Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
... Norm MacDonald
Lenny the Lion ... Colin Quinn
[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm
[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I'm Norm MacDonald.
Now the fake news. Our top story tonight:
Court-martial proceedings are set to begin Tuesday
against Air Force Lieutenant Kelly Flinn, the nation's
first female B-52 pilot. Flinn is accused of
conducting an adulterous affair with a married man as
well as having a brief fling with a second airman and
then lying about it. An Air Force prosecutor called
her, quote, "a sexual predator," while her commanding
officer has called her a, quote, "lying sex addict."
Meanwhile, President Clinton called her. ...
Earlier this year, the Liggett Group paid out more
than seven hundred and fifty million in a court
settlement when it admitted that its cigarettes are
addictive. And this week, the tobacco company unveiled
its new warning label. It reads: "Warning: Don't try
to sue us, we don't have any money left."
Yesterday, the House Budget committee approved an
outline of a deal between President Clinton and
congressional leaders to balance the budget. But both
sides caution it is not set in stone. In order to
become official, of course, it must still be approved
by this Chinese guy here. [Photo of elderly
bespectacled Asian man, Norm jerks his thumb at it]
... He's gotta--
Man in Audience: Boo!
Norm MacDonald: Boo? What the hell? ...
[shrugs] No reason to boo anything.
It was reported this week that Simpson prosecutors
Marcia Clark and Chris Darden often passed sexually
explicit notes back and forth at the trial, notes
which discussed each other's, quote, "turn ons." And,
according to the notes, both Darden and Clark are
turned on by the same freakish thing: Alan Dershowitz!
[Photo of not terribly handsome Simpson defense
attorney Alan Dershowitz]
Meanwhile, O. J. himself may have some explaining to
do. For months, he has denied hiding financial assets,
including valuable sports mementos, from the Brown and
Goldman families. But, earlier today, Simpson pal A.
C. Cowlings was stopped as he tried to leave the
country. In the back seat of his Bronco, police found
O. J.'s Heisman Trophy disguised with a tiny fake
beard. [Photo of Heisman Trophy with beard]
According to prosecutors in Tulsa, Oklahoma, Henrietta
Collins, a ninety year old widow, was bilked out of
her life savings by the trustees of her estate. [pulls
tape recorder out of pocket and speaks into it] Note
to self: Forget trying to bilk Henrietta Collins of
her life savings. Some dirty bastard got there first.
... [Norm shakes his head, grins, tries unsuccessfully
to return recorder to pocket, winces, finally pockets
This week, talk show host Kathie Lee Gifford addressed
published reports that her husband had an extramarital
affair saying, quote, "Frank did and always does what
is right." Kathie Lee's statement has been widely
interpreted as a public admission that her husband
beats her. ... [applause]
Norm MacDonald: Well, with the recent escapes
of several bears in the tristate area -- That can't be
true! -- and several animal attacks in the news. ... I
think we just made up the story here. We have brought
in someone who can help us shed some light on this
outbreak of zoo-related incidents that you see all
over the news. From the Bronx Zoo, Lenny the Lion is
here! Hey, Lenny! [cheers and applause as we pan over
Lenny the Lion: Thanks, Norm. Uh, Norm, I know
why those bears ran away. The zoo can be a rough
place. My first year, I got in about fifty fights.
They had to put me in supermax like Gotti. They let me
out to exercise an hour a day, two showers a week.
They won't let you make phone calls. I can't make them
anyway because-- [holds up a paw, no opposable thumb
with which to hold a phone] ... They open up all your
mail. They throw out your letters. I mean, come on,
Norm, I had to find out my brother was killed on the
Discovery Channel. ...
Norm MacDonald: Oh, that - that doesn't seem
right. But-- And yet, uh, the zoo cannot be that bad,
Lenny the Lion: No, but I had a reputation to
uphold. If you're the lion, everybody is gonna try
you. It's that street mentality. I had it, too. But
I'm tryin' to change. I thought-- I used to think that
if I was killin' an ostrich or something, that was my
natural instinct. But I been discussin' it with my
counselor. It's not my natural instinct, Norm. It's
all about my father. You know? ... I was just acting
out his rage. I know that now. I understand it. I
mean, one day, I just - I just did a kill, I'm
standin' over a bloody carcass, there's flies
everywhere, the vultures are circling, I have blood
and bone all over me, I'm roaring. And I just caught
my reflection in the watering hole and I thought: Is
this how people see me? ... Is this how I'm comin'
across? I didn't want to look at myself so I'd rather
just kill you. So, now, I don't hang around with other
lions. I'll stop by and say hello. But they always
start in with, "Let's kill this one, let's kill that."
... It's the same conversation we were havin' twenty
years ago! ... Now, I'm tryin' to change. I'm seein'
somebody. She's got a kid by a tiger. You know? ...
[applause] The kid - the kid don't wanna listen to me
'cause I'm not his real father, so we don't get along.
I still got a lot o' guilt over my teenage daughter
from my first mating. She's in an abusive situation
but she don't want to leave. ... She's with one of
these wannabes, tryin' to be a gangsta. He ain't hard.
I knew his family. He grew up in a game preserve. You
know? ... You're a father, right, Norm?
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, yeah, I have a - I have a
Lenny the Lion: So you know how it is. I wanna
break this chain of violence that gets passed down
through the generations.
Norm MacDonald: Oh, yeah, but it's different
for you, Lenny. Lenny, you're the King of the
Lenny the Lion: If that's how you need to see
me, Norm, okay, I'm the King of the Jungle. But I
don't need to be the King of the Jungle for you, or
the rhinos, or the reptiles, or some "Law of Nature"
hype. Bein' the King of the Jungle's gotten all my
friends life terms at the zoo or mounted on some rich
guy's wall. Today, I can just be "Lenny" -- the Lion.
A part of the jungle. [quickly wraps it up] Fur
is murder. Thank you.
Norm MacDonald: Lenny the Lion, everybody!
There he goes. [cheers and applause as Lenny
In San Francisco last week, a birthday party for one
of the area's leading political figures, attended by
the city's Mayor, Sheriff, and members of the board of
supervisors, culminated with a performance in which a
dominatrix used a razor blade to carve a satanic star
into the back of her male partner, then urinated on
him, before finally sodomizing the man with a liquor
bottle. After learning of the incident from press
reports, San Franciscans expressed shock and outrage
that the liquor bottle was not recycled.
In his new film, "Legionnaire," action star
Jean-Claude Van Damme will join the French Foreign
Legion. In the film, Van Damme is a playboy in 1920s
Paris who flees a mob boss after falling in love with
the man's mistress. Also, although it doesn't say
anything here about it, uh, I'll bet there's plenty
of, uh -- of kicking!
Tonight, we are proud to present a new feature on
Weekend Update: "In Their Own Words." As you remember,
last month in the televised town meeting on kids and
drugs, President Clinton moved Peter Jennings and the
audience as well, when he said, quote, "I receive many
letters from five year old kids around the country,
telling me that they are frightened and asking for my
help." Earlier this week the White House released the
text of some of these letters.
[Photo of five year old boy] Walker D. of Connecticut,
a five year old child, writes: "Dear Mr. President:
When the Republicans are finished wasting taxpayer
money on their Whitewater witch hunt, perhaps they can
join you in your efforts to protect Medicare and the
environment and to expand the earned income tax
credit. P.S. Paula Jones was asking for it." [Photo of
girl] Here's one from ... from Elizabeth A. of Long
Island who wrote: "Dear President Clinton, Newt
Gingrich is a bad, bad man. [scattered cheers] Also,
Paula Jones was asking for it." ... "In Their Own
Under a new law passed by the State Assembly,
effective next year, Michigan will set aside an
allotment of hunting licenses for blind people. ...
This after years of relentless lobbying by deer. ...
Good news for Hawaii! Next year, the state will
receive twenty million dollars in federal funds to
help teach poor children how to read. Oh. [pulls out
recorder again] Note to self: Swindle poor Hawaiians
out of twenty million dollars by pretending to be a
guy who teaches reading. [pockets recorder, pauses,
thinks, then pulls out recorder and continues] Note to
self: Before I start, also learn to read. ...
That will help give the scam what we like to call
"credibility." [wiggles eyebrows, nods, grins like a
maniac, pockets recorder] ... That's a big
A new survey by the Washington Post reports that D.C.
Mayor Marion Barry's popularity among city residents
has dropped to its lowest point in five years.
However, Mayor Barry insists he has no interest in
polls or, for that matter, anything else that isn't
crack. ... He has - Really has no interest in-- What
the hell good are polls gonna do him?
Finally, reports out of Germany continue to indicate
that David Hasselhoff is a major recording star in
that country, where his concerts routinely sell out
and his albums turn platinum. Which once again proves
my old theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff! [very
mild reaction from crowd]
And it's been fun, folks! Thank you!
[Music. Applause. Norm pushes back from the desk and
starts to take the microphone off his necktie.
Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATE