Dear President Clinton, Newt Gingrich is a bad, bad man. [scattered cheers] Also, Paula Jones was asking for it." ... "In Their Own Words."

Under a new law passed by the State Assembly, effective next year, Michigan will set aside an allotment of hunting licenses for blind people. ... This after years of relentless lobbying by deer. ... They-- [applause]

Good news for Hawaii! Next year, the state will receive twenty million dollars in federal funds to help teach poor children how to read. Oh. [pulls out recorder again] Note to self: Swindle poor Hawaiians out of twenty million dollars by pretending to be a guy who teaches reading. [pockets recorder, pauses, thinks, then pulls out recorder and continues] Note to self: Before I start, also learn to read. ... That will help give the scam what we like to call "credibility." [wiggles eyebrows, nods, grins like a maniac, pockets recorder] ... That's a big word.

A new survey by the Washington Post reports that D.C. Mayor Marion Barry's popularity among city residents has dropped to its lowest point in five years. However, Mayor Barry insists he has no interest in polls or, for that matter, anything else that isn't crack. ... He has - Really has no interest in-- What the hell good are polls gonna do him?

Finally, reports out of Germany continue to indicate that David Hasselhoff is a major recording star in that country, where his concerts routinely sell out and his albums turn platinum. Which once again proves my old theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff! [very mild reaction from crowd]

And it's been fun, folks! Thank you!

[Music. Applause. Norm pushes back from the desk and starts to take the microphone off his necktie. Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATE graphic.]

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